Every time I see water, I imagine what it would feel like to drown. Whenever I see a knife, I imagine what it would be like to have it <edit mod total eclipse triggering>. I cannot stop thinking about it. I cut to attempt to ease the pain, but it hasn't been working lately. I always seem to want to bleed, I just want to feel as much pain as possible to try to forget about my life, because my life sucks. It's pointless, and I just hate it. My "family" are nice, but not really once you live with them. Then it seems like all that ever comes out of their mouths are "do this" and "do that." I just want someone to say "I love you," but it never happens. Never. They also think they can make my memory better by taking everything I ever liked away. It's impossible for people to be nice to me now. If someone invites me to a party they say, "As long as you do all your chores, all your homework, wear you retainer, I want to see it on every day, and brush your teeth, you can go." I hate it when they do that. It happens every single time I want to do anything. Therefore I don't want to do any of that, therefore I forget to and the someone who invited me feels like I abandoned them. Or probably feels that way. It's impossible to please them. Never once have they said "good job." Not like it would make any difference anyway. I just hate my whole family, My mom has serious anger problems, my dad does everything he can to try to preserve his marriage (To be honest, I sometimes think it would be easier if they just divorced), and my sister doesn't really care about anything but herself, and that leaves me. I do nothing, I just exist, drinking water and eating food that could be eaten by someone who actually makes a little difference in this world. My "friends" all left me for whatever reason. They never liked me anyway, it was very, painfully obvious. One person stopped calling my one right after the other. Part of the reason I joined public school is to find a friend, and possibly a future boyfriend, although I keep thinking to myself, "Who will love me?" I've heard plenty of comments about how ugly I look. Even I think I'm ugly. I'm seeing a therapist. Even though I haven't been diagnosed with depression and/or ADHD I really think that's what I have, and who can blame me? My family doesn't really care about me. The whole house's mood is determined by the mood my mom is in. Which is usually a migraine and a really bad attitude. Therefore I spend most of my time locked up in my room listening to music or something else. I think about suicide so often. It's the fastest way out and I really like things to be fast. I wish that I could go up to a police officer or someone like that and just say, "Shoot me." I can't do it myself for some reason, which is why I'm still alive. I hold the knife to my chest, yet I can't do it. It frightens me, the pain. Anyway, sorry this was very long, and I don't really like complaining, but... I decided to just let out my feelings today.