My life is in his hands, he doesn't even know it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by A_pixie, Jan 28, 2008.

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  1. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Not a day goes by that I don't want to kill myself. I want this hurt to be over. I'm 21 and I hate everything about my life. I lost my job so I'm left to my own thoughts too much. I lost my boyfriend of a year due to a stupid argument. He says he is not in love with me anymore because of a stupid, stupid argument and he is in my opinion, over reacting and not giving me the second chance I deserve. I bought him a £369 guitar because he was feeling depressed one day and now he is selling it! has he no heart?? I worked hard to get him that! If it wasn't for me he wouldn't be in his "oh-so-important" band seeing I bought all of his fucking equipment!!!

    My sister stopped speaking to me and my Dad and we don't know why. She is 16 and stopped talking when she was about 10. Six years of living in the same house and all she does it hurl abuse at me. I'm on suicide watch, my Mum is afraid to leave me on my own because I am so, so broken up about my relationship, and insists I stay in her room, but my sister finds stupid reasons for my Mum to come out of the room. She knows about my self harm and makes fun of me for it, and I believe she keeps trying to take my Mum away from me so that I'll hurt myself. She called my Mum out to make her bed and kept trying to keep her in the room asking silly questions. My Mum shouted "Louise is ill she could kill herself she's so depressed" and my sister said "That's not my problem my bed needs making"


    My boyfriend doesn't know I am so ill, I let him think I'm having a good time so that he will remember the fun me and want me back. I want him to miss me so I won't call him. I will do anything to have him back and he has no idea my life is in his hands. If I can't have him back I simply don't want a life, despite his faults, he was the only thing that made me happy and now he is gone I don't want to live. I don't want my life if it will be without him.

    I nearly popped a vein last week, I cut all the time and will probably get the courage to go all the way, I'm already taking more Prozac than I should and it is such a comfort to think I have these pills that could kill me if I took too many.

    I don't want to die but I can't live without him. It's getting close now, I need help.

    Please respond someone I need help so badly.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Have you spoken with your doctor about your feelings? Maybe an adjustment of meds is needed. I know breakups are a hard thing to deal with, but don't let it be the deciding factor of life or death. You can continue on without him. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but as time goes on the hurt will lessen. Let him sell the guitar. You said it was a stupid argument. Why does he want to sell it? Does he no longer have a use for it? Does he want to use the money to upgrade? There are many factors that come in to play here.

    Your sister sounds as if she needs some attention too. Maybe she feels neglected as your mom is spending so much time trying to keep you safe. Her problems are manifesting themselves in a different way than yours. Try to understand. Don't see her as competition.

    You have taken a big step in posting here and sharing with us. i hope you are able to find the support you need. We are here for you. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  3. aloner

    aloner Active Member

    Your life is in YOUR hands and YOU don't even know it. No one will really be able to help you unless you help yourself. Not your mom or your boyfriend or even a "trained professional." You have to do it. It's a hard truth to learn but you must realize it in order to feel better.

    Hang in there. Maybe it is time to give up on that boy if he says he doesn't love you anymore. I know it sucks. I have wanted to kill myself over broken relationships too. I even tried one time and it was the worst experience I ever had. In the end it just isn't worth it. It won't bring him back to you and in time you probably won't even want him back anyway. If, as you put it, "one stupid argument" put an end to what you had then it was not meant to be anyway. Deep down you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

    Trust me, you are strong enough to make it through this. Everything in life is temporary, including life itself, so remember that and make the best of it.
  4. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I just can't picture my life without him. He was the only thing that made me happy and now that he's gone, I have nothing. I will always want to be with him, I know that deep down. I'm not sure why he's selling something I gave to him out of love, maybe he just needs the money but I'm very hurt. He hasn't even had the decency to tell me, I found out by going on a website we both use and saw it advertised!

    It makes me so angry thinking about how much I've helped him and everyone is saying I can do better than him, but people I would otherwise find gorgeous I can't look at. He's the only person I want.

