My Life is an Enigma (I need help)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AnonymousMale, Apr 6, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. AnonymousMale

    AnonymousMale New Member

    My Life is an Enigma (Contemplating Suicide)

    I'm not sure why there's a point anymore; it doesn't seem to me that there is any incentive for living. It would be greatly appreciated if everyone read EVERYTHING before making a response. I just want the whole picture to be painted.


    There's a number of things that have brought me to this spiraling decrescendo. Although I seldom attribute my personal well-being to my own parents, I feel that the reason why I still exist on this earth is because I thought (at one point in time) that there was more to live for.

    Through the course of my life, I've given too much thought into every action and intention I've had. For all the negative things that I have done, I make myself feel personally responsible/liable, which plunges me into a greater depressive state. Sometimes, I would scream out, "Fuck," in the privacy of my own home because I would remember certain events which made me look like an idiot or a complete ass.

    My life, in itself, is a fallacy perpetuated by my own psychological instinct. At home, I would have an extraordinarily different personality than I would at school. At home, I would be a person without any personal restrictions on what I did or said. Even though I (mostly) followed the rules of the household, I would be able to curse with my brothers without any thoughts of retribution. At school, not only did I refrain from such activities, but I became socially awkward to be around. Even though most of my friends at school are the best I could have wished for, I feel like I bring down the mood of the group, something I never wanted to happen.

    At school, I always give the teachers the impression that I'm an awkward child, and that my presence does improve their thoughts about me. When I try to be funny, I'm not; when I feel down, no one's there to cheer me up. For me, it was as if I was stuck in some sort of pseudo-social caste system. I would NEVER be able to acclimate myself to another point in the social scale.

    My self-consciousness has also played a crucial factor in my depression. I never, in my life, felt good looking. I didn't receive braces until I was 15 years old, I always kept on bundling myself up with clothes because my arms looked too skinny, and I rarely had time to blow-dry and brush my hair. Even though my brothers would say that I looked alright, I still felt they were bullshitting me so they wouldn't have to waste their breath talking about it.

    I've had many crushes during my lifetime, but only in one instance did I feel emotionally attached. During one of the crushes, I made myself think that I was, "in-love" with that person, purely out of my own spite. The reason why I had so many crushes, was because of how nice some of the girls were to me. Although it wasn't a rare occurrence for girls to be nice, I always felt happier when I was being flirted with. Ironically, all the flirting was unsubstantiated, as they never had any real feelings for me.

    Right now, I feel very emotionally attached to an extraordinarily beautiful girl. Her beauty, however, is third to her personality and the chemistry that works between us. I would find myself more than once losing myself in the endless abyss of her beautiful blue eyes. Out of the many problems that already exist in out relationship, it's also hard to think that we're second cousins. I always stopped myself from doing anything because of ideals that have been instilled in me since birth. More than 90% of the world frowns upon such relationships, and I would be shunned for any such advancement.

    Last summer, when I visited her house in Germany (I speak German fluently) I kissed her on the cheek before I got in the car with my brothers and parents. She seemed indifferent, which caused me to wonder about what she was thinking.

    Today, I was playing Rockband with her little sister when she struck up a conversation about the French language. Since I've studied the French language for some time, I asked if she knew what, "Je l'aime" meant. With no pause, she said, "I love you?" In my shock, I denied it at first, and then asked her how she knew. She simply said, "I already knew." I made her smile/laugh a lot, and it made me feel like a fucking million dollars. I tried to sit closer to her on the couch, but I could see that she seemed uncomfortable. For a little bit, I would get away from the couch so she could relax, but I was ashamed at myself for become overwhelmingly jealous when she was laughing and having fun with my brother. When I came back to sit on the couch a while later, she left 30 minutes after, saying that she had to go to bed. After I asked her what was wrong, she said, "nothing," but I knew there was something. Before going to bed, I checked the room where the couch was, and found my brother, her, and her sister sitting next to him with his computer on his lap. My brother's humor is so blatantly stupid and moronic, and for some reason or another, his humor/persona out-trumps mine. I guess it won't matter for long.

