My life is as close to perfect you can get, but I still don't want to live.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anonym0us, Jul 29, 2015.

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  1. anonym0us

    anonym0us New Member

    Hi everyone,

    My life is as close to perfect as one can get, but I still cannot shake depression or suicidal desires. I have money, a job I love, a great boyfriend, good friends and a loving family who has given me everything. I'm also very attractive. My life isn't perfect, but I'm very very lucky to have it. Yet, on the inside, I've always been miserable. I'm very depressed, always socially anxious, and suicidal at times.

    It's awful for me to have these feelings. I travel and work in war-torn countries. I know what real pain and desperation looks like. But many people I meet in such terrible situations still love life. They're always able to find the silver lining. It makes me feel terribly guilty. I wish I could give one of them my life so someone can appreciate and use my privilege to be the best they can be. I don't feel like I deserve my life.

    I've seen countless therapists and psychiatrists. I've tried all the drugs and techniques and am currently well-medicated, but nothing works. I'm still miserable and I still want to die.

    I would kill myself, but I can't do that to my loved ones. It isn't fair to them. So I'm trapped in this hell, looking for anything and everything to fix me. It's almost like I've fallen in love with my depression; I don't know how else to exist. I don't know how to be happy.

    Traveling is the only method I've found that helps me cope. Anticipating "getting away" makes me feel like I can escape life for awhile and be and feel something new, somewhere else. But no matter where I go, or how long I stay there - the minute I arrive, the feelings come back. Anticipating the escape is my only release.

    Does anyone have any advice? What is this life and why must we live it?
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    what make you feel like this? does your family know about this? when I feel depressed I look at what I have and what I would lose if I die and that makes me go forward in life.
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    You can't always control the way that you feel. Depression or other mental illness can do that to you. The drugs haven't helped me either. I have no external reason to feel so unhappy, but I do and I can't help it. I hate it that I feel so bad, but there's nothing I can do.
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