    I put up with so much of his tantrums and incessant complaining, but as soon as I'm not quite up to scratch he sees it as grounds to leave. I just want him to love me again, I'm serious, I do NOT want a life if he's not in it. If he doesn't take me back I'll die.
  5. aloner

    aloner Active Member

    Sorry hun, but you can't just make someone fall for you. Love doesn't work that way. You can't buy it and you can't force it. It either is or it isn't.

    You sound like a very caring person. Please don't die. Live to love another day. It's ok to love anyone as much as you want to for as long as you want to as long as you realize that it doesn't mean they'll love you back. I know you are probably sick of hearing it but you really do deserve better.
  6. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    He did love me once, I think he could again. He's taken a real shock to the system recently, ya see, his ex girlfriend got her friend to call him saying she had killed herself, it turned out to be a cruel joke. I searched the death records and there is no way on earth anyone could have died in that way with the information he gave me. He wishes I hadn't told him and resents the fact that he has been grieving for four years for nothing.

    He says he's just not ready to be in a relationship at the moment, that he loves me but isn't "in love" with me as his mind is all over the place. He said I saved his life once looking after him during bad times. But now he just doesn't see me as that person. But I AM the one he fell in love with. I'm so broken and hurt at the moment because he doesn't know that if he won't take me back he'll go through it all over again.

    I can't go on without him. I'd rather be dead. I want to die right now but there is still a chance he may love me again he even said "never say never" that's the only thing keeping me alive.
  7. aloner

    aloner Active Member

    I guess I won't be the one to tell you that you should give up hope. I will just say that being alive for someone else isn't really living. I know this all too well.

    The only way you'll ever find out is to keep breathing and see what happens.
  8. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    You sound like a really caring person who has a lot of love to give and you are still young. I say dump this fool and find a new fella who will you love the same way back. It may sound a cliche, but you don't kill yourself over a boyfriend not loving you, you are more important than that.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Don't give up hope tinypixie. I think he just needs some space to figure things out. Also, if your relationship with him is truly over, you have to be able to accept that and move on. No one is worth killing yourself over. Also, I think your sister just wants to spend more time with your mother. I don't think she is intentionally trying to be mean.
  10. D3ath

    D3ath Well-Known Member

    I feel im in a very similar situation as your own, only the other way round (me bing male). I know that your hurting really bad :hug: all i can say is dont withdraw yourself from every aspect of life, the only way to survive (Know right now you dont want..but please try to give it a try) is to carry on living, show him what hes missing hun, go out and have fun, hang with friends, go to the movies, go drinking or to a restuarant.

    I know personally withdrawing yourself from the outside world is only going to cause you to reflect on the pain more and more it only going to make things worse. Please give it atleast month and see if things get better. Atleast then if things didnt work you can look back and say you tried then try a different route.

    I can see he means the world to you dont give up hope, you sound like a great person hun dont give it all up just yet.

    Also more to other posters then yourself, no one appreciates some one calling the person their love a "fool" or whatever. Even though it may seem foolish for him to leave a great chick like pixie to us. Lets face it we all have our faults and do things no one understands.

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    sorry for this but i ve the feeling that your sister is a TEEN; jealous one and we all know that sometimes at this age we are attention whores
    she might not realize what shes been doing; or maybe yes she does realize it and that makes her live her teenager years; she might feel alive because of it
    so you probably dont want her to win that one round right

    as for ur bf you mention that hes depressed
    you know like me becaus ewe ve been through it that instable feelings are big when being depressed
    u dont perceive all the hurt or if u perceive it u minimawe it and dont evaluate good all the options you have
    he might be in this kind of things
    killing yourself for him is not going to change anything
    you llend up in a coffin and thats all
    and its not going to make him come back plus the pain that your mom dad sister - yeah i can perfectly see her feeling so much guilt until the end of her life for her abusive behavior-will feel

