My life and the good parts, you’ll notice there aren’t any.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Gray, Oct 9, 2007.

  1. Gray

    Gray Member

    I'm 18 in a month, also vary stressful time for me considering that I've been about to snap for a long time now and if I wait much longer then I'll be tried as an adult. Well that’s not entirely accurate. It's not so much I’m going to snap as I am getting feed up and really want to do something about it. You see I've been putting up with ... well words couldn’t really explain what I've been putting up with for most of my life. They could explain the physical situation of what’s going on if I put a lot of effort into it, but they could never really tell of what’s happening in my world. Well I guess I'm going to try as people will need a reference if they talk to me in the future and it will probably feel good too. I’ve been meaning to let someone know about my problems, the thing is, my entire life is the problem. There’s not a Life story thread on the forum and this isn’t exactly a vent (as bad as I feel) but I’m going to just post here I suppose.

    I was born two years before my sister Ruby. I lived in a really nice area in California. My dad Gary owned a movie lighting company and was famous for being the damn strongest man in the world whose beaten more people to a pulp then John Wayne who incidentally, my grandfather beat to a pulp and then chassed his limo 5 blocks on foot (no really) and my mom Robin worked making the cloths and such that the actors would wear and was famous for sleeping with half the actors in history apparently, and even dated Sylvester Stallone. They met while working on Jake & the fat man I think. After they got together Gary found out about my moms brother Wynn who was dieing of aids because, yes, he was gay, In fact every-other male on my mothers side has been gay for about a dozen generations and that caused my father to give me more insults and stupid suspicions on me being gay then you could passably imagine. Anyway my mom convinced Gary to help pay for the medical bills and before long Gary was pretty much keeping Wynn alive on every penny he had. However now he says that he found out that Robin was keeping all the money to herself and didn’t give a care about her own bother. They were together for about a year and my dad was going to break up with Robin after Wynn died and then unfortunately my mom got pregnant with me. My dad couldn’t just leave her to be a single mom so they got married. There were financial problems and they got in a lot of fights. My mom tells me that Gary was so horrible that she was going to leave him as well but he scared her into staying. She told me that once he actually strangled, hit and beat the crap out of my ass right there on the side of the highway for just throwing a pack of cigarettes in the car when I was less then two years old. She then told him to stop, take her to the airport right then, and that she was going to Texas to live with her parents, He smacked her in the face and then hit the steering wheal so hard that it broke in three places. So as you can tell, my father has always had anger problems. A year later my sister was born and within month Gary got in a car accident that broke the seatbelt, sent him flying out of the windshield and over the car in front of him, he then got up and drove the car home at 13mph. He suffered from miner brain damage, shattered his spine and broke half the bones in his body and that left him in a body cast for the next three years and caused his addiction to morphine and eventually lead to the deterioration of his liver. Trust me when I say I'm not alone when I wish he died then, or that we had what it takes to go in his back room and hold a pillow on his face.

    The next years were hell for all of us, I'm thankful that Ruby was to young to remember what happened back then. Gary would yell and scream and call us all horrible things that I didn’t even know what meant back then, but they did make mom cry, and that made me angry. Once in a while he crawled out of bed and stumbled around the house even though it caused incredible pain for him to move, so he would overdose on morphine just to chase us around. Once he got made at me for not sharing a cardboard box I was using as a fort with Ruby and started calling me names, after I kicked the fort over he chased me through the house screaming in pain from moving so fast, picked me up by the throat, shook me around and threw me across the room and into the wall, putting a hole in it that he later blamed on me. Another time he started treating Robin pretty bad and she was crying and such. Even though I was only about five then I could tell how bad he was being so I charged him from across the house and head butted him right in the stomach and yelled for him to leave mom alone, he said he didn’t know what I was talking about because Robin was being the bitch (even though she was crying in the corner). That lead to his delusion and paranoia of me and how Robin is trying to brainwash me to being her pet.

    I can’t quite remember everything that happened back then but after I found Robin cheating on Gary and I suffered from mal nutrition for a year or two at about the same time I was diagnosed with sever HADD, Robin had me put on riddilen which is basically a medical version cocaine for kids with all the same side affects. Gary found out about me starving to death and took me off the riddilen after a few years and started going into debt so he could get food for me and himself as Robin wouldn’t help him get food and when she did he gave it to me so I wouldn’t starve and she spent all Gary's social security money on herself and Ruby, who was obviously her favorite of the two of us. I wound up trusting Gary more as time went on, mainly because he was the only person I knew since Robin would never take me out of the house and just left me to rot with Gary while her and ruby went out and had fun and made friends. Unfortunately I wound up believing my father about the horrible things he would say about everyone in the world and I grew up to be as twisted and bitter as him.

