my life, and my suicidal thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anonymousguy, Jul 25, 2008.

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  1. anonymousguy

    anonymousguy Member

    Alright, firstly I want to say that I think about killing myself on a daily basis. When I'm trying to fall asleep at night I'm often restless thinking about how useless and hopeless my life is. I fantasize about methodology, and try to urge myself to just do it. These thoughts have persisted since around the age of 13, I'm 20 now. There are two reasons why I am still alive today; 1) fear of the pain involved with dying. 2) do not want to cause my family pain.

    Now I'll tell a few things about my life. I have no job, I dropped out of high school when I was 17, I rarely leave the house and I'm addicted to masturbation. I live with my mother and she says I basically need to get a job and pay rent to stay at home, but I just don't see this as a possibility. So far kicking me out has only been an empty threat, I told my mother if she does she'll never see me again or that I'll kill myself. On the one hand I see how manipulative and disgusting my behavior is, but on the other hand I do hate living and it's her fault I'm alive. I also believe that the anxiety and depression I suffer from is largely do to my upbringing, and poor genetics, and feel it would have been much better off if my parents didn't reproduce. And I've told both my parents that I feel that way.

    So why do I feel depressed? I think it boils down to loneliness. And that loneliness is do to extreme social anxieties. I constantly am worried about what people think of me and I never feel like I know what to say in social situations. Often times I feel physically ill when I'm around people I don't know. I do have some friends, but I don't feel like I act like myself, I act differently around different people, I don't know how to just be myself. Sometimes I blow off my friends, because I don't want to run into other people I know and then be caught not knowing how to act. It is also imperative to mention that I'm extremely timid and shy around women, particularly attractive women. I think I subconsciously harbor a resentment towards them because of how anxious they make me feel, while simultaneously arousing me. I strong physical attraction to women, and desire sex more than anything, but I just don't feel it's possible for me to ever have any sort of relationship. Not to mention when I look in the mirror I'm absolutely disgusted with the way I look (possibly body dismorphic disorder) I can't fathom any woman being ever attracted to me. I used to be obese but took control of that, and although I admit that I look much better that I did, I still don't feel attractive at all.

    Well I'm done writing stuff for now. I don't know what my expectations were from posting this, but I actually feel as if a tightness in my chest has been released.

  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I don't know you but I can relate to not feeling attractive. I have gained 113 lbs.(due to meds) my hair was falling out so I just told the barber to buzz it off. I am loosing my teeth due to years of taking high doses of pain killers, I am not social ( i isolate). I am under suicide watch by my sister, she is my care giver.
    I do help my sister in return. I wash the dishes, clean the main bathroom, suppose to keep my bedroom clean (that never happens because I live in my bedroom).I was mowing the yard but had to quit because of my allergies and I couldn't get past the heat. I do pay my way. I giver her $365 a month plus I buy half of the groceries for the month.
    I was told I was a mistake, I guess my mom had another son who died at birth. Her and my dad decied to quit there. Then she got pregnant with me. I never have felt wanted 100%.
    So you see the pain might never go away but you can learn to live with it. I hope you feel better soon!! We will see you on the forum!!:chopper:
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi AG...I am sure there are many ppl here who can relate to your anxiety interferes so much with the quality of life if left untreated...many ppl have found success with medication and talk therapy combined...have you tried any professional interventions? I am only familiar with benefits in the US, so with 'Cheers' as your last sentence, I am probably not the person to ask...please see what benefits are available if you are considering treatment...all the best, J
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 25, 2008
  4. x

    x Active Member

    Hey ‘anonymous guy’ im very sorry to hear about you pain, im sure the people on this forum will do everything they can to be a source of emotional and practical support for you.

    I believe I can help you with some practical support . Although I am by no means an expert I have a degree in Psychology and my studies included some psychopathology. In addition to this I have also worked for a mental health charity and experienced my fare share of troubles so I genuinely understand with what you are going through.

    By the sound of it, your problems are deep and complex, however they can be summarised as, Sever Depression, Social Anxiety and Masturbation Addiction.

    I recommend you make an appointment with your doctor and ask them about a drug called zoloft.

    Without boring you with the complex details, a dose of around 100mg of zoloft.should be very effective at combating your depression and making you feel much more confident in social situations. It will also have the added bonus of causing a significant reduction in sexual sensation. This means that masturbating will become a near pointless exercise, as it will no longer provide you with sexual gratification. It should take you almost an hour to cum.

