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My life is falling apart

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by the dead girl, Aug 3, 2014.

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  1. the dead girl

    the dead girl Member

    I think I am having depression for almost a year. I also have social anxiety all my life. I have never been to psychologist.
    I have no money (my parents don't even care, they don't give me any money, they don't work nothing) so I can't even go out with friends. I am still on college so I don't have time to work, and also it is very hard to find a job because I'm shy and have no experience in any job. Also they always tell me what to do, who to go out with even though I have 22 years, so I have to lie to them when I go out with someone they don't like. I also have to hide from them that I am lesbian. I think I will never graduate,because with my state now I can't even study. I started drinking more often and every time I fell even worse than before.
    One girl I really like (we kissed once) is ignoring me and doesn't like me and I can't stop thinking of her, I think I'm going crazy. This lasts very long time for over a year :( She always rejected all my invitations to go somewhere,and now we are in no contact at all.
    My life is falling apart on every side, I just don't see exit from this situation. <Mod Edit:Methods> I would be already dead. Only thing that is stopping me from killing myself is fear that it will hurt or that I will survive.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome, I have edited your post as it contained suicide methods, which are forbidden here. Please read the guidelines before posting again.

    I really am sorry you are feeling so low. Have you tried applying for jobs in fast food? That way it wouldn't matter if you were shy and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't need experience. One thing struck me when reading your post you say you are drinking more often, this is not meant to sound in any way mean, but wouldn't the money for drink be better spent getting the help you need? I would advise you to remain in college if you can. It would certainly give you a better chance of having a bright and promising future.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2014
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Girl,

    Sorry to hear you are low at the moment. Life can be tough and especially with sexuality issues. I am in no way trying to cause offence but admire your post in the way you reach out for help. Love can be hard but do not let one person let you down. I strongly suggest you find a support group where you can meet people who have similar issues. The support you get will be amazing and you will find comfort from the group. Another thing to see is to research if there any helplines who can help you. If I have offended then please accept apologies, I think it's a difficult subject to reply to. You are young and remember that. You have the whole of your life to live and you deserve all the support in your current crisis.

    Remember to keep posting for the support and care of the group. Please DO NOT DO ANYTHING. Take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2014
  4. the dead girl

    the dead girl Member

    Thank you for replies. I know i shouldn't spend my last money on drink but i can't stop it, i drink maybe once a week,and then I am suicidal whole next day :( Today I'm just lying on couch all day and crying,I don't have will to do anything,I am so empty :( I am so lonely... I have friends but I didn't have real gf for 3 years, even when some girl likes me my anxiety ruins all
  5. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I think you have about half of the battle down. The nature of life is that it falls apart and everything fails, sooner or later, and this fate is everyone's, no matter how swell and good their lives may look to those on the outside. There is indeed no escape.

    Yet somehow, in spite of this grim thing overhead, most people do manage to live their lives out and acquit themselves reasonably well. There is an angel of sorts that we have in us, called hope.

    I hope you feel welcome here. You always deserve the best in life.

    Since I'm not a counselor, I can only recommend that you try to see one, or talk to your doctor, if you haven't done this yet.

    Loss of romance and unemployability are common problems that counselors and doctors can often see. It seems funny that doctors might be involved with a job situation, yet really, not having a job can affect physical health. While a doctor can't get you a job, they may have things, perhaps medicines, to help with the powerful emotional changes that attend looking for work. But anyway, thoughts of suicide are a warning signal, and there is no shame in asking a professional about it.

    Best luck and best wishes to you.
  6. the dead girl

    the dead girl Member

    I didn't go to doctor because of two reasons - I don't have money and I think I couldn't tell them half of things that are on my mind. I would only go to get prescription for medications, because I think my depression will only go further, it just gets worse :( Thank you really for all replys, it means a lot, cause I can't talk to anyone about this :(
  7. Empoisonner

    Empoisonner Member

    Well, assuming you live in the states, considering the financial situation I am pretty sure you would be eligible for government healthcare in some form

    I would recommend jobs where talking to people isn't a highlight, like dishwashing, stocking, stuff that is more labor oriented.

