my life is hopeless

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MMPW, Oct 9, 2012.

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  1. MMPW

    MMPW Member

    Im new here and plus im russian so ignore my poor english. Im a girl, 20 and i never thought i would end up posting something like that on a forum like this. I may seem like a normal happy girl, i try to look like someone who is enjoying their life. thats far from the truth. about 2 years ago i had a very bad depression that lasted 6 months, i wanted to kill myself. but then i went to a university and it was gone. well i still had some bad thoughts but it wasnt severe. 5 months ago i met one awesome dude on the internet and he made me the happiest ive ever been. he was from america, im from russia. we used to chat on skype everyday for 3-4 hours. a week ago he went to new york to a family reunion and hasnt come back yet. i have a strong feeling he is not going to. thus im back to where i was before, nobody loves me (mom doesnt count). honestly that was the farthest ive ever gone in a relationship, so i dont even know what to do now. im an art student and im quite satisfied with my school, but as to my love life - its a disaster. i know its not the worst situation ever, but thats the thing - everybody thinks im ok but i dont know how to live anymore. if there was a button on my body that would stop my existence i would have pressed it years ago and i wouldnt regret it at all. i cant kill myself because i cant let anyone know im weak and because im afraid of pain. i just dont know how to break this circle, i felt like i had to do something so i wrote this, maybe one of you guys know what the solution for me is. if i keep living my life like now i will slowly go mad. please, help
     
  2. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    :hug: are you seeing a professional? Are you on medication? Seeking professional help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you want help :hug:
     
  3. MMPW

    MMPW Member

    no im not, i tried medication it didnt help. also i think if you try it and it helps you can get addicted to it. i want my problems to be solved naturally
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Therapy a councillor at your school all natural help to assist you in moving forward in your life. Have you tired joining different acitivities that you like where you can meet people that have same interest. You can connect that way hun
     
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    *hugs* I'm sorry you're feeling insecure, but don't feel ashamed, you're human and that is completely normal to feel like that..you love him and it shows...but guys aren't very communicative, I'm sure he'll come back and that he loves you but just hasn't had the time or thought of calling you or telling you not to worry....can you call him? maybe ask him when he's coming back, that you miss him and he's in your thoughts...that could reassure you and make you feel better?
     
  6. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    not all meds are addictive...meds are like crutches...they help you walk but eventually you won't need them anymore...with a psychiatrist, he can help you with them and when it's time to remove them, he knows how to do it in a way that is natural and painless...
     
  7. MMPW

    MMPW Member

    i study at an academy of arts where pretty much everybody has the same interests as me. people are very artsy, they appreciate good movies and music, they like talking about weird things and dont care if someone thinks they are weird. i love it, i love my group.
    i dont want any "professional" help, i met a few so called "psychiatrists" - elderly women who had no idea what i was going through, they asked me stupid questions like "do you hear any voices" and they wanted me to draw my family. like wth? i dont need this, i just want someone who understands me, someone i can talk to
     
  8. MMPW

    MMPW Member

    i cant call him, i dont know his number. how do you even imagine this, im from another country. we are not friends on facebook, only thread was skype. he knows perfectly well that i miss him, i would always say that when we didnt get to chat for a day or two. i thought everything was just fine before he went to that stupid reunion, but apparently he met his ex wife there and... i thought he was done with her
     
  9. MMPW

    MMPW Member

    i dont mean addicted physically, i mean it would become a panacea for you. maybe i dont understand something
     
  10. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    psychiatrist aren't very good at the talking, they are prescribers of meds only...they want to cure fast...but a therapist or a social worker is there to talk, they let you talk and get everything you need out...they can also offer an alternative view of things...I had a therapist that I am friends with now....and I have an "intervenant"(sorry i don't know the word in english) and we talk every two weeks for an hour...

    that is pretty cool you are at an art academy :) I do alot of art but don't go to school for it though I would have liked to....

    oh...I'm sorry about the guy...that sucks...

    I've been taking meds for a few years and now I'm feeling better than ever...like I'm really healing and soon I could be able to reduce my meds and eventually have them removed...that's what I meant by what I said...sorry if I confused you...
     
  11. MMPW

    MMPW Member

    well if thats the only way - a therapist, i guess i can try it. but its gonna cost a lot of money, and im a poor student. i was saving up for something really cool... why can you only find a good listener for money? im sure there are some smart people on here who know what i need, no? i mean, thats the point of this forum.
     
  12. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    sure :) I'm sure you can find a good friend on here....that's what the forum is for...I was just voicing my opinion and knowledge, you don't have to do it if you can't or don't feel comfortable to. Follow your heart and your instinct.....that's always the best bet
     
  13. MMPW

    MMPW Member

    thanks i kinda feel alittle better but still very very depressed. i cried so much today that im wondering how it is even possible to have so many tears. i forced myself to go to school today and it was horrible, i was feeling continuous cold waves going through my body, i felt like was gonna throw up. the worst thing in all this is when you forget about it for a short period of time but then remember again and you feel so miserable...
     
  14. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    aww I'm sorry, yeah I know what you mean...for the moment you forget all is good but then something reminds you and you fall back again...I'm sorry it wasn't a good day at school...maybe tomorrow will get better? you seem to like school before so maybe it was just a bad today but better tomorrow?
     
  15. MMPW

    MMPW Member

    omf he is back and acting like nothing happened. i feel like everything went back to normal, but is it ok that my life depends on that egoistic asshole? i definitely need help, cuz if something like that happens again i might kill myself. at least he didnt dump me without a single word of explanation. faith in humanity restored:)
     
  16. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I'm glad for you that he's back :) but you're right your life shouldn't depend on him...maybe explore why you hold on to him for life and try and find something else....I know it's hard though...but take your time...
     
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