my life is a joke

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ragermoon, Aug 2, 2016.

  1. ragermoon

    ragermoon Active Member

    People drain me. The sun stresses me out. I can't relate to positivity, and when I try to I feel like I'm lying to myself, trying to repeat these affirmations that life is beautiful and I'm worth it, but mine isn't and I'm not. I'm confused. I'm exhausted. I'm guilty. I'm miserable. I smile, laugh and go out of my way to try and convince people that I feel normal and fine and that I belong. But I don't. Not that anyone really cares. I've become so good at hiding it that people who have known me for years have simply accepted that my withdrawal from the world is just "the way I am" now, not because I hate myself and want this miserable life to be over with. I wish I wasn't so insistent on lying and that someone, just one person could sit me down and tell me they know I'm not okay. Instead I live my life never daring to remove my mask. It feels like a fake game that I'm always losing but constantly being forced to play, and I wish I could find the exit.
     
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am Mr OKAY thnx, how are you? Like fuck am I ok, but you sure as hell aint gonna listen to me because it aint what you want to fuckin hear is it. But no, we cant say that can we, nope, that would be bordering on rude and people would think ill of us so we revert to, OKAY thnx.

    Honestly, no BS, I have had this facade now for 35 years. No one see's my weaknesses, no one knows my problems, no one see's the real me. I am OKAY thnx. But what else is there? No one listens anyway, so yeah, I am OKAY thnx. Even the medical profession seem to only hear what they want to hear. I have a voice in my head calling me a fucking wimp and telling me to get out. "Oh really" Nah, not really, I am OKAY thnx.

    I am with you ragermoon, I am tired of playin this fuckin game, but hey, what does it really matter because I am Mr OKAY thnx, so I dont do tired, I dont do games and I sure as hell dont hear voices.
     
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  3. I'mTrying

    I'mTrying Member

    I know exactly how you're feeling. I've been this way for a long time, and I feel trapped.
     
  4. ragermoon

    ragermoon Active Member

    Thank you for your thoughts. I don't know about you, but I wish I looked like how I felt, black eyes, bruises, cuts, the whole 9 yards, I wish I could let myself act as heartless and terrible as I feel, so that when I have to spit out those dumbass words "I'm OKAY, thanks" the person who asked can't merrily accept my answer and move on like they always do. then again, what good would it do for them to know? they wouldn't listen to or believe me anyway.
     
    PeaceOfMind and SinisterKid like this.
  5. ragermoon

    ragermoon Active Member


    I appreciate your comment, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I don't know if there is a worse feeling than this "trapped" one.
     
    PeaceOfMind likes this.