Ive never done one of these forums before, but i figured this might be the one place i can be truthful about my life and not be judged. I am going through a divorce right now to a man that I still love and have two young children with. It is my fault my husband doesnt want me anymore. A year ago I had a short lived affair with a co-worker of mine. My husband found out and as a result of this affair I became pregnant. The stupid thing is that I loved my husband the whole time and didnt actually not want tp be married anymore, I just got bored and wanted attention from someone who would give it to me and I missed that since my husband and I had been distant in our marriage for sometime. After the affair, I moved out of our house into my own apartment and my husband and I went to court for custody issues with our kids and to get a legal seperation. I ended my fling with this guy a long time ago, but since then I have had the baby so I still have to see him sometimes. I begged mu husband to forgive me which he did and asked if we could go to marriage couseling and see if we could save our marriage and he said he wasnt in love with me anymore. I am so stupid....everyday I am reminded of the horrible act i did and how i hurt my husband, family, and friends. I cant bear it anymore....I want my husband to love me again and give me a second chance. I thought he didnt want to be around my baby, but thats not it because he will hold her and feed and play with her. He wants to divorce and move out of state with our two children and if he does that, I have to choose between living near my two older children or living in state with my baby and close to her father. Its so unreal. Ive had an eating disorder for eight years and have had depression on and off since I was a teen. I see a counselor, I take meds, but nothing helps. My family and friends live back east and I have no one here to talk to cuz they all took my husbands side. Im lonely and scared. I work full time, just enough to get by and I go to college full time. I just find it really hard to go on anymore. It seems like my life is permantley screwed and I will lose one or two of my children and I hate the thought of not being able to see my children everyday. Ive think everyday it would be better to just die, but I dont have the guts to do it. Im afraid either way.