My life is a giant mess and i cant keep up the :)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sceneandsad, May 23, 2013.

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  1. sceneandsad

    sceneandsad New Member

    So basically, let me give you the scoop.

    Im new here by the way. Made an account 5 minutes ago.

    so

    • My friends all leave at some point. They talk about me behind my back and say that al i do is bug them and annoy them, and that Im a screw up. They think i fake depression. All I do is care about them and love them and help them through things, and they repay me with this. I do all this amazing stuff for them (write them songs, write them poetry, help cheer them up, hug them, invite them places, buy them things, etc.) and in return, they stab me in the back. I also get bullied.
    • My mom makes me feel like crap. Ive been suicidal for more than a year now, and she always tells me how if i were to do it she would never forgive me. I self harm, and since im in therapy (yeah, its not helping…) and i was planning to go to hawaii this year, today she threatened me and said "If you ever f*cking self harm again, you willl spend all summer at your grandmas house and me and your father will go to hawaii. without you." we fight literally 24/7 and she screams at me for not being good enough. My dad has always been there fr me, but lately he is taking her side and being mean to me too. My parents just casually blame me for costing them a load of money for therapy. I have no siblings, and im stuck with them for years. I cant stand living here anymore.
    • Im bisexual. (girl.) My ENTIRE FAMILY (except for my parents thank goodness) IS EXTREMELY HOMOPHOBIC. LIKE, E X T R E M E L Y. if i were to ever be proud and come out, my family would stop talking with me. They would hate me. THey would also hate me if they found out about my self harm and suicidal thinking. SO basically, my entire family would hate me if they found out the real me, so I can never come out. Ever.
    • My therapist isnt helping me at all. I feel more suicidal than I have ever been in my entire life.
    • School is seriously overwhelming. my parents put a pretty good amount of pressure on me to do well in school. Im in all honors classes, but recently, as the depression has taken over more than ever, Ive been failing almost everything.. I just cant find the will to do homework or make effort. Whats the point? Im gunna probably kill myself soon anyways.
    • Im (not to brag, sorry :/ ) a very good singer/songwriter. I play guitar, piano, violin, and ukulele. My parents put a lot of pressure on me to write songs so that when Im older, i can "get discovered and make the family rich and proud." Dont get me wrong: I want to get discovered (If im still alive at that point) and i LOVE songwriting, but find myself less and less willling to do it as my family puts more pressure on me. They're ruining something for me that used to be just my thing….now its the entire families business and i dont want it to me
    • Im fat and ugly as fuck. Ive been bullied since I was freaking 3 years old…and all that most people told me when i was growing up was that i was "worthless" "annoying" "weird" "loser" "bitch" etc. This caused all of my thoughts to be similar. So you could basically say my self esteem is shit.
    • I just a pathetic excuse for a human, and i cant keep doing this. Yes, im extremely afraid of going to hell, but at the same time, i dont believe in god or heaven. I kinda think that there is only hell…..like we all have the same fate. So what difference would it make if i go to hell now, than if i go to hell in 60 years from now? It's gunna happen sometime, and living here is hell, so why not>
    • SUPRISE!! Im fucking 13 years old. If I started having these thoughts when I was so young, i KNOW they are going to be with me forever. and i cant live this way my whole life…..i just, cant.
    • I know its gunna devestate my family, but honestly? they fucking broke me. they deserve it.
    so yeah. those are my reasons for suicide. I dont know the set date yet, but it has to be in a while. i need the recent cuts on my arm to heal completely, so that if i fail the attempt they cant accuse me of the new cuts.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I know you won't believe me, but the teen years are a bloody nightmare, but they do pass.
    Everything seems a huge deal and you're trying to find who you are in the scheme of things, whilst everyone else treats you like a child but expects you to act like an adult.

    If you are being bullied, see a teacher you trust and tell them.
    Bullying must be tackled head on or it will leave permanent bad memories of your school years, to say nothing of destroying any self confidence you may have.

    Do you think the therapy is going anywhere, and do you trust your therapist?
    If not, you may need someone different.
    We don't always gel with a therapist, and as trust is of the utmost importance, finding the right one is a prerogative.

    Mum and dad might just be at the end of their tether, and not know how to deal with all the issues you are facing.
    Sometimes a parent thinks "if I demand they stop, they will" and it's all done out of love and fear, but is not a very wise course.
    Trouble is parents don't get a "How To" manual when their kids are born and they don't always get things right.
    If you can, pick a time where no one is busy or annoyed or stressed and try to explain just what is going on with you.
    Say things calmly and quietly, that will carry much more weight than an emotional outburst and try to get them to understand what you need from them.