    you might not see it but you mom is a key support person
    not many ple have mums like that watching over them
    how painful must it be for her to see u like that but she keeps watching you and supporting you

    your bf seems selfish; selfish ple are to be erased
    sometimes the greatest challenges in life are brought to us to make us realize that we escape further relationship abuses
    and hes clearly abusing of the situation
    it will take time
    u can just shout scream talk write but you ll heal somehow
    hang on on the ones who are HERE for you; not the ones who say they love you but dont even fucking show up on crucial life harships
    and your bf is clearly one of this last one im sorry to say that
  12. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I know killing myself would not bring him back but at least it would stop me from missing him so much. I cannot take this for much longer. If I find out he gets another girlfriend and it's not me....I've made up my mind to do it. He thinks I'm having a great time but I'm seriously looking at my life and saying "I don't want this"
  13. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Hi Pixie. It gets better. I know it hurts now, but if he doesn't love you, or is that ungrateful, then he does not deserve you and it was not meant to be. You WILL hurt and you WILL feel sad, but you WILL get over it. The best poetry in the world is written about just that very thing. Your sister is just seeking attention. IMO, she does not think you really want to die and feels like you are taking up all of your Mom's attention. Don't hate her for it. She's just a kid and doesn't know any better. Please don't hurt yourself anymore sweetie. It will get better and your sister will grow up and realize that the world is not all about her. Please hang on :(
  14. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    I'm trying hard...I just really thought this guy was the one. We might get back together, it's hard giving him space though as I don't want some other girl to get her paws on him. Maybe he'll start to miss would be very painful without him.
  15. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    He has just started taking ecstasy....he never did before. He knew I hated drugs and wouldn't do them when he was with me. He was lying on the pavement and had to be taken home by a friend I'm told I'm so worried about him I don't want him to die!!! He hasn't been in contact with me or me with him for weeks now, I'm worried I'm going to get a phone call saying he's overdosed!!!!!

    I don't know how much more of this I can take.
  16. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    yick .. seriously if you're relying on someone or something else to live, you're headed for a breakdown at some point. Obviously you expected someone to behave a certain way and they haven't. People are people. Your expectations may not be his.
    When I lost my religion/faith I thought my world was up, I said a few times I couldn't imagine life without it, and I had a breakdown. It was really hard but I came through the other side and learnt to like myself.
    You must take some responsibility for yourself, it is vitally important, blaming someone else will get you nowhere, unfortunately relationships come and go, but there's no gain in putting someone on a pedestal and saying no one can replace them.

    I hope you find a way for yourself.
  17. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    don't whatever you feel guilty about this, it isn't your fault. I hope he stays safe :hug:
  18. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    If something happens to him I don't know what I'll do...I will KILL whoever gave him those drugs if I find out who did it, I hate those idiotic friends of his, I hate him for being so stupid, I forgive him for selling my guitar, complaining and ranting away....because I love him. I forgive him for everything...

    I love him so much I just want him back. The problem is there is a really nice guy everyone is telling me to go out with. I like him, he likes me, he makes me happy. But should I hang on for this ex? Should I try to rescue him from the drugs and depression? He told me I saved his life once, I stopped him killing himself he said...maybe I should hang on for him in case he needs me.
  19. Veclord

    Veclord Active Member

    Does anyone know where I can find a woman like this? I'm on the USA, east coast, and I want one. Now.

    Point being: If he makes you feel this upset about it then you might as well date me instead. At least you'd have security in the fact that you'd be appreciated for how special you are. And you know what? So would millions and MILLIONS of other guys.

    He's a scumbag and a slacker.

    Can him.
  20. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I know what you feel. I love one girl, and i like to die because i know she will never love me. It hurts me so badly, so a dont want my life. I only live to spend some moments with her, as a friend. Your boyfriend, at least he loved you once, i think that he can again.... I'll give you all my luck to you, because it cant help me...
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