So basically, let me give you the scoop. Im new here by the way. Made an account 5 minutes ago. so My friends all leave at some point. They talk about me behind my back and say that al i do is bug them and annoy them, and that Im a screw up. They think i fake depression. All I do is care about them and love them and help them through things, and they repay me with this. I do all this amazing stuff for them (write them songs, write them poetry, help cheer them up, hug them, invite them places, buy them things, etc.) and in return, they stab me in the back. I also get bullied. My mom makes me feel like crap. Ive been suicidal for more than a year now, and she always tells me how if i were to do it she would never forgive me. I self harm, and since im in therapy (yeah, its not helping…) and i was planning to go to hawaii this year, today she threatened me and said "If you ever f*cking self harm again, you willl spend all summer at your grandmas house and me and your father will go to hawaii. without you." we fight literally 24/7 and she screams at me for not being good enough. My dad has always been there fr me, but lately he is taking her side and being mean to me too. My parents just casually blame me for costing them a load of money for therapy. I have no siblings, and im stuck with them for years. I cant stand living here anymore. Im bisexual. (girl.) My ENTIRE FAMILY (except for my parents thank goodness) IS EXTREMELY HOMOPHOBIC. LIKE, E X T R E M E L Y. if i were to ever be proud and come out, my family would stop talking with me. They would hate me. THey would also hate me if they found out about my self harm and suicidal thinking. SO basically, my entire family would hate me if they found out the real me, so I can never come out. Ever. My therapist isnt helping me at all. I feel more suicidal than I have ever been in my entire life. School is seriously overwhelming. my parents put a pretty good amount of pressure on me to do well in school. Im in all honors classes, but recently, as the depression has taken over more than ever, Ive been failing almost everything.. I just cant find the will to do homework or make effort. Whats the point? Im gunna probably kill myself soon anyways. Im (not to brag, sorry :/ ) a very good singer/songwriter. I play guitar, piano, violin, and ukulele. My parents put a lot of pressure on me to write songs so that when Im older, i can "get discovered and make the family rich and proud." Dont get me wrong: I want to get discovered (If im still alive at that point) and i LOVE songwriting, but find myself less and less willling to do it as my family puts more pressure on me. They're ruining something for me that used to be just my thing….now its the entire families business and i dont want it to me Im fat and ugly as fuck. Ive been bullied since I was freaking 3 years old…and all that most people told me when i was growing up was that i was "worthless" "annoying" "weird" "loser" "bitch" etc. This caused all of my thoughts to be similar. So you could basically say my self esteem is shit. I just a pathetic excuse for a human, and i cant keep doing this. Yes, im extremely afraid of going to hell, but at the same time, i dont believe in god or heaven. I kinda think that there is only hell…..like we all have the same fate. So what difference would it make if i go to hell now, than if i go to hell in 60 years from now? It's gunna happen sometime, and living here is hell, so why not> SUPRISE!! Im fucking 13 years old. If I started having these thoughts when I was so young, i KNOW they are going to be with me forever. and i cant live this way my whole life…..i just, cant. I know its gunna devestate my family, but honestly? they fucking broke me. they deserve it. so yeah. those are my reasons for suicide. I dont know the set date yet, but it has to be in a while. i need the recent cuts on my arm to heal completely, so that if i fail the attempt they cant accuse me of the new cuts.