    If you can't do any of the above, find an adult you trust and tell them.
     
  3. WednesdayA

    WednesdayA New Member

    I can relate one hundred percent to you...the teen years were hell for me. To address each of your points, the "Friends" who leave and talk behind your back are not true friends...though, at your age it is extremely common. No one wants to be the outcast and even if someone who starts talking crap is talking to someone who really likes you and cares about you, sometimes it's too hard for them to defend you so they just agree...that is just the way it is in the teenage world, and sadly sometimes in the adult world. People who do not understand mental illness and depression think that depression is just "being sad" or "wanting attention"..this is so far from the truth but until you know first hand it is hard for people to really understand. I constantly heard "why can't you just be happy" growing up and it made me upset..if it were that easy...depression wouldn't be an issue. Try to find some friends who can relate. Depression is extremely common, especially in your age group..maybe talk to a counselor at school about a group they may have or something. It may help.

    Your second point, my mother made me feel awful my whole life. I remember after I had self harmed one time she saw it and grounded me for a month...which just made me upset and wanted to self harm again. I was in therapy all through my childhood and teen years...my father was out of the picture ( in prison) and my mother met this verbally abusive man who she clung on to. They both made our lives a living hell and were a huge part of my depression and my reason for wanting to kill myself. I got threatened at one point that they were going to take me to court and sue me for the money I costed them....your family sounds a lot like mine...just remember. You are not going to be living there forever...these years are rough...they suck, but wait until you get older...life gets better..it really does.

    You are bisexual, right now it seems scary to come out...but one day it will feel right. My family is homophobic and religious ( not my mother) and when my grandfather came out many stopped talked to him but ya know what? He was free to be himself and they eventually came around. I know there are groups like the gay/straight alliance and whatnot that may help you with these issues. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Do not ever feel like you are less than based on your sexuality. Ever.

    Therapy isn't helping? I might try to tell your therapist that...tell her ( or him) that you don't feel like it is benefiting you...maybe there is a new approach they can take..remember though, always be honest with your therapist..they cannot help you with your root issues if you are not one hundred percent honest with them..

    School is overwhelming, and I know depression can seriously get in the way of caring about school. Just try your best and remember, doing well in school is part of the big picture...if you do well in school, you can go to college and be whatever you want...imagine doing something for the rest of your life that you love doing..Do not kill yourself...you are worth so much more than you even realize. People you think wouldn't care. do care...your family loves you, even if they give you a hard time. If you end your life you will never know how great life can be. I promise you. It sounds like a long way off but hang on...it gets better.

    SInging/song writing/playing instruments is amazing! Brag on! Do not be sorry that you know you are good at something! That is an amazing talent that not many people have. This also might be a good outlet for how you feel, writing songs can help. Imagine one day you write a song that helps someone in your position now..you would be amazed at how many people ( including myself) turn to music for strength. You have a gift, do not let anyone take that away from you. DO it for you, no one else. Be proud to be as talented as you are. That is amazing.

    Every 13 year thinks they are ugly and fat...this is not true. I was bullied too. I always had the stupid clothes and weird haircut...then guess what happened..I grew up and now I love the way I look. Kids bully others to take the target off of themselves. You are not ugly. Do not listen to what bullies say to you...bullies themselves have self esteem issues with not feeling they are good enough and they feel as though they have to put down others in order to feel superior. Ignore it. It is hard, but ignore them. They are not going to be in your life forever.

    You are far from pathetic, I have seen you say you're in all honors, musically talented, etc. This is just more evidence of your lack of self esteem. Do not let anyone tell you these things. Pathetic people are people who hurt people on purpose, who are bad people. i can tell you are not.

    I know you are 13 and the thought of living in misery forever is frightening..but you will not. i promise you that years from now you will look back at all that you have gone through and realize how much better your life is. Living on your own, going to college, first loves..all in your future..do not give up. Life gets better..I am living proof of this...

    Please feel free to contact me to talk...I am here and I care. Keep your head up...it IS going to be ok :)
     
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hello there sceneandsad,

    I can relate to a lot of what you said. A lot of my troubles started in my teen years, and believe me when I say, things really do get better. I will address some of the things I have experienced myself and fought through to give you an idea and a little advice on how you can overcome them.

