My life is ruined because of my health

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hurts all the time, Jul 28, 2010.

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  1. Hurts all the time

    Hurts all the time New Member

    I have started to suffer intensely from a form of ocular rosacea 9 months ago. My eyelids hurt TERRIBLY, there are no words to describe the constant TORTURE they put me through. Ever since Spring, it gets worse from day to day. I spend a lot of time scouring the Internet for new means of treatment, and nothing works. Worse, usually it makes my lids hurt a LOT more and it doesn't go back to the day it was. I'm scared to try anything new, and I'm running out of options anyway.

    All the ophtalmologists here tell me there's nothing wrong with my eyes, but in these cases there's often a huge difference between visible symptoms, and the pain perceived by the patient. They are utterly ignorant and don't know anything. I've heard of a great expert in the US, but I have no money to go there.

    I just received my degree in the mail. It was a HUGE challenge to go to school in the last few months, I could barely read and couldn't listen to a thing the teachers say. But now it's useless, my job involves staring at a screen and my lids hurt so much I can't read for more than 20-30 minutes on a computer before the pain gets too much. I can't hold a single job even from home, and typing for long periods hurts my lids.

    The pain is there every waking second and it NEVER subsides. Everywhere I go, no matter what i do, it's THERE, and I can't do anything anymore. I can't watch video, I can't stand places with fluorescent lighting, I can't stand being outside for more than 20-30 minutes, I can't stand social encounters for more than 20-30 minutes... I can do nothing to pass time, I just stay in my room and wait for the day to end. Even having my glasses on hurts my eyelids too much for me to bear.

    My family doesn't want to see me anymore because I have nothing to talk about and I'm an embarassment to them. Right now it's SO hot in my apartment and it's killing my eyes, yet I have nowhere to go so I am forced to bear this horrible environment. There are so many things I can't stand doing because of my eyelids it cannot be put in words.

    I don't have a single friend anymore, and now I depend on welfare to survive. I'm almost 28, and I see my life passing me by, with the lifestyle of a derelict old man waiting to die in his hospice. I have no money to try further treatments and not a single person to talk to. Every day is worse than the last, I can't think straight anymore because the pain overshadows everything. If I didn't have my cat I might have killed myself already.

    I think the fact that I never have any female companionship is even harder on me than the pain. Suffering through this while never talking to anyone is like an horror movie that never ends.

    As long as I'm in this state, I'm an invalid whom no one wants to touch with a 10 foot pole. I don't want anyone's pity, I just want to be able to live a normal life in dignity without having so much pain.
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hang in there my friend. That must be a very lonely feeling to have to suffer like this alone with out any sympathy from your family and friends, and confining yourself to your home, or not being able to study on the computer without pain. It seems that you are in pain no matter where you go. Somethings do go away on there own.
    Make sure you are not making it worse. Sometimes, you may have to stay away from the computer and bright lights until your body heals. Don't put yourself through unnecessary strain. Does sunglasses help in some situation?

    You really should see an eye doctor who is willing to help you. Make sure your environment is comfortable, the lights not too bright, and rest your eyes often. Don't strain your eyes.

    There is help for you out there, just keep looking.
    You are in my thoughts.
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    That sounds like a complete nightmare. I'm really sorry you are suffering so much.
    Another way to go might be to a pain clinic to get some help with managing the pain and mental and physical ways to deal with it? Just thought that might be an option.

    Is there a way to raise the money to get to see the specialist?
  4. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

  5. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hvae you tried chineese and Indian medicine? Try alternative and homeopathic medicine and dont give up. Im praying for you.
  6. Hurts all the time

    Hurts all the time New Member

    I've decided to go to the US see an expert. Transportation is not that expensive with Greyhound. I'll just take the bus at Montreal. It'll cost me a lot for the consultation, but what the hell I'll max out my credit card, I have nothing to lose at this point.

    Basically my problem lies with the glands in my eyelids. Every time you blink, these glands secrete a little bit of oil, to keep the inner eyelids and the eyes lubricated and protect against irritation. But since my lid margins are terribly inflamed, the glands produce far less oil, and the irritation spreads to the rest of my eyelids. It also produces a lot of dry eye as this lack of oil makes my tears evaporate very fast.

    Something produces the irritation to the glands. It could be either allergies, bacteria, or rosacea. This guy will hopefully be able to tell me what it is.

    I'm scared as hell since most drops I try simply backfire on me and it hurts a lot more than it did before. I have a minimal pain treshhold that needs not to be crossed in order for me to remain sane and it's very hard for it to be respected.

    Thanks to those who replied and sent PMs.
  7. Hurts all the time

    Hurts all the time New Member

    Depression seems pretty pathetic in retrospect when compared to a severe physical ailment, especially one that's omnipresent. I suffered from loneliness and isolation before and I could never get a girlfriend but at least I could play a game, do some exercising or watch a movie to get some enjoyment.
  8. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im very sorry you are in such pain. I am praying for you. I hope that your journey yeilds healing and hope!!!!

    Write me,

  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Good for you! That is a great thing to aim for and hold onto. In the mean time, do you have those fake tear things that people can use?
  10. Hurts all the time

    Hurts all the time New Member

    They don't cure me. At this point I've almost tried the majority of all OTC lubricant drops. The biggest problem isn't with the tear production, it's with the irritation and oil production.

    I have one brand of OTC lubricant drop I am able to tolerate and use every day, but its effect is very minimal and it doesn't cure anything.
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