    After a few years of this we lost the house from unpaid taxes that my mom says we couldn’t afford and my dad says that she stole because he was making over $200,000 a year even though he was making less the $100,000 and we ran out of savings about a year after the accident, that he also blames on Robin because she was spending it all while he rotted away in the back.

    Gary got out of his body cast by now but was still permanently crippled and had no friends or even many relatives in contact or that wanted anything to do with him.

    We were forced to move into a crappy house in the desert that wasn’t worth the dirt it was built on and surrounded by complete red necks. Now that my mom and Ruby were over 200 miles away from there friends they were only able to get away every few weeks and sometimes they would stay gone sleeping at friends houses for days or a week at a time and half the time Ruby would be left behind with me to look after while Gary would do nothing but sit, sleep, eat, drink burden, and curse everyone out on the couch while watching TV getting sicker and sicker which he still does today nine years later. Yet they still never took me with them. We continued to be brought down Gary every fucking single time we walked through our own home. We later found out that my mother and sister moved into a even worse condo in some LA ghetto just to get away from Gary some times but they never told us because they were afraid of what he might do if he found out. They never told me because they were scared I might let him know. But they still never told me so I could come with them, that still burns me to this day.

    Things got complicated after that. I moved back and forth between them, some times staying with one for years at a time do to some ridicules argument or just being feed up with one or the other. This was one of the hardest parts of my life do to the decisions I was forced and had to make. If I stayed with my father he would drive me insane, make me clean up after him, call me names, drive me crazy with his infinite rambling, INFINITE, INFINITE RAMBLING, repeating the same sentence a dozen times a day or more, be bombarded by cursing and his signature catch phrase (please forgive me for cursing) "mother fucking cock suck/er/ers/ing queer" stand guard over him without sleep for a day or two striate while he would puke and puke until nothing but blood and bile would come up and then puke for hours more when he would overdose and only then, right before he would die let me call an ambulance time and time again. But he was smart enough to help me go to school and eat at least half right and "allowed" me to make friends. Every time I left he would act like I had betrayed him and had turned to the dark side with my mom who he literally beginning to suspect was the devil himself or at least some form of witch, and he's an atheist! Every time I went with my mother she would basically never let me out of the house or do anything for me. She of coarse every once in a while would offer to let me join them while she takes Ruby to girl scouts to shut me up. However even if I did go all the people there thought I was some kind of total freak and neither of them would stick up for me, in fact they even joined the discussion about me some times, not even caring if I was listening. They would pretty much just leave me waffles and cereal to eat everyday while I would sit at home rotting and watch TV or play computer games, correction, one game. Every time I went to live with them I lost contact with all my friends, well all two of them anyway, people don’t like hanging out with hyper anti-social people that cant keep a train of thought for three or more seconds (HADD). And you know, sitting in a small nasty condo watching TV with stains over every surface of the room for years at a time doesn’t seem nearly as bad as it really is when your there. Despite all that, Gary had always been the one that looked out for me (in a way) and I couldn’t bring myself to "abandon" him so I stayed with him about the entire time.

    One day Gary was driving his huge tricked out truck that we had owned since before I was born and he fell asleep at the wheel. He flew of a bridge in a overpass in the middle of the most desolate road in California (100miles of nothing till the next town) and against odds equivalent to be being eaten alive by a shark during a earthquake right now in this room, he landed on another car killing some poor twenty year old guy coming back from Los Vegas. If I went with him then that guy wouldn’t have died and Gary wouldn’t have gotten the traumatic brain damage and injuries that crippled him even worse and put him in a coma for another year. Once he woke up he was put in a rehab center called something like Casa Colena and that Gary called hell on earth. I visited a few times and saw that it was basically like a six star hotel where they catered to your every whim and everyone would humor your wildest delusions and you got 4-5 huge meals a day. This irritated me a bit because I was living with Robin this entire time and get a cheese burger every week if I was lucky while he killed a good man with a family and got to live like he was a million air and hated the place. So he literally "ran away" from the place after about eight months and weaseled his way out of having to go back.

    So I stayed with Gary; for about four or five years, I had to learn to be just as crazy as he was so I wouldn’t kill myself. We got in a lot of fights, once he snapped, ripped my TV from the wall, threw it across the room and threatened me worse then ever. Even when I locked myself in my room he punched down the door and broke the frame off and grabbed the phone as I was calling for help and stormed off only to come back an hour later and apologize like he accidentally pushed me in a pool; lucky I got a call out and Robin came and I crawled out the window and left with her, I found out that again they didn’t tell me they got a new place and had been house sitting in studio city indefinitely for a family friend. I didn’t say a single word to my father for nearly two years. Until he found out where we lived and surprised us barging in and finding me. We had a pretty big talk, he apologized, we had a few arguments and wanted me to come back.

