Hi everyone, My life is as close to perfect as one can get, but I still cannot shake depression or suicidal desires. I have money, a job I love, a great boyfriend, good friends and a loving family who has given me everything. I'm also very attractive. My life isn't perfect, but I'm very very lucky to have it. Yet, on the inside, I've always been miserable. I'm very depressed, always socially anxious, and suicidal at times. It's awful for me to have these feelings. I travel and work in war-torn countries. I know what real pain and desperation looks like. But many people I meet in such terrible situations still love life. They're always able to find the silver lining. It makes me feel terribly guilty. I wish I could give one of them my life so someone can appreciate and use my privilege to be the best they can be. I don't feel like I deserve my life. I've seen countless therapists and psychiatrists. I've tried all the drugs and techniques and am currently well-medicated, but nothing works. I'm still miserable and I still want to die. I would kill myself, but I can't do that to my loved ones. It isn't fair to them. So I'm trapped in this hell, looking for anything and everything to fix me. It's almost like I've fallen in love with my depression; I don't know how else to exist. I don't know how to be happy. Traveling is the only method I've found that helps me cope. Anticipating "getting away" makes me feel like I can escape life for awhile and be and feel something new, somewhere else. But no matter where I go, or how long I stay there - the minute I arrive, the feelings come back. Anticipating the escape is my only release. Does anyone have any advice? What is this life and why must we live it?