My life as a dog

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by mittlivsomhund, Oct 13, 2008.

  1. I keep messing up. I just keep messing up. If I could erase my existence I would, for the sake of the whole world. For everybody's sake, myself included.

    Here are my qualifications as a "human being."

    - Depression
    - Anxiety
    - Panic
    - Avoidant Personality Disorder
    - Suicidality
    - Self harm
    - Traces of Autism
    - Some paranoia
    - Whatever the hell the inability to feel pleasure is
    - Some PTSD

    No, I am not proud of it. What's left of me after those things barely qualifies me as a human. What am I supposed to do? Life only keeps stabbing me in the back. There's nobody that can put up with me, least of all myself.

    I'm too much, too intense, too passionate. Those things arrive from an inner fount of pain and self-hatred. I genuinely care about others, but those things above reduce me to such a condition sometimes that words are hard to come by to describe how it is I feel. I try to hang on to someone or something, but that freaks them out. Then I say all the wrong things. I should not turn to anybody when I'm feeling really low because it hurts so much inside. When I do turn to somebody, it's catastrophic.

    I fell in love with the most kind, caring, sweet and beautiful girl in the whole world. But the enemies inside me did everything they could to push her away.

    A few days ago I realized that I fit the APD profile to the T. From the beginning, I always set myself up for failure. It has become a cycle. Every day takes me downhill some more.

    I misread emotions. I do not perceive cues well. My own emotions are fucked up because I don't know what to feel most times.

    Most times I just need a hug. I just want to hear somebody tell me they care. It doesn't work with everybody. My trust is gained slowly over years. And less than a handful have ever stuck around me for that long.

    Everybody leaves me. It is the fault of those demons within. But how do I tell them that? How can I deal with that? It appears to them that I am the perpetrator of the faults, but I feel like an instrument, a slave of those demons.

    I try to keep everything simple. I hardly ever lie, don't put up walls intentionally, keep myself transparent. But I'm afraid, afraid that others will hurt me. What's good for them is not good for me and vice versa. That complicates things a lot.

    My methods are unconventional I think because I don't know how others do it. Because of my inability to perceive others' feelings, I devise rather simple schemes to try and understand. May I help somebody? May I lend you a sympathetic ear? May I hang out with you? May I buy you lunch? In return I wonder if my email will be replied to, if someone will call me first instead of having me call all the time, if someone will want to or agree to hang out with me.

    There is no fixing me in this life. The support I need is far too much to expect from anybody. Who has the time? Who cares so much that they will unashamedly stand beside me in this life in spite of those demons. I'm a disgrace to human beings everywhere.

    This is getting too long and boring and I'm sorry for unleashing my inner demons and twisted self upon you all. I don't even know why I'm posting this. All I know is that at the end of each day I am just a lonely boy staring scaredly and anxiously at a world that I do not understand and a world that does not understand me in return.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2008
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    You are not alone.