My life is Meaningless to Me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ladygrace, Apr 19, 2016.

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  1. Ladygrace

    Ladygrace Active Member

    Since last year my life has become meaningless to me for many reasons. I don't really visit this site as much as i use to when i really needed to talk as i felt bad that i am trying to help people, yet in the end i can not help myself. For me i guess i am at current rock bottom or very near it with a somewhat lack of emotions apart from Anger and a little bit of sadness.

    Last year i ended up graduating and getting my Bachelors in Information Technology, while this would be an amazing achievement for most people, my feelings were that i failed due to suffering from depression through it all i have forgotten everything i learned and from being so exhausted after 3 years took a big toll on me mentally and physically.

    CBT Therapy started last year after almost a year of trouble trying to get help with mental services here where i live. During the time of trying to get the services i had a few troubles with Attempts at Suicide, self harming, Unable to change P-Doctors and bad case management finally broke me to the point of not caring anymore about anything which has ended up sticking with me until now.

    My Therapy is every 2 weeks now and we talk about many things to try and find the thing that is causing me to be like this. I find myself telling small lies to him as he asks me why do i bother seeing him if i want to die so badly. The truth is just to keep my family and friends happy as they think things are on the upturn for me when in reality it is no where close. Over the years i have found that talking over problems has very very little affect on me in helping in shape or form.

    Medications for me have varied from doing nothing to worse then to somewhat okish, From having bad side affects to not being able to sleep to hearing voices and seeing people. Well the current state of my medications have not been working for along time now and when i ask for a review or a change, i am ignored or saying i haven't given it enough time to kick in. (Been on the same medications for over a year now).

    Motivation, Love and mostly Happiness have evaporated from my life. These make any small task feel huge in size and tire me out rather fast while trying to seem happy and hide behind my mask i put up to not show my true self. Things i use to enjoy, now have become a huge struggle to spend more then 5-10 minutes at a time trying to do or work on to the point i give up or become frustrated. Love has become a fantasy for me, which i have lost interest in wanting to be in a relationship even though there is pressure from many people for me to be in one.

    There are many other things in my life that have shaped me into the person I am today from my very birth, but i will not go through that as atm this very moment i am numb and really emotionless and couldn't care if i live or die as any hope of getting better slips away while knowing a i am going to have a reaak down within the next month at this rate.

    Thank you all. People on SF are wonderful people.

    Here's a Little Bunny
    [​IMG]
     
  2. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    I find it is useful to break up the routine, do something different. Like hiking or paint or cook something you've never cooked before. Rearrange furniture buy a poster for your wall or go somewhere new.
     
  3. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    CBT is about taking action, since talk is not working, then are you taking the necessary action to improve?
     
  4. I like the little bunny☺
     
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