    So those were my choices, stay with two sane people that don’t care about you and rot away while being bored on a unfathomable level for years at a time, or stay with someone completely insane and now basically retarded that says he likes you but completely hates your guts and acts like a Simi-normal person in front of friends, neighbors and social workers so they believe his lies about you being a worthless queer, and Robin and Ruby being evil thieves that are trying to kill us, but if you work ridiculously hard to catch up in school you can get C's and have food. I chose Gary.

    After I came back the house was actually more disgusting then ever and smelled like wet dog, papers and sludge cote most of the surfaces and he had broken most of the appliances so everything had to be done by hand and we didn’t have air conditioning; it’s still that bad. He cut all ties with my mom and changed bank accounts so she couldn’t keep stealing Gary's money even though I still doubt that she ever did, (at least on the scale Gary says) and we were able to save up enough money to get a loan or two so we could fix up the house and refinance even after we declared bankruptcy for the second time and yes that’s illegal. Gary tried to handle all that stuff by himself while he was alone but since his brain damage he can’t do simple math. He is also a complete moron as the first thing he did after living in the middle of nowhere without a car for two years was not just buy a car, but spend half the money on a Mercedes bens that was in such horrible shape that it broke down nearly completely within sixteen months.

    Gary was driving the car down to a doctor’s appointment even though he didn’t have a license, insurance, and could hardly see since the last wreck. Then unbelievably he got in a third car accident. This one he solely blames on me because he asked me to go with him and I happened to be pretty pissed at him that week so I refused. Unfortunately the crash didn’t kill him and he was able to walk away from the wreck but the car was totaled.

    Robin's house was soled and she got kicked out. She and Ruby were homeless for months. Gary and me were out of the money from both lones and the house was barley looking better so he asked me if we should let Robin come back and stay with us in exchange for help since she's so good with numbers and isn’t a pathetic lazy queer like me, and I said yes, we should.
     
  2. Gray

    Gray Member

    So now we're all living together again and about to get kicked out of our third house, Robin already pulled me out of school but this time I asked her too, the pressure was getting to much and I was failing every class anyway and now she wont let me go back, I had been taking wrestling while I was there and actually grew, now I’m actually taller and stronger then most people but since Robin came back I've started degenerating back into being a fat lazy slob. My sisters first boyfriend named Pj has moved in with us (by his own free will unbelievably) and he's a pretty cool guy, he's even helping to pay bills and I don’t know why but having us all together again and having Pj to hang out with has brought me out of the darkest part of my life.

    But don’t get me wrong, I’m still in pain and I still feel horrible. I’ve just managed to get it back under control, more or less. I don’t feel like killing myself anymore, I’ve come to the point where I’ve decided that if I ever do want to kill myself again then I’ll go out and tell everyone I think and do everything I’ve always wanted to do first and if I cant bring myself to do that, then I must not be ready to die yet. But before I didn’t care if I ever got to speak my mind, I could hardly bring myself to get out of bed in the morning. What was the point? There was never anything new, just the same old crap I would have to deal with. The situation hasn’t changed much but I have a few new things going on that make me feel like I can’t predict every footstep in the day. I might be getting a job within a few weeks but it still just isn’t enough for me but at least it’s not quite as bad as before.

