my life is endless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shidoshi, May 17, 2011.

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  1. shidoshi

    shidoshi Member

    hi

    i,ve been feeling suicidal for years now.
    i went doctors because it got too much in january,
    he put me on tablets then when i went back after the course of the tablets i felt alot better , i think mainly because my wife found out i was depressed.

    however i feel worse than ever now, and all i do is daydream about how i will end my life.

    the dream is always the same i will die 1 of 2 ways.

    1. it will be a sunny day i will buy a bottle of whiskey (i only ever drink a few cans at xmas im not a drinker) i will drink enough to i dunno give me courage then throw myself off a bridge near me.

    2. i will get a kitchen knife and stab myself, but pretend i slipped and fell and it stabbed into me (wont look so bad if and i hope it does kill me)

    the reasons i feel like i do is simply im a failure.

    im 38 years old married with 1 daughter age 13.

    i met my with on my 18th birthday we married just after my 21st.

    ever since i can remember i,ve felt inside like this.

    i never listened in school and i regret that the most now ( i have,nt worked for 13 years since the birth of our daughter)
    all my life i have felt useless and a burden.

    im crap at spelling i cant add up very well, you may have noticed i dont use full stops correctly or commas.

    i never paid attention in school (it all stems from back then)

    i,ve put soo much weight on i cant even stand to look at myself in the mirror i get unchanged with the light off.
    i feel like shit all the time,

    my mum always has told me i was a mistake.
    it does,nt bother me i just wish they had got rid of me.

    im sorry if this is long and mumbled theres so much i want to get of my chest im a complete mess.

    i had a dream the other night i actually went to my hospital to say im suicidal and want locking up, however i see myself outside not going in because i suffer from really loud snoring and im embarrased just incase they put me in a room with others, i dont want to keep them awake.

    i,ve gave up bothering to find work as who would take on someone who has,nt worked for 13 years, and besides that how would i explain 13 years of nothing.

    see now its all clear to me i dont need to explain, i just need to end my pain.
    im soo sorry im crying like a baby reading this back i feel like such a let down.
     
  2. shidoshi

    shidoshi Member

    10 views no comments?
     
  3. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Its very difficult to find something helpful to say which may be why people have viewed your post and not answered. Im so sorry you are feeling so terrible but let me assure you you are not alone. Are you still taking your tablets ? Its not usually a good idea to stop them after a couple of months most sensible gps will reccomend at least 6 to 12 months of treatment even if you are feeling better. You say you have felt like this as long as you can remember ...its very possible you have always had some kind of depression. All these thoughts and feelings you are having are very usual in depression and i cant emphasise strongly enough how medication is a key part of the recovery in this case. I also think that you should ask to see a counsellor as it would help you to realise the rooy of your negative feelings about yourself. I know this is a bit of a long answer but i think that its the least i can do since you bravely posted here.
    I know its very hard to believe but once the depression lifts you will be able to enjoy things again ..your daughter your life and you will look back on this and know that you overcame it! anytime you need to talk my pm box is open !
     
  4. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Tbh ay least you have wife and kids.they love you.
    Go look for work.stop sitting round thinking too much.
    Most of your problem is you have too much time to think.youre prob depressed too.
    Im single.id kill to have kids.im totally alone.
    I think you could be lot worse off
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun you medication may need adjusting some okay some people cannot come off the antidepressant and if you have taken them awhile they may need to be increase or even changed.

    The meds work you know that now so go to doc okay get things changed up a bit and get feeling better hugs
     
  6. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    i wonder how much this has to do with how you have always felt like this. if it doesnt bother you, you wouldnt have mentioned it. maybe talk to your doc and get a referral to a psych or therapist and get to the bottom of why you have always felt bad. do you want to hurt your 13yr old daughter, she is at the age now more than ever, she needs you and her mum...go to your doc...get meds sorted and therapy, dont give up. even if you do some voluntary work, lots of charities always looking out for volunteers, just to give you some self esteem back and that will help in looking for paid employment.

    :hug:
     
  7. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    If my life was endless I would insist that everyone I speak with refer to me as "The Immortal."

    Joking aside, you're talking as though you've accomplished nothing. You have a wife and a daughter, which is something a lot of people REALLY wish they had. And I don't mean to guilt-trip you, but do you really want your daughter to grow up without a father?

    Have you been to college? If not, I'd seriously consider it. It will improve your job prospects and I guarantee it will pull you out of your rut.

    I know you said you didn't do so well in school because you didn't pay attention. Well, sign up for some classes at a community college and pay attention this time. It's cheap and you'll have options for financial aid if you need it.

    Oh, and if your mom is giving you crap then just don't talk to her. In fact, don't talk to anyone who's feeding you negative energy.
     
