my life is over

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by notme, Nov 7, 2010.

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  1. notme

    notme Member

    So I lost my job. Not just a job. My entire life. I worked on a cruise ship in hawaii. Was an officer. Had a great life. Was well respected and liked. Had so many friends. I surfed all the time. Worked out every day. Wrote music. Played chess. Read books. Loved the outdoors. Smiled and laughed all time. I worked there for six years. Helped build the ship and sailed it all over the world to hawaii. Everyone I know worked there. It was my entire social life. I lived and worked on it for 6 years. I took xanax my doctor prescribed for a streeful personal situation and wound up having awful side effects. I made a complete fool of myself and was hauled off to a mental institution. I spent 4 days in the ward. Going from work to that place in one second. From one action. I had a 6 figure job and a beautiful home in the hawaiian islands. I have now been fired. Now I can't even pay the electric bill. We are on food stamps. A wife and two kids. My wife is going to leave me. My kids are going to be homeless now. I can't find a job or even get unemployment. That ship was my entire life for six years. My world has been destroyed. All my coworkers and friends think I tried to kill myself at work. It has been six months and I haven't smiled or laughed once since it has happened. It just keeps getting worse. First can't pay the mortgage. Then can't pay the car payments. Now the medical bills. Now my health insurance is gone for my family. Can't even get a job at home depo after what I've done. I'm completely screwed and see no reason to live anymore. Had a great life and I threw it away completely. I'm so depressed and every day I want to die. Doctors don't help. Pills can't bring my life back. Nothing can. All by my own action. From taking stupid xanax. I was a happy fine person. Now I'm living in some nightmare. It seems it will never end. Next stop is the homeless shelter. I wake up screaming no all the time. My life is really finished. Tried church and god. Tried finding peace in nature. All I feel is loss and shame and misery. I really want to die now. I was prior military. A strong and proud man with a good family. I'm so lost and lonely and just completely broken. Going from being an office to a homeless person begging for money is worse than death. I say I will fight on but ther is no escape from this. I want the pain and misery to end now. No hope is the worst thig on earth. No direction and no chance. No money and no life. Really. What is there to live for after you lost everything? Self respect. Family. Employment. Friends. Home. Gone. What's left?
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm really sorry for what you've been through. sounds terrible. i've also been hospitalized, it was a very frightening experience, even though it didn't have the same consequences that your hospitalization did. have you consulted with a lawyer? in many places it is illegal to discriminate because of your mental health condition. you might have a case.

    how old are your children? you cannot be replaced in their lives, i'm sure you know this. you are the most important role model for them and your suicide would devastate them. i know you are in overwhelming pain right now but you don't know what tomorrow holds. could you retrain and seek work in another field? just thinking out loud here.

    thinking of you... and welcome. glad you posted. keep writing, it really helps.
  3. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you've lived a life that I could only dream about. My life has been an embarassment and a total failure. You knew joy and happiness very well at one point, though. Some arent as lucky. We think.. no happiness in the past, why happiness in the future? Don't give up the happy memories, man. Use them as fuel to pull yourself out of the mess your in. You have kids to live for, if nothing else.
  4. notme

    notme Member

    My kids are 5 an 3. What should be great years are now filled with suffering. Having to look at them and feel shame in what I did to their lives is hell. they don't know that daddy failed them yet but they ask why we have to leave our home and where are we going. I don't have an answer. A shelter after we sell everything for food. My wife might take them away. Divorce and back to her family. They are the only reason I still try to find work and haven't gulped down a mouth full of pills.
    I wasn't fired for a mental condition. I was fired for taking meds I should have not had or been on and doing something stupid.
    Being confined in a mental ward was the worst thing in my life I thought. That's nothing compared to being jobless and homeless and going from well to do to complete failure as a father. A husband. And in my career. My license to work in my field has been taken away and as a merchant sailor there are not any areas I can go to. I would work at sears but there not hiring. I have fought on for six months and its only getting worse. Now I understand depression and what misery is. Never really got it before. Don't know what's worse. Having everything and losing it all or never having anything. At least if you don't have it you won't feel the shame and the pain of losing it all. By my own hand is what kills me.
    I sat with a xxxx yesterday and thought all I have to do is drink and it all goes away..... really tempting....
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2010
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm really sorry for the circumstances under which you lost your job. i lost my job in nyc 4 years ago because of an old criminal conviction (i got caught smuggling in my late 20s) - i'm 44 now. because i lost my job i lost my work visa, and my apartment, i felt like i lost my whole life it. friends gone. self-respect gone. all because of one mistake that i'd made years earlier. i had 3 weeks to leave the country.

