My life and how i managed to fail it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Suicider, Jan 24, 2008.

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  1. Suicider

    Suicider New Member

    hi, this is the story of how i had a good, in fact great life, and how id wish god foresaken me instead of picking on me like a bully. so like i said, my life was pretty sweet. i did everything i ever wanted lived by my own rules, had good looks, good charm, great sense of humor and relentless optimism, people would always feed off of my energy. ive never met a person i couldnt break and make them smile and laugh their ass off no matter how down they were. in fact id always try to make sure everyone had a good time, if we had shy people in our group id make sure to get them involved make them feel comfortable. girls were like a second nature to me. i could get anyone. albeit i was shy to approach the really good looking ones, the fact that i was always surrounded by them and they were all interested would usually attract the others. i loved life. true free spirit. i had the girl of my dreams. she inspired me. like my muse, made me better in everyway. and she was also my idol, someone i looked up to. and she loved me, truley loved me. we would dance in the streets and talk all night, or say nothing at all, there was no need to, we felt it. i had great close friends, people who will and did go to hell and back with me. every minute of my life was a laugh and an adventure.
    then i moved. obviously at first i was really excited about it, new place new faces new girls, right? that didnt happen. instead ive started to miss my girl, and all the new people ive met were souless. their life was so miserable all they did was drugs. a girl wouldnt talk to you unless you were rich and famous. fine, id try to make my own party, but noone will join, everyone would just critisize you, your ideas are stupid, why bother? life sucks, here take a hit of this youll feel better. soon i started experimenting with drugs. and then i had my first bad trip, i thought i was going to die. i couldnt breathe, my eyes were closing, and my brain felt like it was taking my body for a walk. i was panicing. and that feeling never went away. that experience triggered my anxiety disorder. every time i go outside i feel terrified, i feel like its going to happen again, im gonna have a heart attack, or a flashback and id go crazy right there on the street. panic attacks started happening at closer and closer intervals. i tried to go out as less as possible. i told the doctor about it, did blood tests but theyd come back normal. he'll tell me its all in your head walk it off, ignoring my pleas to see a psychiatrist. ever since then all i could think about was that i was going crazy, id have flashbacks of that feeling of creeping death, id get nervous in places were i used to feel like it was my home. sports turned from an exillirating experience where i dominate and emberass semi pro players to my pit of fear, my knees would shake, my heart would pound. instead of feeling the game and playing by instinct knowing that i cant go wrong doing what i do, i was playing with doubt, i would be scared....and id lose! everytime! (yes it might not sound bad but sports was my life), standing in line was impossible, id be twitching, id feel like the walls are closing in on me id have to get out, but then im out the world sees me, i have to go back in! my conciousness became my prison.
    then the health problems came, every day was a pain and the doctors couldnt find a reason for that. i managed to lose 30 pounds in 4 months. eating would make my stomach hurt, so i wouldnt. i turned into a stick, a sickening sight. pale, sunken eyes, like a heroin addict.
    slowly but surely my smile was disappearing and life just wasnt as funny. it was bitter. i felt sick. sick and tired, always tired.
    as if shit wasnt bad enough i decided to read the news one day, lo and behold a childhood friend was murdered. a picture of him smiling in the paper. but hes dead. paragraph reads "a child who made others happy was taken away" and thats when i started thinking, whats the point? i thought about the life i left behind, about the dead friend, who was like my mirror, started thinking about the girl i left behind and how noone ive met will ever make me feel like her. but by then i realized that i wont ever make anyone feel like i made her feel. i became souless. i went from being "dude you should be a comedian" to "cricket noises", from "i love your crazy stories" to "you fucking loner". i went from angry to bitter to numb. noone cared about me and worse yet i didnt care about anyone. my friends are gone, i aliented them, i didnt want to associate with them anymore, they looked like life finally started working for them, they were enjoying it, smiling happy full of swagger. for me though everything was just...meh. i stopped talking. id sit through the entire night and not say anything. i just didnt feel anymore. so i stopped going out. i figured that i rather die/disappear and be well remembered then slowly fade into oblivion. because thats exactly what was happening, i was fading and now im almost all gone. all i have are these memories of what i used to be and i cant help but hear the same song in my head over and over and over again "... i was me but now he is gone". when i used to imagine my future itll be sometime when im 40, married, children, happy, life complete. then the future fantasies got closer to the present. id imagine how id live fast hard till mid 30s and kill myself in some extreme sports situation (tie my leg to the pedal of a sports car, skydive without a parachute etc...) then late 20s, thinking well lets see how itll be after i finish college, i might get a good job then i could afford an overdose on coke. im 23 now, i cant see me finishing this year. my "fall asleep" fantasies consist of the various ways i could kill myself. i like the hanging myself neck snapping, just suffocating to death. ive been chocked almost to unconciousness before and dont fear it as much anymore. plus ill have those moment of life while dying. drowning is another good option, it was always my biggest fear, so might as well be a man and face it. a shot to the head is another, because its quick, no regrets, no real chances of fucking that up either. and finally carbon monoxide... park somewhere in the woods, get reaaaaaaally loaded, fix the car up for a nice poisoning, pass out and wake up dead. probably the most realistic option too, buying a gun is kinda tough where i live. getting a whole bunch of rope is a little suspicious, and drowning... well go find a body of water deep enough. i spent the entire day today thinking and wishing death, and i got nervous, because im realizing that im not a coward anymore, im not afraid of killing myself like i was last year.

    btw i told you at the begining how god is my personal bully, and how i had good looks... well, its not the end of the world but i found it funny that god would do that to me: all my life girls loved my hair, by the looks of my head today, ill be completely bald in 2-3 years. its like everything good i ever had in my life has been taken away from me. my love, my friend, my optimism, my humor, my health, my sanity, my looks. replaced by emptiness. my life is absolutely pointless, i add NOTHING, i just take space. so its time to end it. i just really hope theres no after life, id hate to think id have to live like this somewhere else.
  2. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    I apologize if this offends or is inappropriate but if you summarize this into a couple of brief paragraphs I'll bet you'd get responsese. :) I try to help and empathize with so many.... Alas, I also work (lol) and time is just a precious, finite commodity. :)

  3. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    I would like to recommend seeing a psychotherapist and telling him/her the whole story.(and get some HELP, not pharmacists or doctors)

    That anxiety disorder has got to go.. (I suffered a similar feeing to that effect after someone decided to beat me up at a club.)
    I wish I could help you in some way. Joel Osteen's books helped me a bit, maybe you should check it out.

    I do not have A.D but I know what it's like to be stuck in your room for days AND days(I've done it) and... it's downward spiral and it feels downright horrible.

    You've experienced the both good and bad sides of life.

    I don't think you want to die and turn to dust or fade into oblivion.. I do not think you truly wish for death although you fantasize about it.

    Deep inside you want to go back to the life you loved.
    With some work.. I believe you can go back to it someday.
    You lived life the way you wanted to live, it seems that you just made a big mistake. At only 23 years old,(same age as me) you're still young.. you can TRY to fix the mistake.

    You've had it and lived it before.. and there's no reason why you cannot have back what was rightfully yours. It's not like you're someone like me who's hoping for some imaginary bliss that may not be there.

    What sets you apart from a lot of people is that.. you lived life to the fullest before, you know the standards and expectations you had set for yourself.
    From reading what you've written, I really think you can do this.

    Suicide won't solve anything. You had many friends, imagine how many people would be crying over your casket. Death is only the state of non-existence. It won't release anyone from anything. And don't fall for those druggies either..

    Only when we let ourselves out of our mental prison..(although not a easy task to do) we'll be free. We don't know when but.. the day'll come.
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