    You can also buy Venlafaxine online.. I recommended you Google ‘inhouse pharmacy’ and then look for a product called Zoset which is a generic drug. Zoset is identical to Zoloft in every single way with the exception that it is much much cheaper….each drug should cost you as little as a doller a day.

    I hope this helps you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2010
  5. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    OMG dude when i read your post, it was like im looking on my own words.
    Yet with 2 diffrenses:
    1. Im 23 years old
    2. I have no problems with girls (yet i have problems with sex...)

    Anyways, if you like, i want to talk to you on MSN
    conntact me if your intersted:
  6. anonymousguy

    anonymousguy Member

    Thank you very much for your comments. From the sounds of it your life has been a lot tougher than mine has. I hope you feel better as well.

    To Sadeyes: I live in Canada, and we have very good health care. I've talked to a few different psychiatrists/psychologists/school counselors and I really never felt differently. I've also taken a drug called effexor which made me feel awful, and when I decided to ween myself off it I suffered horrible withdrawal that felt like surges of electricity in my head.

    Due to previous bad effects of drugs, I'm not certain I'm ready to try something else. Every time I see the drug commercials on T.V. at the end there's always a list of possible negative side-effects. As for that extra bonus effect, I'm sure that would be reason enough alone not to want to use it. Thank you for the reply though.
  7. anonymousguy

    anonymousguy Member

    I feel like adding more here. I've read a bunch of other peoples' threads, and a lot of people are coming from very abusive situations. My situation is not that bad, my parents are good decent people. I really feel awful for being such a failure even though I've had more opportunity and less adversity than many. I've never been physically abused. I have been teased a lot when I was overweight back in my school days, but that seems like the sort of thing that I should be able to get over. Why the fuck should I care what some kid said to me 6 years ago? Why when I think of those situations do I feel that "fight or flight" response like it's happening right now?

    Now I would like some opinions on one thing. I'm not certain whether or not I what I experienced would count as sexual abuse. When I was 10 years old or so, I was playing truth or dare with a friend who was a few years older, if I was 10 at the time, he was likely 13. And we dared each other to do stupid things, I can't really remember what. But what I do remember is that he dared me to give him a blow job. At the time I was like "What's that?", and then he explained it to me. Now like I said I had no idea what sex was, thus I didn't interpret it as a sexual thing. I just thought it was another gross thing he was daring me to do. So of course I obliged, I wasn't one to back down from a dare, I just made him promise beforehand that he would not pee in my mouth. So I did the deed for whatever amount of time he had dared me to do it for, and then that was that.

    Now to be completely honest, I forgot it happened. I do not believe it was a traumatic event in my life. Only a few years ago I actually remembered that this was a historical event in my life. Upon remembering my first thought was "Might I be gay?" No, of course not I'm most certainly attracted to women. And then "Am I bisexual?". I've never been a person to criticize someone else for their sexual preference, so I thought hard about it, and wanted to be honest with myself. I came to the conclusion that I was not attracted to men. But still, I had once performed oral sex on a "man".

    The point of the story is this. I've had an early childhood sexual experience that I do not believe had any effect on me. My friend who was older knew a little about sex, may have started puberty, but I'm not sure whether or not what he was doing was "taking advantage of me". It could have been to him what it was to me, just a gross dare. Does it count as abuse if the "victim" doesn't feel victimized? It was consensual in that I agreed to suck his penis, but at the same time I didn't exactly know what I was agreeing to.

    Anyway, I'm repeating myself here. I don't believe this had any negative effect on me that I'm aware of. And when I think about killing myself I'm not thinking about this specific experience. Up until now I have kept it a secret, and I don't think anonymously posting about it on the internet is the same as telling someone I know about it.

    Oh and by the way, I'm no longer friends with that guy. When he started high school we stopped hanging out, I guess hanging out with someone in middle school when you're in high school just isn't cool. I later went to the same high school as him, and when we passed each other in the halls, we never talked, and not even a nod of recognition. Last I heard he's an accountant or something along those lines. He ran into my mom once and even asked about me. People are strange.

    I'm rambling. I'll stop now. I wish peace and prosperity to whoever actually read that long post. And as for the rest :jason: MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
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