    i went to ireland where i cried non stop for a whole year. i was so mad at myself for making that one mistake. i couldn't forgive myself. i was so low that i attempted suicide. but i didn't succeed. after that attempt i got help, first a mental health nurse, then a therapist, and a psychiatrist.

    i learned to forgive myself. i was diagnosed as being bipolar, and got on meds. i learned that while i can't change the past i still have a say in my future. i hope you can forgive yourself, too. you made a mistake. it's that simple. it had terrible consequences but it was a mistake. please put the pills away and consider getting some help. your family will miss you terribly. they will always wonder if there was something they could have done, something they could have said. your kids need you. i imagine you are scared about the future. imagine how scared they are. you can help them through this difficult time, but maybe you also need someone to help you, too. nothing wrong with asking for help to get through this. thinking of you,

  6. jimmy88

    jimmy88 Well-Known Member

    Hopelessness is the worst feeling in the world no matter how you arrive there, really... not making light of your situation. I too know what its like to royally screw up one's life with no one to blame but yourself. It's amazing how one stupid decision can totally alter your reality, eh? It's logical enough looking from the outside in, but to experience it first hand is mind boggling.
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Do you know whether you have an actual mental health issue or are you suffering from reactive depression?. (Which is also a mental health issue but not quite the same as clinical depression or bi polar etc) What treatment are you receiving at the moment? Have you considered that you might be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress?
    Your situation is bad, but not so bad that you need to commit suicide. I know that you feel that you've let your children down but what's happened so far is nothing in comparison to what you'll do to them if you kill yourself.
    I also want you to think of another angle. Your wife is just as responsible for your children as you are. It's not all down to you. Yes, you screwed up, but we all screw up once in a while. Sometimes it makes us into stronger people though it's not easy to see that whilst you're in the middle of it.
    You've lost one career but fortunately there's more than one career in the world. At the moment you're too ill to be thinking about it, you should just be thinking of getting well. When you feel a bit better, you can start working out your skill sets and looking for other options. The time for that isn't now though. Right now your only priority is to get well. You owe it to your children to make the effort.
    Try to be strong, and go and get some help from the doctor. Read up on everything about your condition. The more you know, the easier it will be to deal with things. Take one day at a time. x
  8. notme

    notme Member

    Let me begin by saying thank you all for the words. There are many truths to what each of you has said. I have been so upset at my own loss that I have not even noticed the world around me for the last six months. I've spent week after week pacing around the house trying to figure out the next move. Everything I used to enjoy only reminds me of the life I threw away. I have sent out hundreds of resumes. I have talked to doctors (if I wanted any chance to get my papers back to work in my field again it was required) and a pastor. It does no good. What is talk. I believe in being a man of action. Of fighting for what you want in life. I have never had a mental condition. Like I said I was in the military and then an officer in the merchant marines. I always though I was a strong person both mentally and physically. Now I rage at the top of my lungs. I go between bitter anger and feeling broken. Every time I stand up to fight off the feeling of depression and say I will not give up I am thrown back down by what has happened. I did not burn a bridge. I blew it the hell out of this planet. I did not lose a friend. I lost my entire social life and all my professional connections. I've never been a woe is me kind of person. I have never felt sorry for myself for anything. Self pity was something I never would dwell on. I always though if you would want to kill kill yourself. Not talk about killing yourself. Now I see its not so black and white.

    I have always believed you work hard and strive for your best. Set goals. Never quit. Never live in the past. I don't have a facebook or myspace. Never even posted a thing online before. I lived in the moment and looked only to the future. Now all I see is the past and what should be but is not. So this is my greatest fall. I have gone as low as is possible. I have lost everything. It is not liberating or free. It is empty. The anger does not fade though and the fact that everyone I know thinks I tried to kill myself is beyond words. To hear sympathy in my friends and my former coworkers voice when they speak to me is rotten. Like the Big Lebowski said "F@!k sympathy. I don't want your f@!$ing sympathy...I want my f@!#ing johnson." What so you need that for dude....
    For some reason it is not bad hearing it from strangers though. It is almost comforting.

    I did not know what to expect when posting here. It is nice to hear words of encouragement from you. I thank you for that and for responding. It was kind of a last stop off point for me and I am glad I did it. The internet has now become my home. Looking for work. Looking at these sites. I needed an outside perspective and to hear others stories so I do not feel so isolated.

