My life and my ''death''?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Cobain, Jul 11, 2012.

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  1. Cobain

    Cobain Member

    Last year has been really tough: changed country, started college, started going to the gym, I had meet new people, and everything you have to do when you go to another country to live.
    This year has been the worst year of my life: a relative of mine has been diagnosed with cancer but I think he's cured he didn't need to do chemio, then I started feeling pain in my back and leg and went to a doctor and was diagnosed with a hernia or protrusion in
    L1 S1, after that I also went to ER for a sharp chest pain that afterwards a medic told me it was gastroesophageal reflux so I took a medicine and went to physiotherapy. This week I did a gastroscopy and the doctor said I have gastritis and a liver problem and I should do an ecography, today I was diagnosed with a small inguinal hernia and pubalgia.
    Every day some problem arises, I try to solve one and other 2 come up, and I know that this happened because of the heavy weights so I feel regrets every day for what I did. Also I don't have a social life, I don't have friends and don't have a gf, I'm filled with things I have to study because of the exams for college and the grades I've been receiving lately are mediocre even if I deserved more. I just have a couple of friends I left in my other country but we are too far to talk to each other constantly, anyway going to see them next month even if I'm worried for my health, I'm trying to get better but as I said something new always arises and I can't stand it anymore. I've been accusing all these problems to bad luck or bad karma, I've been going to the gym to fulfill my ego, but all it has done is this. I hate myself for being so reckless and feel bad also because my parents always cared for me and now I failed them. I'm in pain constantly, I don't want to wake up in the morning, I just want to sleep for ever, that's when I live my other life, in my dreams. I believe in a parallel world where we can live an alternate life that can be accesed through our dreams, kinda like a place where you can hide. I've been thinking of committing suicide for the last 4 months, don't have the will to live anymore, probably for most people I'm overeacting but this is what I feel and what they think won't change how I feel. Thinking in killing myself next month, after I see my friends. A part of me wants to die and thinks that death is just how humans call it, it's not necessarily something negative, no one knows but the people who have passed away, why be so afraid of it? Maybe it's a door to something new and eye opening, maybe it's a door to a parallel universe, maybe we will start a new life in this world, maybe there's heaven purgatory and hell,..... Another part of me wants to live and associates death to the images and ideas connected to it by humanity, so it just sees all the negative aspects of it and the fear to not being sure if suicide will be succesfull or not, maybe I'll live for the rest of my life in a coma or with mental disabilities or organ failures. Some days a part wins over the other, other days the other one has the upper hand. But with the news of today, I really don't think I can escape from this one, a decision will be made soon, I already know how to do it, I visualized it.
     
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I just want to say I understand the irony of things and when they happen in life is always weird. Life for me been so ironic.. And I am sorry you are dealing with this now.. I also can agree too much negatives about death.. some cultures celebrate it.. But I also think idea of parallel universe is awesome. I think many different ones. Dreams can be very cool. I also been having very bad year too. I am sorry :( I hope u stay tho and find ppl here to talk to. very nice ppl.
     
  3. Cobain

    Cobain Member

    Irony is painful, today I dreamed about a girl I knew in the country I lived before coming in this shithole, that kinda calmed me down. It's weird cause when I'm losing it I always dream about a girl and in the dream I really care for them and waking up and knowing it was just a dream makes me wanna cry, but somehow it makes me wanna go on. It sucks I can't live in my dreams forever, it's the reality where I want to live, I consider it my other life, where I escape. This reality is disgusting, a mind can take that much. Hope is what makes me want to go on, hoping I can find that special someone, finding her will surely save me. Today I have to decide if I change the date of the trip I was planning to do this August to go and see my friends becuase of my health: don't know what to decide really, I'm very undecided, a part of me wants to go and see my friends and wants to meet this girl I dreamed of today, another part of me wants to go next year when I will be hopefully more healthy and can really enjoy the trip. I don't know if I can wait another year without a real life, I've been in this ''limbo'' for a year now, it's killing me, I feel I'm wasting my youth, why life is so fucking cruel? Never thought it will happen to me, but fuck it this is reality and this shit happened, you can either live with it or die. My parents would tell me to get real, they don't know how much my life sucks right now, I was so happy last year, now coming here just changed everything, college life here sucks, all my friends lost, I have only great memories about them.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2012
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