    As of right now, my parents have refused to acknowledge any correlation between my thoughts of suicide and clinical depression. I AM clinically depressed, and I feel I won't last much longer if I'm denied the right to talk to someone, or receive help. My parents have the best of intentions, and are great, but they ignore any and all warnings signs that I have had. Can someone just please listen to me? I wish all these problems would just fade away without putting a bullet between my eyes. I wish I could cry and not give a good god damn.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2010
  2. AnonymousMale

    AnonymousMale New Member

    Not really helping
  3. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi AnonomousMale,

    Sorry no one has responded yet to your post, but remember that sometimes it does take a while to get some responses. Sometimes I don't feel like I have any good advice to give, so I'd just not reply at the moment, and later I might have something to say.

    I experience this ALL THE TIME! I just can't seem to calm my brain down, and if I'm not doing anything too intensive and allow my thoughts to wander, I inevitably stumble across a memory of where I did something embarrassing, or didn't reply correctly or quick enough, or wasn't funny enough, wasn't smooth enough, laughed inappropriately, didn't say something with the feeling I wanted to convey, gave off the wrong impression etc. The feeling that washes over me is that of complete and utter failure, even though it may be something extremely small. And worst of all, its usually noticeable when I'm in public and a lot of the time I have to come up with a good lie as to what it is I find so funny or why I have a weird facial expression at that moment.

    I can fuss over something small for hours, and it definitely affects me whether I want to admit it or not.

    I also feel like this a lot of the time, but with me its like I don't have control over when I have restrictions and when I don't. I can be openly social one moment, and the next I won't say anything for hours. I know that awkward feeling of wanting to be a part of the conversation so badly, that you end up saying something embarrassing just to be heard. Or you tell a joke that sounded so much better in your head, and you can literally hear the crickets chirping because no one is laughing.. :rolleyes: Not nice..

    Its tough competing with brothers who tend to take the spotlight and leaving you in the dark. My only advice to you is that you first learn to accept yourself for who you are. You don't have to compete with them or anyone else. You're you and you have unique characteristics that you can't compare to your brothers or anyone else for that matter.

    Lastly, regarding your parents not believing you have clinical depression. Don't leave it there. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to convince your parents that there's something wrong, especially if they don't believe in depression as an actual sickness. It's up to you to give them insights into your thought pattern, as they won't or can't know what its like to live with depression if they haven't experienced it first hand. Do they actually need to know for you to book an appointment with a doctor? If they're not taking you seriously, can't you make the appointment anyway just to show how serious you actually are?

    Anyways, clinical depression is treatable. You just need to get yourself some help, and make no mistake - YOU need to initiate the process. Go make your appointment with your GP tomorrow if you can. If you can't, we're always here if you need to talk. And there are other tools you can use if you think that life is getting a bit much such as crisis/ suicide hotlines etc. If you want to have a more personal discussion, you are most welcome to PM me.

    You seem like a great guy, and it would be a tragedy if you harmed yourself! All the best!

  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    keep posting. don't end it we are all here.
  5. AnonymousMale

    AnonymousMale New Member

    In spite of recent events, I don't think ending my life would justify what has happened to me. I still have a lot of potential, and I'm wishing to live my life to the fullest. I'm not done yet...:wink:

    And Max, your post was extraordinarily helpful. Thank you for your time.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi AM...what a skillful and talented writer you are...and yes, it is clear you have so much potential...of course there is a correlation betw your su ideation and depression...can you speak to your family MD and discuss how you are feeling? Maybe s/he can make some suggestions...big hugs, J
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Just wanted to let you know I read your thread, but don't have anything usefull to say right now.. I'm not awake yet..You are being heard!!!!
  8. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi AnonymousMale,

    You're most welcome. I'm glad I could be of some help and that you're giving yourself a chance. You seem like a really smart guy, and with some hard work I'm sure you can get through this!

    I hope you find some happiness and peace of mind for yourself. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

    All the best.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.