    1) At 13 years old, many teens are still very immature. It is where they begin discovering different friendship groups and it's when feelings of jealousy, wanting to show off really begins to show itself. I used to fall out with my friends all the time, and it used to be heart breaking. But the bitching and fall outs never lasted for long, and they were very petty and definitely not the end of the world. What I will say is, the friends that you make now, probably won't be the friends that you will stick with for life. People tend to make up stories about other people bitching about other people, mainly to get attention for themselves. You will learn not to take much notice, and if people are genuinely bitching about you, then are they really worth the time and effort getting upset over? You can either confront them, find out why they are doing what they are doing, or just leave them to it, show them you are NOT bothered (even though it does hurt) and they will get bored and move onto someone else.

    2) Parents. They must know that are struggling if you are in therapy for your troubles. A lot of parents get frustrated and angry when they find out their child self harms/is depressed/ is suicidal. Not because they are necessarily angry at you, but the situation. Many parents don't know how to handle their child's depression, which is why they can lash out. It doesn't mean your parents hate you, it means that they don't understand or are not processing it very well, probably because they don't know how they can help for the best. With my parents, they used to get frustrated with me when I wouldn't come out with my room and used to question me endlessly when they saw new cuts on my arms. In the end I lost it with them, and told them to let me breathe, I will speak to you when I'm ready! I also really struggled to verbalise my feelings to them, so I used to write them letters and they used to understand things much better after reading words rather than me just snapping at them, making them angry.

    3) As for being bisexual, you don't have to tell your parents or family until you are ready to do so yourself. It probably isn't the best time to come out with it until you get your depression addressed and get through that obstacle with your parents first. Usually with parents they have views about things, but when they find out their child is gay/bi/lesbian/trans they find it a shock, but they do come around eventually. There are a lot of LGBT support groups who can give you advice about these issues and usually have helplines open for when you are struggling with those types of issues.

    4) Therapy can often make you feel worse before you feel better. When I was a teenager, my self harm got considerably worse when I began therapy, but was told this was to be expected as you begin to open up about stuff that you have repressed. Have you tried telling your therapist about your feelings/ They may be able to slow things down, or adjust their approach if you feel that it is not working for you. You don't always get it right first time around with therapy, for some people, it takes them 4 or 5 therapists before they find the right one, and not every type of therapy is suitable for everyone. But the important thing is to be honest. If you feel it's not working, tell your therapist.

    5) When I was extremely depressed and suicidal when I was at school I found it extremely hard to function, and the anxiety of going to classes was just overwhelming. I was able to drop a couple of classes to lessen the pressure and to focus on getting good grades in my other subjects. I also worked out a timetable with my school, to ease me back into it. I started off with doing 2 hours of school a day, then 3 hours, then I would go in for the morning, then eventually I went back to school full time. It really eased my anxiety and in the end, I managed really good grades. The important thing here is that you do what is right for YOU. Not anybody else, not your parents, YOU. It is you who is suffering, and not getting the grades because of the stress, work something you with your teachers. They may be able to cut you some slack, give you extensions on deadlines if they know that you are depressed and struggling.

    6)Only do your singing/song writing and music when YOU want to and when you feel upto it. It is something you enjoy, tell your family to back off. Be honest, tell them their pressure is making you not enjoy your hobby anymore.

    7) Bullying. This is the big one. I was severely bullied at school. One thing I learned is that you cannot go through it alone. Tell your parents, tell your therapist, tell your teachers, tell the police if necessarily. People will keep doing it if you stay silent. Be strong, tell someone. I get great satisfaction many times when teachers told my bullies parents the extent of what they did to me and watching them cry like a baby. I also received death threats in phone calls and received text messages that I would be raped and whatnot, so I got the police involved. When they found out the perpetrators, they cried like the bitches they were, and never did anything to me again!

    8) You are depressed. You are bound to get low self esteem and horrible thoughts when you are depressed. Nobody of any age, gender, background, race etc is immune to getting depression. But it does get better. But the most important thing is honesty. You need to be telling people how you are feeling whether this is your therapist, family doctor, parents, school counsellor, teachers etc. Unfortunately people are not mind readers, and they will not know if you don't tell them. By being honest, you can open yourself up to the right help and treatment, so you can get better and well again. You are 13, you have your ENTIRE life ahead of you. It would be a waste to give up now, especially when most things you have described are very fixable and workable.
     
  5. sceneandsad

    sceneandsad New Member

    oh my gosh ! thank you so much! this really made me smile! :)
     
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