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My life makes me want to scream

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Aria11, Sep 25, 2012.

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  1. Aria11

    Aria11 Member

    Hi All,

    My name is Aria. Lately, I just want to scream at my Life. I am trying to be grateful for the good things in it, but my mood is getting the best of me. I am bipolar and it is not uncommon for me to experience drastic mood swings. Ever since I got on my psych meds, I gained 20 kg or more, resigned from my job (it was the stress trigger, but aren't all jobs like that?), left my boyfriend (I don't regret that one), pulled away from friends.. or did they pull away from me, who knows. Point is, I now talk to myself.

    I do it in the car, in the bathroom, alone in my room.. so I thought, why not talk to people who do not know me. Before I was diagnosed with Bipolar, I still suffered from it but I thought it was my character: sometimes depressive and sometimes too happy to be normal. I was always the smartest at school, graduated with distinction from college, got a job at a hot shot multinational where I was, again, number one. My Doctors say I am a genius. Although I suffered, I liked myself way better when I was off meds (not when I had depression though). I feel that my psych meds erased whoever I was and replaced it with a fat, talking to herself, hasn't got a clue about a thing loser.

    I am not motivated anymore. I used to have a hot body, I used to last hours on an elliptical machine, more on a bicycle.. now, I can barely catch my breath after 10 stairs. People used to call me energetic, the life of the party ect... I was more manic than depressed which ultimately got out of control. Now, all I do is fantasize about what I could be, maybe will be, what I am NOT. I sometimes force myself to just focus on the now and then find myself quickly drifting into another unreal situation I create in my head and live in, because the now is so disappointing.

    I felt most in my element when I looked and felt good. I need that first in order to think about what to do next. For the first time in my life, I dont have a clue where my career or education is going. I worked for 2 multinationals (Deloitte and Touche and General Electric) so far and it is pretty great for someone my age but now, I am clueless... if I dont find myself again, I wont know how to plan and lead my life.

    Even though I am taking my meds which makes my psych docs happy, I am far from being happy myself. I am not at high risk of harming myself or others but I have become numb.

    I am sick and tired of feeling angry, hopeless, unable to change, alone, alone, alone... Who are we kidding? we are born alone, we die alone, why not be alone in between...

    Anything other than alone in between is an illusion. We desire it, we convince ourselves that we have it but we do not. The sooner we realize it the better. I think it is better to erase any expectation of having people around you, with you, to support you... It is so much easier not to expect it because most of the time, we are not going to have it. Even if we do, we don't.

  2. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. You sound like a great and wonderful person. I wish I had your incredible talent and success in school and life. I have major depressive disorder--psychiatry diagnosed--though most of my friends, due to my innate personality, think me bipolar. In any case, I imagine you've discussed the difficulties of these medication(s) with your doctor, and if you haven't, perhaps it's something to be considered. For there are a variety of alternative options out there, in each and every class of drug, and sometimes it's just a matter of finding out (through trial and error unfortunately) which one will work best, not only therapeutically, but also with side effects you can live with. I once heard an interview with the head of the psychiatry department at UCLA, and she was explaining how it was unconscionable to her, how her patients could often go off their medications, it just didn't make sense. To which I thought, "Well, Miss, perhaps if you tried some of them for some time, you'd see for your self!" Maybe you've begun to answer some of the beginning of your path to feeling like you used to, insofar as getting active again. If you found the will to go to the gym and and eat well, then as you start to feel better physically, you might feel better mentally, due to an increase in self-esteem. But what do I know! Good Luck & Best Regards.
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hi aria.. Most ppl that take psych meds hate the damn things.. Bathing is just how far one gets out of control without them. Previous reply to you here mentioned there many different meds for the same thing.. Talk to your shrink ans let them know your feelings and thoughts now.. Talk earnestly with them on issues of yours said here..

    Lot of mentally ill ppl here on this website.. You are very welcome here.. We will talk with you..being alone hurts one hell of a lot..been there, done that.. Keep posting as able.. No judging and putting down here. Goal here is just to help each other the best we can..

    TC and later, Jim
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