I'm about to turn 37 but I don't even care about getting older. I'm under a terrible amount of stress that I can't shake or escape and the burden is just too much to bear. I'm at a point where I just want to shut down and do nothing but lie in bed and sleep. I would love to go away, get treatment, be around a different group of people but I feel powerless to change my situation. My energy is so sapped right now that I can barely take care of myself, yet so much is depending on my ability to function but I'm so burned out. I started a business with my brother about 5 yrs ago but the work load got out of hand and I was the only one capable of doing a majority of the tasks. I put on a thousand hats and played that role as long as I could. I did everything I could to keep up with the status quo. I took drugs like adderall (prescribed for my self-diagnosed ADD late in life), xanax for my nerves (in moderation), tried all kinds of mood stabilizing drugs that made me feel numb and void of life. I am currently off of everything except kratom, which is a natural and legal substance that is akin to an herbal "Ultram". It has mood elevating properties and used to give me an energy boost but all it does for my lately is made me devoid of emotions and detached from life, which I don't like. It's a point now that nothing is working to help me get through the day and I seriously wish I could afford to retire or at least take a forced leave of absence so I can recover from this adrenal burnout I'm having. I would say my health is sub par, though I don't have any illness or disease that I'm aware of. I'm also recovering from a horrible incident (as well as 2 other family members) that happened just over a year ago in which my father, who was hit by a drunk driver, developed a traumatic brain injury and became psychotic one day (after experiencing months of terrible fits of severe anxiety) and attempted to kill us all with a knife and a dumb bell. I was stabbed three times and bludgeoned in the head with a dumb bell numerous times. All of my injuries were non life threatening and I suffered no brain damage from the blows to the head. Needless to say, I suffered considerable losses that day. I lost my father, thought I was going to lose my brother who was stabbed in the stomach, and was stuck with numerous medical bills that I will never be able to pay off. I was already under a tremendous amount of stress prior to this incident so this just brought things over the the top and out of control. There are so many more things that are coming up that I just don't think I can face and I thought about how easy, painless and quick it would be to end my suffering. I've only stuck around this long because I've cared so much about the well being of others but I don't think the favor will ever be returned and I have nobody else. I couldn't take another stint of bad news to come my way and there's just no more energy left for me to deal with this life- I don't know what to do.