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My Life and why...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by john dough, Nov 3, 2009.

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  1. john dough

    john dough Member

    I don't know who or if anyone will read this, but I want to tell my story. My problems all started when I was 9 years old. Looking back at pictures of my childhood I was a normal boy. Then I started to grow breasts. I know now it is a medical condition called gynocomastatia. In most young men it goes away, but not for me. I was teased throughout school. Never could get a date. Wouldnt go swimming, or play in any game where the teams were "shirts VS. skins".

    When I was 11, I was molested by my best friends father. I did't tell anyone. He was put in jail a few years later for molesting other neighborhood kids. I feel guilty, because if I would have told someome, it wouldn't have happened to them.

    Around 14 years old I became a "cutter" my arms are covered in scars. I did this for a few years, it was some kind of release of my frustration guilt and anger. After I graduated I took exterme measures to hide my "man boobs" elastic bandages, seran wrap ect. Finally I was able to get the courage to go out and flirt with the girls and get some attention. (I think I'm at least average looking.) I finally got myself a girlfriend, and we liked each other alot. We became intimate, and I got away with not taking off my shirt for the first few encounters. Then it happened, she asked me to take off my shirt. I tried to tell her I was uncomfortable with my body, and didn't want to. She said "Don't worry I love you, all of you..." so off the shirt came. I could tell by the look on her face it was over. She let me down genltly, but I knew it wasn't because she "needed some space", It was because I was a freak. This was when I was around 20 years old.

    So on with the bandages again, and I found another Great girl. I really fell in love with her. We dated for almost a year before becoming intimte, and I know she loved me. Again I got away with not taking off my shirt for the first few times. Then it happened. "take off your shirt" she said, so I did. She wasn't so gentle, "OMG They are as big as mine" She tried to look past them, Then she asked "are they sensitive" Then she laughed, and said sorry, she "loved" me, It took a couple of weeks before she ended it, but I knew She too couldn't get passed my having "Man boobs". I can't blame her, I wouldnt date a hermaphrodite. I was 26 then. I have not had a relationship since.

    I am 39 now. One night stands, a few prostitutes, and intenet porn just don't cut it. I want to be in love. I need to be loved. I want to have children. I want a "normal" life. I have grown to hate myself. I am so lonely. I live with my dog, and he is the only soul who accepts me for who I am. I cant bring myself to take another chance of seeing that look on a womans face. It is so humiliating. I just gave up on dating.

    Two months ago I was in a bad car accident I'm still unable to work. My dog was in the car too and was hurt as well. I have to take off my shirt at the doctors and physical therapy, I still get the "look". I have spent all my savings, borrowed from family, and begged in the street holding a sign that said "Please Help Save My Dog" I was out there for 5 hours, and got $1 from a girl that couldn't have been more than 12 years old. May God bless her for that. I still have that dollar bill as a reminder of her kindness. The vet said that at his age (14) all I could do was make him as comfortable as possible. or spend $3-5k for surgury. They gave him some medicine, but I'm watching him die a little more each day, and each day I want to die a little more.

    Since then, I find myself thinking about the best way for me to end it for us both. The thought of being TOTALY alone is unimaginable.

    I wake up each day, and wish I didn't. I go to bed each night and hope I don't. I cant see any light at the end of the tunnel.

    John Dough
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2009
  2. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    :cheekkiss:cheekkiss:cheekkiss I don't laugh at you! You're welcome here! There're many things you said you want, you don't really want to die, it's good. Did you see a psychologist? It would be good for you to talk to someone exterior to your situation. And maybe surgery is possible for you? I mean it really bothers you. Have you considered it seriously, remove your breasts?
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You can drop me a PM anytime if you want to talk. I hope you'll stay here and make some friends.
  4. john dough

    john dough Member

    Thank you for your kind encouragement. I have looked in to surgury, but the cost & time it takes to recover are, at this time in my life' no go. I have expressed my concerns to my Doctor, but have not been to see a mental health professional... I'm not comfortable with that yet. i have a problem with taking anti-depressents. I have tried them years ago, but the side effects were not worth it.
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