My life is ruined

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by zanaelf, May 17, 2011.

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  1. zanaelf

    zanaelf Member

    I done this poem, since i have attempted suicide a week ago, because of rejection and banned from deviantart , where i had 800 artworks on ... people blocking and rejecting me because I am intersexed etc.. I have had it with life... it does not get better nor do people help... it all started when tigress.deviantart drew inbtersexed characters, i discovered a hidden secret about being mutilated at birth.. and got blocked and rejected from her and it grew worse and worse... having money problems, because my art gallery is shut on deviantart, my exhibition has been cancled because they could not review all my work, only see the stuff on the proposal... my life is ruined...

    The Silent Corner.

    I have been tossed in the silent dark corner,
    The vacuum of space, the coldness of heartlessness.
    The twilight of empathy, the evolution of agony.
    Why ? What did I do ? I make mistakes but why this ?
    I am am different, I was born this way…

    Why the rejection, why the punishment and suffering ?
    The threats and fears, the heartache and agony,
    To the point I attempt to end my life to cure the pain ?
    The suffering and pain, the isolation that always remains.
    A prison of mind, a prison of body, a prison for my consciousness.
    I have worked hard to be true to my consciousness…
    I cant handle rejection because of my clingy genetics...

    The pros of being XXY is we forgive easily..
    We are compassionate, we dont hold grudges for long...
    Make use of our pros rather than cons, stop discriminating please.
    Stop the isolation, rejection and neglect, please.. the more you do it
    The more we hurt, I dont like hurting people...even by mistake..
    As I don't like hurting people, please stop hurting me.

    Encapsulated from the rest or society I watch.
    Mouths moving, people appear to be gaping like fish in a tank.
    Silence unbearable, unable to read lips, ignored, blocked, isolated.
    Rejected, neglected, hurt with heartache and pain.
    I watch them look and point as if I am a biological specimen in a bottle.
    I put my hands against the glass and scream, the unbearable agony.
    No one hears, no one listens, they put me here before I could explain.
    They put me here as they did not want to hear, why ?

    From there side I appear as a goldfish in a bowl in the corner,
    With the questioned tagged on the bowl, how can a goldfish stalk ?
    But only observe from the isolated corner , the dark cold corner…
    The corner you have imprisoned me in…
    People have done this to me my entire life…

    Why ?
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you had such trouble with this other site.

    I think that some sites are not as supportive as others, and some sites are just outright nasty

    I think that this is a good place for you to be

    As far as the practical problems caused by being banned, you might be able to rejoin the site under a different user name, unless you are banned based on ip address

    maybe there are some other art related resources?

    do you want to say more about what happened with the cancellation of the exhibition?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i am glad you are here i hope you know no one will judge you here okay I hope you post more. Your words say so much hugs
  4. zanaelf

    zanaelf Member

    Thank you, I know I had been rather upset, it started off first with a friend who does intersexed art characters..and i uploaded my own photo to the group and got rejected, I told her I am like her art, she misunderstood me, which I should have said i am intersexed like the art charcters she blocked me and unblocked me as well I had been doing some self healing on her forum and she just blocked me from it and deleted my artwork.. as i had started working on the "Lone Elves" a conceptual fictional art work which has a story to it about a planet where Intersexed people became more prominant in the population of elf people on a planet in a galaxy far far away. I naturally find it hard to cope with rejection/blocking and try and explain this to people , they dont see or understand or grasp the concept " I find it hard to cope with rejection" they say grow up and get over it... i thaught they would understand that for me because of my genetics it is not easy as it sounds, its like asking a blind person what they are seeing.... This lead me to the point I wrote a poem... and then got accused of anagonizing her.. the poem is:
    The dull emotional agonizing pain.
    When I look into the mirror,
    My anatomy physic reminds me of your art characters.
    When I look at your art characters,
    There anatomy reminds me when I saw myself in the mirror.
    I love your art, it helped me find the truth what happened to me.
    I thank you for this, but I don’t thank you for the rejection.
    I am pleading with you, please end the pain.

    All I wished for was acceptance and understanding,
    All I got was rejection and blocking, and tossed in the corner.
    I am not an object of fetish nor an “it”,
    I am a person with emotions and feelings.
    I am sensitive, I am fragile, rejection and neglect kills me inside.
    The cold dark corner of pain, where I have a never ending dull ache
    The emotional pain that matches the throbbing of the ache in my spine.
    The memories of abuse, of connected pain, broken back broken heart.

    Have you no empathy, when I asked for help ?
    Have you no emotions when I was in the highest of pain?
    Why do you do this? You might as well toss your art characters in the bin.
    I fight within myself if you are really like this, it can’t be.
    An artist that draws intersexed characters… but hates us in real life.
    I find it horrifying, disturbing, tormenting and distressing.

    Anger and frustration boils from the monster within,
    I inflicted it on myself, as I work to hurt no one else.
    I have hurt myself, and others, even the one who gave me rejection
    I can’t do it no matter how I try, but the pain remains
    In a tormenting dull ache that throbs each day of the week.
    I can’t handle rejection, I am sensitive to it, its in my genetics.
    If you have a heart, of love and compassion,
    I ask if you please stop the rejection.
    It cuts through me like a hot knife through butter.

    I attampted suicide 3 times, the last time was when I got banned.. and I I have the feelings comming again and tryng to suppress them when I heard my exhibition had been canceled because of the ban, as people looking at proposal could not access my deviantart gallery.
    My life is dependent on it, because I had been rejected for work, university by finance department, i was going on my own... and more rejection.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    It's hard to know what's going through people's heads some times. It could be that she was just directing some hostility at you that was coming from someplace else

    so maybe she is also intersexed, but also feels bad about it, and is directing self-hate at you?

    it must be difficult to get so much hostility from someone who was a source of such positive feelings before

    I think that there are other people, other artists who would understand and support how you feel. You just have to find them

    I bet that if you had your exhibition, you would get some positive responses and feel vindicated

    Maybe you can take her rejection and try to turn it into positive motivation, that you can show her, that you can find people who believe in you and who believe in your art

    Is there any way to salvage the exhibition? Can you send them the files directly? Can you get the files up either on deviant art or on another site?
  6. zanaelf

    zanaelf Member

    Thanks, for the responce, poerhaps maybe , I dont know, but I am hurt by the whole thing, getting rejected by her was bad enouph, but rejected from deviantart and not been able to access all my work is something even worse... its made it very much hard, I am trying to retrieve my work so i can have my own website or upload it elsewhere but have breakdowns in the process.. I have mananeged to get hold of a counsilor who may send in an appeal for me, since my appeals are being ignored.
    I get banned from my poem and accused of antagonizing when she does these Antagonizing artworks...

    You know maybe she is, but because if she is in the closet about it, it does not mean to reject me... but be open , I wont go and boast it openly , as I am not that type... but open with this , because i am hurting.

    Like I said I am trying, I have 8 years or work, 800 artworks, I have managed so far in two weeks to dowbload three years of work, and still have another 5 to go... its not easy when you cant handle rejection and not having propper access to my work.. just gives me emotional brakedowns and lead to suicidal thaughts because of the pain being unbearable.
    Much Love
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