hi i,ve been feeling suicidal for years now. i went doctors because it got too much in january, he put me on tablets then when i went back after the course of the tablets i felt alot better , i think mainly because my wife found out i was depressed. however i feel worse than ever now, and all i do is daydream about how i will end my life. the dream is always the same i will die 1 of 2 ways. 1. it will be a sunny day i will buy a bottle of whiskey (i only ever drink a few cans at xmas im not a drinker) i will drink enough to i dunno give me courage then throw myself off a bridge near me. 2. i will get a kitchen knife and stab myself, but pretend i slipped and fell and it stabbed into me (wont look so bad if and i hope it does kill me) the reasons i feel like i do is simply im a failure. im 38 years old married with 1 daughter age 13. i met my with on my 18th birthday we married just after my 21st. ever since i can remember i,ve felt inside like this. i never listened in school and i regret that the most now ( i have,nt worked for 13 years since the birth of our daughter) all my life i have felt useless and a burden. im crap at spelling i cant add up very well, you may have noticed i dont use full stops correctly or commas. i never paid attention in school (it all stems from back then) i,ve put soo much weight on i cant even stand to look at myself in the mirror i get unchanged with the light off. i feel like shit all the time, my mum always has told me i was a mistake. it does,nt bother me i just wish they had got rid of me. im sorry if this is long and mumbled theres so much i want to get of my chest im a complete mess. i had a dream the other night i actually went to my hospital to say im suicidal and want locking up, however i see myself outside not going in because i suffer from really loud snoring and im embarrased just incase they put me in a room with others, i dont want to keep them awake. i,ve gave up bothering to find work as who would take on someone who has,nt worked for 13 years, and besides that how would i explain 13 years of nothing. see now its all clear to me i dont need to explain, i just need to end my pain. im soo sorry im crying like a baby reading this back i feel like such a let down.