My life, and how it changed (a bit long)

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Natasa, Nov 14, 2014.

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  1. Natasa

    Natasa Member

    Hi all! Here is the story I want to share with all of you. Now, nobody, except one person knows about this, and few things happened that made me share my experiences with you. As I already said in previous post, my name is Natasa. I was born in 1990. I have to mention that English is not my language, so if I make any mistakes, please understand... And also, I am sorry if this becomes a bit long, I simply have to get it off my chest!

    Up until my 13-14 years of age, I was completely normal child, but for some reason, at that age, I started to feel bad inside me. I don't really know what happened to trigger my aggressiveness, but the more time passed, the more aggressive I was. Before that, I was playful child, cheerful. I always smiled. But during that period I was totally changed. I started getting bad grades, I started skipping classes, became real bully. And when I look back, I see that I was a child that is a nightmare for every parent. And since I was hysterical at home to whatever bothered me, my parents used the beating treatment to try to change my behavior! Little did they know it made me only worse. And as the time passed, that aggressiveness became depression! I closed completely to others. Whenever someone tried to get closer to me, I would push him away. My parents simply thought it was a phase that every child gores through...

    So, after some time, I decided to end it all. I made a plan to do it once and to succeed. I didn't want to fail, and get caught. I wanted to do it once and for all. So I planned for months how to do it. It was the only thing that made me tick. The knowledge that all was going to end soon. It happened in summer of 2006, just after I turned 16 years of age. We were on summer vacation. My parents, two younger sisters and me. One day I somehow managed to be alone in hotel apartment. The apartments were ground floor, like little houses. As I was preparing everything, I was feeling easiness. I was calm, like never before. I wasn't excited, I wasn't afraid, I just was calm. And, literally seconds before I could start the end, I heard someone unlock the door. It was the security guy, and he accidentally saw me from the only place someone could've seen me! I panicked. I started screaming at him to go away... You know, doing everything you do when you get caught doing something bad. I threatened to hurt him too. But he wasn't moving. Just standing at the door. He asked me very calmly to just try to listen to him. He promised that he would leave me alone, and not tell anyone, but just asked me to listen to him.

    It turned out that he was only 5 years older than me. That he also had suicidal thoughts when he was younger. After almost 2 hours of talking, and persuading me that I don't do anything to hurt myself, I promised him that I won't. Although at start, my goal was only to make him leave the room so I could finish what I had started. But the more he talked, the softer I was becoming.

    After that, I used to sneak out of my room every night to meet him. He became my best friend. He worked night shifts, and I was spending most of the night with him outside. We would walk. I would talk. I opened to him. I cried a lot... It looked like every bad thought I had was going away with tears. I became more joyful. I couldn't wait to meet him. It was the start of my "rehabilitation"! After we came back home, I would call him every night. We would continue our talk, which sometimes lasted for hours. I would confess to him my every thought. It became easier to live, although I needed a lot of time to heal myself. But he was there for me always. He was my guardian angel. First year was toughest. Every now and then I would become depressed for any little bad thing that happened to me. But as the time passed, depression also was going away. I started training sports, I started doing better at school. Whenever I needed help with anything, I just called him. Even if we were more than 500km apart, it felt like he was there. So with his support, I became a complete person.

    Now, eight years later, I consider myself as a successful woman. I have finished college. I have decent job. I am engaged, and few months pregnant. So everything I have now I owe to that guy. I see him as a brother I never had! I am going to name my child after him! As for depression, I guess it never goes away fully. I am happy now, but sometimes I can feel its presence deep inside me. But I won't let it take me again. I learned to fight, and I will continue fighting.

    But as everything goes right for me, not all is so shiny for D (the guy that saved me). But that is going to be another post for another group. I hope this wasn't too long, and I tried to be as short as possible, but I simply had to share it with someone.
     
  2. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Thank you so much for sharing!
     
  3. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Maybe it would be nice reposting this in the positive feelings and motivational messages area, or in the strategies for succes area, so that it'll get more reads. I really liked it.
     
  4. Natasa

    Natasa Member

    @Jasp As I already said, I am new to any type of forums, and at present I don't have much time lately to visit it frequently, so I still don't know what's where. But as soon as I get a hang of it, I'll listen to your advice and post it where you told me. And, I am glad that you liked my post.
     
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