My Life is Over

[yous]

My Life is Over - I knew this from when I was probably about 21, maybe before then. Now I'm 41 and I contemplate suicide everyday. How I live this long is because of all the hopes and dreams I tried to believe could come true but didn't. Now I know all of my hopes and dreams were a mistake. Dreams of having a dream job; being in a happy relationship, or simply just meeting people to make friends always have turned sour. I never recalled a lengthy period of time where I could say that I was truly happy. I live in a toxic environment of unchanging misery. I live in a world full to stereotypes, bigot self righteous people who never are selfless. I really can't take it anymore. The solution, the only one I have ever found was to end it all completely. I never thought those who killed themselves did anything wrong. They were right to think about leaving this HELL world behind. I always knew that whatever drove them to take their own life was a better reason than to face and reface and face again the HELL the world puts them through. It's like why stay at a shitty job if you hate it. Quit.

I have tried to see my life from every angle. I know there are a lot of more unfortunate people than me or like me, but at the end of the day, what's the point of fighting anymore. I mean really. You put all your energy, effort, even money to put on a smile for someone else only for them to just forget you. What's really the point anymore?

 

[mismad]

Yeah, sometimes when I want to make someone smile. Then, I'm hurting myself instead.
What I supposed them to do wasn't in their mind. So, we end up arguing a lot

 

[Petal]

I cannot imagine what it must be like for you having to deal with this since you were 21, I think you should really think hard and try to figure something out. Are you seeing a professional such a psychiatrist or therapist? Have you ever had a girlfriend, been able to hold down a job?
Just out of curiosity what were the dreams you had? 41 is not old so maybe you do have the time to turn things around.

 

[Ignis]

Look at yourself spend that money & time for yourself. If it's love problems finding a partner & what not, spending money & time on a the first stranger that comes & shows you romance isn't the good way to do it.

 

[yous]

Job:
What money? I have no job. I spent the last 20 years looking for one. Had only temp to interns that paid little to nothing and all went to debt or bills. I have at least 10 + rejects a week from applying to jobs. So much that it added to my thoughts of suicide.

Friends:
What friends? I spent the last years giving and never had receiving from people. They took advantage of me as well as toyed me and took advantage of me and made fun of me. I thought I could be kind and giving and that would continue people's interest in me, but that never happened. I have no one to turn to.

Doctors:
They are no better than friends. They no little about comforting and supporting. All they know is medicine to experiment on you and to put you in a group setting to talk it out. If they do do a one on one session, they are literally counting the minutes until the 1 hour is over. I feel a waste of my time.

Things have never turned around for me. I spent life dreaming and hoping that life will happen for me. I spent my 20's throwing all my money into college to better my life and education so that I can get noticed. Then when I hit my 30's I thought life was over, but I was resilient to not believe it. I surged to try to network, make friends, go out there...literally go out there and be somebody.

Now that I am in my 40's I am back to where I started. It's as if nothing has happened after high school. I have no friends, no job, no life. What's the point of living it?

 

[Petal]

Friends:
What friends? I spent the last years giving and never had receiving from people. They took advantage of me as well as toyed me and took advantage of me and made fun of me. I thought I could be kind and giving and that would continue people's interest in me, but that never happened. I have no one to turn to.

I am like that too, very giving and too kind for my own good but I don't think its necessarily a bad thing if you can draw a line and say I won't be taken advantage of. Choose your friends wisely and give to those who you know would give back and do the same for you. It's nice to be nice just know where enough is enough!