    I always thought the world is what you make it and it does not move by feelings. Being a man is making your own way and standing on your own legs. There is no time for healing or feelings while you are fighting for survival. It seems time is an enemy now and that the race is almost completely lost.

    The doctor did say it was PTSD and major depression with psyco features. They put me on 4 different meds at the same time. 4 meds for someone who boxed and worked out 6 days a week and was running 8 miles a day. I stopped taking all the pills cold turkey after two months. Seroquel. Zoloft. Abilify. Zyprexa. What nightmare it was coming off those. My mind is at least clear again. I would rather suffer major depression than be on those pills again.

    Thank you again for those that reply. It did do something. Good luck to all the lost souls on this site who want a better way of life. If you get it don't throw it away like I did or you will be right back here wondering how it all happened.
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i was on zyprexa at one point, too. yuck. horrible side effects. you must be glad to be off it. medications don't seem to be working for you, have you considered counselling? just wondering.

    even though you are new online i'm glad you found this site. you will find alot of support here, even though we are all strangers. keep hanging on. i believe it's the depression that is causing these suicidal thoughts. you can survive them, but you might have to try new things. this is the real fight, surviving depression. i know you can do it.
  10. notme

    notme Member

    I did try counsling. Did not see any point to it. They just want to put me on meds and ask how I feel. Tell me about your childhood? Tell me what your thinking? Try to forget and stop thinking about what happened and move forward? Try to let go?

    Easy to say from a chair sitting across from me Doc. I told her she is not the one who has to wait in line for the food stamps or sit in the welfare office. I could not find anything to say to her beyond I screwed up and ruined my life. There is no getting around it. Thinking my way out of it. Yelling my way out of it. Cursing my way out of it. I am trapped in my own mind and my own mess.

    Sounds like you had a hard time as well. Crying for a year can't be good. Sorry to hear for your pain. You must be doing bettter though if you're still around.

    I lost my Dad and my best friend not so long ago. They both died. I grieved and moved on with life. That's the way it goes. This is a different kind of loss. A loss of my identy and self respect. For some reason it hurts just as bad and will not go away. Time is not healing this wound....only making it harder. The messed up thing is that there was no reason for this to happen. I was doing a great job and was promoted twice. Hardly a moment passes when I do not think about my mistake. What else is there to say. Life will go on but I don't know where I will live or how I will make my living now. Life is hard but its harder when you're stupid. I've made my fair share of mistakes. But this??? Doesn't affect just me. I ruined my wife and my children. They get to grow up with Dad who tried to kill himself while on xanax and won't that be fun to explain to them. That is if my wife stays. She is ready to leave me now and I don't blame her. Can't say I would stick around for me after all the shit I did.

    I keep saying I would never do that. I would not do what I have done. But I did. It was not just a mistake. It was not some bad dream. It was....beyond words. Just doesn't seem real. Like my brain can't accept it. I find it very real though when I was denied unemployment and get letters from the bank about forclosure.

    Feels a little better to write it out. I've never been the pour your guts out type but there is always a first for everything. I just want my life back and no matter what I do that can not happen. This will make me stronger or kill me. It has already killed my spirit and lust for life. And there is no prosthetic for an amputated soul.
  11. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i will keep it short.
    my situation was similar couldnt work in my line of work any longer as i had a breakdown and where i am there is no other line of work for me.
    ive two girs 8 and 7 and i live or am alive for them.
    ive been in bed because of my breakdown for 3 years now and thats because its better off in bed than dead for them.
    ive tried so hard to recover but fail and fail again. all the finacial stuff has be unloaded on my wife who cant cope which make me feel even worse.
    but the situation or pit we are in now is all my fault. so i feel horrid everyday.
    but i keep on breathing and living for my two girls, no matter what they cant take them away from me.
    your family and health comes first everything else is a distant 2nd. i really wish you the best and hope you situation turns around quickly. the best of luck my friend and i will be thinking of you!!!
  12. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Aww.. man.

    This is such a tragic story, and I can't fathom going through what you are going through. With that said, I share your opinion about counseling and how it sometimes seems like they try to push medicine down your throat. Also, the stigma (which I don't agree with and HATE) that results from things like this.. Ahhh.......