  8. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    I would second the education.College itslef ,maybe not .I mean college doesnt help everyone.I have actually found ,that people who do courses like further education ,I dont know in your country ,do well
    i went to college for three years and never got a job from it ,am i a loser prob.
    yeah Im always on about me ,yeah yeah
    seriously though courses in a specific subject shows the employer that youre keen,tell them you couldnt go to uni cos of the kids ,they will love you ,
    plus these courses ,a donkey cold do most of them
    :hamtaro:
     
  9. *kyle*

    *kyle* Well-Known Member

    if you have a wife and daughter thats a huge achievment.
    and i wouldnt worrie about not being good at math or haveing good gramma,
    im a dumb ass haha and i wouldnt go with the stabbing urself thing that would
    hurt like hell an you aint no samuri. best thing to keep in mind is the only
    one who keeps calling ur life a failure is you and ofcourse you can base that on the little piss screw ups but its the big accomplishments that hammer them down, one thing in my life i wonna do before i go down in flames is to get married and have a kid, ur living the dream cowboy.
     
  10. shidoshi

    shidoshi Member

    well today i asked my wife to make me a doctors appointment.

    she said what for i told her i wanted tablets and help again.

    then and this is the kicker, she told me i CANT be depressed if i was then shes having a nervous breakdown.

    i cryed out for help and she thinks im faking it or im not i,ll.

    well i guess enough is enough i will prove to her how i,ll i really am.

    i have wrote her a goodbye letter and in the midst of writing my daughter one.
    then i,ll write my mum + dads
    then my 2 brothers and my sister.
    i,m planning a nice fews days ahead and
    then im going to jump off tamar bridge and end my wasteless life.

    im so hurt so thinks of me like that.

    i thank you all for your words and msg,s xxx
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You call the doctor and get help YOU do it because your wife is not well either she is stressed out it seems. You do what is right for you and your family you get help you are in charge of your life so take control call the doctor yourself and get on meds and get better. YOu children you will destroy their lives if you go ahead with this plan. You will sentence them to a life of sadness and all you have to do is call the doctor yourself without even telling your wife.
    You can get better you can heal for the sake of your children and your wife do it get help now.
    YOU take charge okay your wife does not have that strength right now.
     
  12. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    Do not do that. Go to a therapist... now. You don't even need to discuss it with your wife.

    Don't leave your wife and daughter without a husband and father.

    When I was young my uncle killed himself. He had a daughter. Before he died she had a cute, bubbly personality. After he died she became sad, quiet and withdrawn. Don't do that to your daughter.

    Depression is something that can be treated. You can get yourself out of the rut you're in. No matter how hopeless everything seems, you can do something about it. Your feelings are temporary and if you go talk to someone about your problems then you'll find out how true that really is.

    You mentioned the Tamar Bridge. Are you in the UK? Call this number and tell whoever responds what's going on: 08457 90 90 90.

    Please post here again or PM me right when you read this. I'm really concerned and I want to know that you're OK. I'm serious.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2011
  13. shidoshi

    shidoshi Member

    hi yes i live in the uk.

    its really weird i,ve woke up today and feel abit better like i want someone to help.
    i will see what the next few days bring.

    thanks for all your kind words it does help a bit getting the crap off my chest.

    and the last thing in the world i want to do is hurt the two most important people in my life.

    however it just gets too much and the more it continues the worst i become.

    i,ve read about a man who jumped off tamar bridge and all the people calling him a coward for doing it and how sellfish he was.

    i envy him its takes alot of courage to do that and no one could know how much pain he must have been in.

    anyway before i bring myself downand spoil today im going to get a nice cuppa tea and go for a walk hope to clear my head.

    thanks again for all the nice mgs, it does mean alot thank you all
     
  14. *kyle*

    *kyle* Well-Known Member

    dont give up so easy, she probley doesnt know how to deal with that sort of thing, its not easy, i told my friends last night i stood on a bridge this week, they laughed and changed the subject. its hard to answer a cry from another world, even now im thinking so hard on what to say to you. there must be someone else you can ask to help you see a doctor. a friend? your parents?, consider every option, your not fighting hard enough, theres alot at stake here and too much to throw away. dont give up yet, hang in there.
    im on this site every night so please feel free to talk to me about anything, you wont be ignored, we live in this world together and together we survive.
     
  15. shidoshi

    shidoshi Member

    thanks kyle.

    no i got no one i would want to burden my crap on tbh.

    i cant tell my mum or dad

    my mum a few years back got breast cancer and had a breast removed shes fine now,

    my dad was then diagnosed with 3 cancers, throat cancer, bowl cancer, and lung cancer,
    hes had a lung removed and its on a peg feed for the rest of his life.

    so i cant tell them.

    my brothers and sister i dont really talk to we aint a close family even though we all live 5mins from each other funny enough.

    so im left pretty much alone how sad is my life eh.

    but again thnx for all the msg,s
     
  16. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    Well, you shouldn't feel like you're burdening the people you love with your thoughts. They're there to support you, just as you would support them if they were going through an emotional crisis. Even so, you don't need to go to them. Just go to someone. There are professionals that help people through things like this and it's their job to help you learn to bear the burden and move past it. Is your wife still reluctant to talk to you about all this?

    Also, I'm glad that you're feeling at least a bit better! But don't think that's reason enough to skip finding some sort of help. And keep in mind... we might just be strangers on the internet, but we're all real people here and we're all here to help each other out in any way that we can. You can always talk to us about whatever it is that's going on.
     
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