My life is a chaotic mess.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Dying_Imp, May 15, 2012.

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  1. Dying_Imp

    Dying_Imp Active Member

    So, I don't know where to start, it seems that for the past year or so I have lurched from one crisis to another and no matter how often I think it can't get any worse, it does!
    Last June I took a large OD (nearly worked and I'm still PO that it didn't.) and ended up on the psych ward after ICU. While I was in my psychiatrist wrote to my employer saying that she didn't think that I was fit to work at that time, my employer went overboard, put me on unpaid leave and contacted our professional body to try and get me removed from the register. I met with the professional body (in Dec after 7months of unpaid leave) and they stated that they thought that I was fit to work and recommended that I return to work on a gradual return and be regularly supported. Work didn't agree and wanted me to go and see a third independent psychiatrist. By this point I was totally fed up and couldn't think that I would ever want to return to work so I handed in my notice.
    After spending so long on unpaid leave I couldn't afford to keep up with all my bills (and I couldn't drive because when I OD I had a couple of siezures so I am relying on others to take me everywhere) I had to declare myself bankrupt in Dec and the bank has just sold my house and I have to be out by the end of the month.
    After Christmas I split up with my partner (this was fine, it wasn't working and I wasn't happy anyway), my horse that I had had for 14yrs (and who was my 'baby') died and my ex-partner moved back to the area and has been staying with me along with her pony and dog (this is fine, we split up 5yrs ago and were together for 14yrs) now I feel really bad that we both have to get out of the house and only have a couple of weeks to find somewhere else to live. I have somewhere I can go with my horse and dog but I am going to have to get rid of my two cats because they can't go with me.
    I last OD about 4 weeks ago, the amount of SHing that I have been doing has increased (44 staples last time - ouch!) I have been using respite on the psych ward and have been seeing a counsellor weekly ( she is away for 6 weeks now). I have been refered to a theraputic community and have heard today that I am top of the list although this doesn't mean that there will be a bed in the forseeable future, if I am offered a place I will accept it but then I might have to stop doing the online course in animal care that I am doing. Also the place where the bed is is at least 3hrs away from any of my family and friends and I would miss my dog and horse terribly, stays at the TC appear to be in the region of several months to a year, not weeks, and I'm really scared of going.
    And just to top it all off, my best friend is incredibly stressed atm and was crying on my shoulder the other day and said that I cannot kill myself or do 'anything' while she is away as it would be too much for her to cope with - now I feel angry at her for 'stopping me' doing what I want to do.
    So, I don't know if any of that made sense. If you managed to read your way through it, well done and thank you.

    If this is in the wrong place please feel free to move it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i did read your post hun and i think if you can try the theraputic community okay just try it You can always decide later if it does not work but it may just be the help you need Don't close any doors of support okay hugs
  3. Dying_Imp

    Dying_Imp Active Member

    Thank you for taking time to read my post and to reply.
    If I am offered a bed at the theraputic community I will take it. I don't know what will happen about the course that I am doing, it's online and part time but does involve having to go to 2 day placements and a block course and I can't really see them letting me go and do things like that so soon after admission.
    The whole idea of a TC terrifies me, I don't much like being around other people and the thought of attending groups and being expected to 'talk' makes me want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. I also hate to eat in front of other people and I'm betting that they won't let me sneak off to my room to eat my meals!
    I am packing up what is left of my home and getting ready to say goodbye to my cats and my sister who is very supportive (as is her husband) really doesn't think that I have anything that I need to be stressed about, she thinks that if I 'just' ask the government that I will be given a place to live (as I will be homeless) and the money to pay for everything. It doesn't work like that, there are no council places available and it seems a bit pointless to even go down that route if I am going to be moving to the TC.
    I don't know, everything just feels like a huge complicated mess and I don't want to do it anymore, I don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm so tired and tired of being tired.
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