Last year has been really tough: changed country, started college, started going to the gym, I had meet new people, and everything you have to do when you go to another country to live. This year has been the worst year of my life: a relative of mine has been diagnosed with cancer but I think he's cured he didn't need to do chemio, then I started feeling pain in my back and leg and went to a doctor and was diagnosed with a hernia or protrusion in L1 S1, after that I also went to ER for a sharp chest pain that afterwards a medic told me it was gastroesophageal reflux so I took a medicine and went to physiotherapy. This week I did a gastroscopy and the doctor said I have gastritis and a liver problem and I should do an ecography, today I was diagnosed with a small inguinal hernia and pubalgia. Every day some problem arises, I try to solve one and other 2 come up, and I know that this happened because of the heavy weights so I feel regrets every day for what I did. Also I don't have a social life, I don't have friends and don't have a gf, I'm filled with things I have to study because of the exams for college and the grades I've been receiving lately are mediocre even if I deserved more. I just have a couple of friends I left in my other country but we are too far to talk to each other constantly, anyway going to see them next month even if I'm worried for my health, I'm trying to get better but as I said something new always arises and I can't stand it anymore. I've been accusing all these problems to bad luck or bad karma, I've been going to the gym to fulfill my ego, but all it has done is this. I hate myself for being so reckless and feel bad also because my parents always cared for me and now I failed them. I'm in pain constantly, I don't want to wake up in the morning, I just want to sleep for ever, that's when I live my other life, in my dreams. I believe in a parallel world where we can live an alternate life that can be accesed through our dreams, kinda like a place where you can hide. I've been thinking of committing suicide for the last 4 months, don't have the will to live anymore, probably for most people I'm overeacting but this is what I feel and what they think won't change how I feel. Thinking in killing myself next month, after I see my friends. A part of me wants to die and thinks that death is just how humans call it, it's not necessarily something negative, no one knows but the people who have passed away, why be so afraid of it? Maybe it's a door to something new and eye opening, maybe it's a door to a parallel universe, maybe we will start a new life in this world, maybe there's heaven purgatory and hell,..... Another part of me wants to live and associates death to the images and ideas connected to it by humanity, so it just sees all the negative aspects of it and the fear to not being sure if suicide will be succesfull or not, maybe I'll live for the rest of my life in a coma or with mental disabilities or organ failures. Some days a part wins over the other, other days the other one has the upper hand. But with the news of today, I really don't think I can escape from this one, a decision will be made soon, I already know how to do it, I visualized it.