why hold on when youve held on for so long and are still right back in the same place. when youre life is one big circle of failure. when you look around you and see success of others you see happiness and you feel so alone so humiliated because you cant succeed youre a fuck up you arent anyone. you live a lie you pretend to be someone you wear a mask because your pain is too much you dont want anyone to know because they will never understand they will judge you because you keep failing and think youre pathetic because you want to give up think that its your own damn fault you are nothing. to have searched for that door to have tried to create that door only to watch it all come crumbling down to be lost in your own sea of pain. to wonder what horrible thing you couldve done to deserve this life to be so alone so crawl out of the gutter to have fought drug addiction and won to have become a medic and 911 dispatcher only to fuck it all up not because you dont know what you are doing but because you couldnt deal with your own life fix yourself never mind fix someone elses because people think youre emotionless and cold because you didnt cry over the bad calls but really you just couldnt feel any more. im so humiliated, ashamed to be me because i must not be a good person if this is my life. when i have to lie to friends who invite me to gun range ya sure i could use to blow off some steam when really you just want to learn how to shoot a gun in case one day youre given the oppurtunity to use one to end your pain to end it all to go home and cry because you want it over so bad you cant breathe you cant feel you cant exist but yet you do no matter how hard you want not to. it seems like such a waste all the pain ive been through to just end it all now but what else is there? theres no hope left theres no light at the end of the tunnel and if there is you know itll just go out just as you reach it. watching everything you worked for every hope every dream slip through your fingers to lose them all. to spend the summer working with kids on the same meds as you kids with depression kids with pain and hurt and a life like yours to hold them and tell them i feel your pain but not being able to say itll be ok because youre not ok how could i have ever thought i could help them when i cant help myself to give hope you have to have hope and i have none.