    The thing about doctors is that you have to tell them what is going on or they cannot do anything.
    And I have yet to meet a doctor who just throws you into inpatient instantly.
    I mean, I admitted to feelings of wanting to blow up buildings back in the day and they simply prescribed me medication in conjunction with talking me through ways to manage how I feel and learn how to cope with social anxiety without fighting everyone I meet tooth and nail.

    If you need anyone to talk to about anything I am right here. :) take care sweetheart, I promise we will all get through this.
  8. the dead girl

    the dead girl Member

    I don't live in states, I live in lamest possible country run by thieves where people don't have money and can't find jobs. I don't even have health insurance at the moment. And I don't think I could tell any of doctors that I am gay :( Thank you so much,it really means a lot.. Btw I'm feeling little better today (just a little) but I know it will come again to me,as always.
  9. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    It is possible to see a doctor without insurance, anywhere in the parts of the world where Internet exists. You can shoot down suggestions offered here to go see a doctor, and not do so, if you wish. That is of course your right, and as practical matter, no one on the other side of the Internet wire can do anything either against or for you.

    But people do log on here seeking support or help of the limited kind you can get online. Do keep that in mind. It takes time to answer someone's posts, and a person answering you must ignore someone else.

    Best wishes. You deserve the best in life.

  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You say you are in college well i know most colleges have support groups for people that have sexual differences see if there is a group in your college where people meet and help each other ok it does help to talk to someone who can understand what you are going through.
  11. the dead girl

    the dead girl Member

    i would like to see doctor, but as i said i dont have money to pay psychologist, or drugs he prescribes me.. I don't think my college has gay support group,because my country is not so much gay friendly (and honestly that is not my main problem right now..im mostly suicidal because of no money and because of that girl i mentioned in first post..).I will try to find some job in september after my exam to october because that is when my classes start (1st october) but if i dont manage i think my depression will get a lot worse. Thank you for your answers,i appreciete it. @hatshepsut you don't have to answer me if you don't want to. I also read other people's threads but obviously i dont know what would i say to them to be supportive, because currently my though s are very black. I hope ill have better days so i can also help others on this forum.
  12. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I'm not angry or upset with you :). I've learned the hard way. Things don't get better until you act. Prozac costs 12 cents a capsule, and a general practice or clinic can prescribe it. No guarantee, but it may help you feel better if you are depressed.

    Best wishes. :butterfly4:
  13. the dead girl

    the dead girl Member

    ME again... I was a little bit better for last month...but last two days I think I am even worse than last time I opened this thread :( My college is starting in 10 days, and I still haven't make any money and I cant find job now because I wont be able to fit it with my college classes :( So basically I will be moneyless for next 9 months, and wont be able to go anywhere...I am sick of wearing same clothes for last 5 years or more, I am sick of myself :( My parents don't even care, I was studying really hard and passed an exam in September so they don't have to pay a lot of money and they didn't give me any reward for that.. I think that they want me to be unhappy and to be home all the time. Also this year I think I wont know anyone in my group so I think I will be pretty lonely... I just don't know what to do anymore :( I am just crying last 2 days
  14. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    Hi, although you are feeling down, you are somewhat clear as to what are the most important problems right now. The problems which are causing you the most pain are telling you that you need more resources to deal with them and at present you don't seem to be ready to reach out to get them. This is similar to what I have been dealing with for a long time.

    The most important goals or rewards would be to obtain a steady source of income for you to survive as a person and a peace of mind from dark thoughts. If there is nothing much you can do now to improve your situation, then the only way for you is to accept it as it is.

    When you accept wholeheartedly you are absolutely powerless to change something to your desired outcome, sometimes it would make one feel a lot calmer. When your mind is less disturbed and confused, you will see at least one thing useful you can do about your current situation. This is one way you can help yourself with your current financial situation.

    Take care.
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