    I was getting bad, vary bad. I not only nearly killed myself but nearly snapped and tried to kill everyone I know. I sat in the bathroom of my room and did nothing but smoke pot in the dark for hours on end with the shower going so I wouldn’t have to face or even hear the world around me (I still have to sometimes). It was the only way I could stifle the darkness I keep feeling from breaking out and hurting people, and if it did, I definitely would hurt people and it would be a while until some one could stop me, at least that’s what it felt like, it’s seems like what serial killers describe; the feeling of being invincible. I wished I had the courage to kill myself so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain anymore and hated myself more and more everyday for not being able to pull the trigger. I’m an atheist and I wanted to die so bad, I just wanted to not exist anymore. I grew so bitter and full of hate that I couldn’t understand how anyone would want to live in world so horrible, where reality itself would allow the possibility of bad situations and feelings to exist. I hated everything so much, and I can’t help but still think like that sometimes. That’s what I call it though, the darkness, because that’s what it feels like, like my soul falls off a ledge into nothing but empty dark, and all my hatred comes up and takes control of me. I may sound like I'm pretty freaking crazy at this point but the truth is that I am. I've only snapped twice when what I call the darkness was forced out. Once with my dad only a few months ago; He was pushing me to far, he wouldn’t let me leave, he just kept me standing there as he insulted me and everything I've ever done just because he wanted me to go with him in my moms car on a long trip to the doctor and I didn’t trust his driving. My mom and sister came in and just stood there together and begged dad to stop and he cursed them out for sticking up for me. That made me so angry that it makes me want to explode just thinking about it, even know. The sight of them there scared together as I realized that I actually had that abusive of a father that he would cause a situation like this. I freaked out. I felt like I quadrupled in size and my entire body turned red and shook as I screamed back at him like he always did at us. I shot my arm out and grabbed him by the throat with my left arm. If you've read this entire thing then you'll understand just how strong my father is. He may have been crippled but when your that strong to start you always keep some of that strength and my dad could bench-press 300pounds if he just woke up and well over that if he had adrenaline going, but he couldn’t take my arm off him no matter what he did. He hit me, he shook me back and forth, he smacked me with his cane but I just stood there with my arm outstretched unflinching. I started pouching him with my right arm and nearly lifted him of the ground as I ran him across the house into the wall and pummeled him. My mom and sister tried to pull me back as Gary kicked me away, I looked and saw there was some blood on his face and Robin and Ruby were crying, I got up and ran out of the house and into the desert half dressed at 11:00pm and stayed out there for a few hours. It was the proudest moment of my life and when I came back GARY twisted my words into an apology.

    The other time is so incredible that you wouldn’t believe me if I swore by it.

    So that’s most of my story. I hate my father for being a retarded fool with no since of reality. I hate my mother for abandoning me, stealing my life when she could have saved me, and holding me back from living a life when she actually understood what a life is. I hate my sister for being ignorant and selfish and thinking all our problems are about her and I hate my entire family and pretty much the entire world for holding back and being ridiculously stupid. There’s more to tell of coarse and most of this isn’t even what I consider problems anymore but that’s the origin of most of the things I have to deal with today and the story of how I got to where I am now at least.

    I've managed to suppress most the pain that I've felt during the hole of my life. It still hurts mentally, physically, and internally and I thought I had gotten used to it but as I'm here now so I obviously haven’t. It feels like there’s a hole in my chest that my organs keep twisting around trying to fill but nothing helps, not even drugs are helping me to forget anymore, just to dull it and right now I'm also out of pot, so I figure now’s a good a time as any to quit smoking. Most people say there isn’t any major side affects but I’ve been finding it harder and harder to think straight. It just feels like I need to wake up and look at things clearly for now.

    Well that was a little longer then I expected. I commend anyone who had the patience and tolerance to read all that and I appreciate that you were that interested. It may not seem that bad to everyone but you weren’t there.

    So we’re back to the present and why I’ve come here is that I guess I just want the opinions of some people who also know how bad it can get. I’m trying to force my way into the local junior collage but it’s not going so well and I’m finding it hard to even bring myself to go. So my current problem is this: Should I do what I want to do most and leave? Forget everything I knew about my old life and just take some money and start hitchhiking to the city, stay at a homeless shelter and get a job all by my self and start everything over? Or should kill Gary? That may seem extreme but it’s a common idea tossed around here. I doubt the police would even care if they knew someone killed him. There isn’t a single person that would miss him in the world, not even his own mother; in fact she’d probably help us. All I would have to do would switch his medication around and it would look like he overdosed and we would finally begin to live our lives. But don’t worry I really doubt it would ever come to that, I may be crazy but murder is pretty big for me too, also being a murderer from the age of seventeen really limits career opportunities. And lastly I could have myself committed. I’m starting to like that idea the best, I could still leave after I got out and I would finally have a safe place where I could talk to people. The only problem is that they might think I’m crazy enough to keep against my will and that’s something I don’t want to have happen. I can’t stand the idea of being cooped up anywhere against my will any longer. I wouldn’t be able to handle it, if they did, I would try to kill myself again rather then be stuck in there and I don’t want to die yet, unless it comes to that.

    So those are my only real options I have left I would appreciate some feedback but please don’t talk to me like I’m crazy, or like I’m some unstable lunatic. It might be true, but I don’t like being patronized. It’s nice getting so much off my mind. Thanks for listening.
     
  3. Jess_21

    Jess_21 Active Member

    Wow. You have been through so much and survived. In my opinion you need to get out of that house and away from your family, at least till you get your life going. I have a question do you think that you could leave your mother and sister with Gary. I guess that either way you need to get out of their immediately. As to being committed i am unsure, better to speak to those who have been committed and get their opinion.

    I can relate with some of your story. I know what its liked to have a completely screwed up family, that are self-absorbed, and couldn't care less about you. Abusive parents.....

    If you ever need to talk, or a friend i am always here for you. Sorry if i wasn't to much help.