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Empathy Only My Life is Empty

#1
Hi all,
This is my first post. In July 2019 I lost my dear wife to pancreatic cancer. We were married 50yrs. We have two children now well into their 40's. I do get weekly visits. And I have a few local neighbours I can chat to from time to time. But the house I live in is no longer a home; its just a residence - a dead zone. My darling made it a home. But the home faded away upon her passing. Im 74 and quite simply don't want to live anymore. The only time life is tolerable when on my own in the dead zone is to drink strong beer. Sometimes binging. Sometimes just cruising. I have a plan as to how I can end my miserable existance - but do I have the courage? <mod edit - method> That way it looks like death from misadventure thus saving our kids the trauma of knowing their dad committed suicide. Its now October. The real freeze up starts in January so I have a few months to get my mind around it. But will I have the courage?
 
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Kiwi2016

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#2
First welcome to SF as here you will find an incredible group of individuals who can offer support, encouragement and advice. I can only imagine how difficult the loss of your wife has been for you. Having watched my father mourn my mother's passing I know that there are no words that can begin to ease your pain of loss nor is there a timeline of grieving. So though you posted as only empathy please try to be gentle on yourself as you have lost your soulmate. I hope with time that your mind, heart and soul becomes filled with the happy, funny, gentle moments that you two shared as she lives on in you and your kids. Please take to heart that you are not alone so I encourage you to keep posting.
 

Walker

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#3
Hi Geoff,
Welcome to SF. I'm sorry to hear about your wife, that's really terrible. It sounds like you two had quite a life together so I'm not surprised that you're feeling so bad right now.
You said you're seeing your kids weekly - are you guys going out places?
I think you should consider how you feel now in relation to how your kids would feel losing both their parents in such a short time span. I know you likely don't see that as a similar circumstance & it's not exactly - but it is comparable.
I hope you find support here at SF. We are here to talk with you any time.
Matt

P.S. I had to edit your post for the method of suicide it contains.
 
#4
Hi. Welcome to the forums @Geoff999. I'm sorry you've been what you had to go through and that you're feeling so bad.

It sounds like you might be feeling quite isolated. Is there a way you can reach out or find other people? You might be able to find groups or clubs in your area where you can meet new people. In the meantime, you can always share and find advice or support on this forum.

It sounds like you could be experiencing some depression. Have you ever seen a doctor about this? It might be worth considering, as you might be able to find treatment methods which can help you like therapy or medication.

I hope you can feel a bit better soon. Stay safe. Sending hugs *brohug.
 
#5
Dear all,
Thank you for your kind replies. Ive been on antidepressants for over 30yrs. Its a genetic predisposition passed down from my mum. But these days they hardly scrape the surface. And as grief isn't a mental illness it doesn't surprise me that they give very little relief.
Geoff x
 

1964dodge

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#6
i'm so sorry for your loss @Geoff999 . when you live with someone for so many years eventually one spouse dies. what you need to do is consider what your wife would want. i think she would want you to live out the rest of your life with as much joy as possible.

your kids would be devastated if you passed also and if they learned it was suicide they would never recover. you have more time left so make the best of it. spend time with your kids and grandchildren if you have any. just curious have you considered moving in with one of the kids or having them move home? i know you're grieving but please hold on. if you want to talk feel free to inbox me...mike...*hug*shake
 

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