    Best of luck is all I can say, and I hope you find what you're looking for (whatever that may be).
  13. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Notme...sounds like the medication was the root of the problem, not you...have you thought about litigating against the drug company? Also, it sounds like you are a loving and caring husband and father...that is not the type of person who would purposely hurt your family...what did you actually do wrong? Take medication prescribed to you...yes, the after effects are horrific, but when does the punishment match the crime? Please PM me if I can help in anyway...have been lost a few times myself and have had to revise my stance on taking help, being comforted and trying (not yet there) to forgive myself...also, continue to tell us what is going on...we are here to listen and really do care...big hugs, J
  14. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    The less real things we do the less self-esteem we have. Our ability to do things in real life is directly proportional to our confidence. That's my opinion. So if you don't do anything then you get rusty and you lose abilities. It's easy to hate ones self when one can't point to any recent accomplishments that're real. So my advice is to do as many real things as is possible in your life. I don't always follow my advice, in fact, I'm probably less real than you're even though you consider yourself to be rock bottom.

    And I know what's like to not want to give children a bad example. I mean, what kind of example am I to a child? My life sucks. I don't want them to grow up thinking that being like me is ok. I'm a failure. Don't grow up like me. I hate myself. I have let down everyone I know and myself. I want kids to be healthy and grow up normally so they have enough ability to be independent and forward looking. So I don't want them to know about me or see me because I'm a bad influence.

    Micheal J Fox recently said that his happiness is inversely proportional to his expectations and is directly proportional to his acceptance. It really stuck with me and I kept it. The issue I have is that if you set your expectations too low, you won't be capable of anything in life and I don't think leads to happiness. I understand the gist of what he's saying though. It was really smart sounding.

    What he says makes sense if you're comparing yourself to people much more able and competent than yourself. If you can't accept who you're, and you work to be something you can't be, then he's right, you won't be happy. The tough part is figuring out what we can be (our expectations) and being able to accept that. It's like that quote everyone has been throwing around for the past thousand years or something. "Lord give me the intelligence to change what I can, to cope with what I cannot, and to know the difference." (roughly)
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2010
  15. notme

    notme Member

    The medication was the root of the problem. It caused me to do something impulsive and have suicidal thoughts. I acted out on them while at work. I was on effexor and ambien and xanax. Going from no medicatio in my life to those three had and terrible affect. I was a confident and determined person. After I came back to reality after the pills wore off and my mind cleared when I got out of the psyc ward I realized the full impact of what I had done and the real depression started in. Now its all dark and black. I can't see beyond the day. I try to see my future and it is blank. There is no vision.

    Thanks again for all the words. It is something. Sorry to hear for everyones grief on here. I have never really known fear like this before. I wasn't affraid when I was in a war zone. This is worse than anything I have known and I feel I could die of it it is so brutal. I have a feeling like when you slam on your breaks before a car crash. That jolt of fear. It just keeps going and going and I've almost become used to it. It is alien to me. All I used to know is laughter and peace.
  16. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You're definitely in a bad place but the good news is that you stand a good chance of coming out of it.
    I'm concerned about the meds issue. Were you being monitored whilst you were on these meds? (I mean by a doctor). If you'd never been on meds like that before then you should have been under some supervision. I don't think that you can be held responsible for what you did whilst under the influence of them, so you may have a case for the courts.
    Yes, this illness is horrific. Truly horrendous to go through and very difficult to describe to other people. You have to educate yourself on every aspect of it if you want to survive it but it is possible to survive it. You know how to fight, so get fighting! You've paid too high a price for what you did so start standing up for yourself. Sending lots of hugs, x
  17. notme

    notme Member

    Yeah...I tried to fight for my job back. Used my union lawyer. No go. Tried to fight for unemployment. No go. Tried to get a lawyer to sue the Doc who gave me all those pills. No go.

    Now I filed a complaint with the EEOC to see if I have a case under the ADA. That's a long shot. I didn't really have a condition until after.

    Good news is I got my license back today after a 6 month period. Got a job offer with a new company. It pays half of what I made though. Anything is better than nothing. Trying hard to save the house. Still might lose it though.

    I might pull through this but life sure will be different. Ill be on ships for 9 months out of the year sailing anywhere in the world. No pleasure boatin. Hard labor at sea.

    I was really at the end of my rope before I got that call today. I have a chance now at something.

    I feel some relief. Its still not locked in yet though. Won't see my family or kids for almost 9 month at a time now. No social life when your out at sea but I don't have one now anyway.

    Thanks again everyone for the support. Hopefully this works and I can get something of a life back and get off welfare. Its hell waiting in the food stamp line and I never want to be in a psyc ward again having people literally drool on me. They weren't manic. They weren't bi polar. They weren't having a bad day. They were crazy. Made me doubt my own sanity. Why they put me in that place I will never know.
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