my life is doomed

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OutCaste, Mar 31, 2008.

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  1. OutCaste

    OutCaste Well-Known Member

    im 21 and i am a social outcaste ever since the day i was born and i was heavily bullied in the last 3 years or so. i was sexually abused at 6. this has totally disturbed my mental process on sexual issues. i do things which are not normal and not publically accepted(i haven't harmed anyone though)there are a lot of rumors (really embarassing related to sexuality and they are true)i left my first job because of this harassment.i run away from people because i fear their judgement. i just wish i was normal.

    recently, one of my worst dreams have come true. i have been admitted to masters of computer science program at drexel university which means i have to face demons of my past once again. i was hoping that i would be admitted elsewhere where there was no one who knew me. the school is full of people who bullied me back in college. i fear that once i reach the place (im an international student) the rumor mongering will start again. first in groups of 5-6 and later everyone will join in. i think it would have been better if god had ordained death upon me.theres no point in living like this.
     
  2. diver200

    diver200 Senior Member

    Outcaste, do you have to go on for further schooling? maybe you should stay away until you find a school where you can get a new start.

    Also, there is a Bullying forum, you might find some comfort in the struggles of other victims of this tragic reality of our time.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.
     
  3. OutCaste

    OutCaste Well-Known Member

    "further schooling" was just an excuse i shamelessly used with my parents because i was too afraid to work.couldnt deal with bullying or what i probably perceived as bullying
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2008
  4. diver200

    diver200 Senior Member

    Sometimes, the best thing to do is to face our fears dead on. You don't know how you will be in the working world until you just get out there and do it! If you aren't already, you should probably also get with a doc. They may be able to help you through this more than you know. Keep plugging!! :cool:
     
  5. OutCaste

    OutCaste Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your concerns.

    I left the previous job(the first i got after my BS) about 7-8 months ago so that I could prepare for GRE and the related things like recommendation letters, sop etc.I do work in a software company right now(3 months) but I do not talk to anyone and have distanced myself from others on purpose. It was very difficult to go to job. I got this job because of some contacts but I wonder if this is the reason why boss is not laying me off( hes a good man and allows me to work at home too. i try my best to do the job as efficiently i can.). I feel guilty for letting my parents down. I don't know if I can survive with this strange sociopathic attitude in real companies. Nobody wants an anti social freak.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2008
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