MY LIFE My Hell my problems

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Timo716, Sep 7, 2012.

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  1. Timo716

    Timo716 Member

    Hello everyone

    I'm Timo
    21 years old
    a student from Holland
    I'm an student in medical and moleculair microbiology

    I really hate my life

    i have been hurt
    i did hurt

    i'm suicidal since i was 12
    did about 13 suicide attempts
    i wanna get well

    i wanna feel love
    wanna finish my university

    i don't wanna live in this constant battle with my mom

    she drives me crazy
  2. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Hi Timo,

    Sorry you're not feeling well right now. You sound like you really want to pull out of this though, so that's a good thing. Can you live at the university so you can get some distance from your mother right now?

    I'm interested to hear what you're working on at school. I am an American Medical Technologist with lots of experience in medical microbiology. I especially enjoyed working with moulds. The reference laboratory I used to work at was developing molecular testing for general mould and yeast identification. That was about five years ago, so I'm not sure what came of it, but the data looked promising.

    Talk to me....
  3. Timo716

    Timo716 Member

    Hi Joanne

    Here in Holland we don't have a campus or something
    i live 70 minutes away from the school andso.
    i just need to take the bus and be in the other town in 30 minutes walk a bit.

    that's sounds so cool :D
    we get mycology next period.
    i got experience in :
    bacterylogical determinations
    the cultures (of course the reinstrijk or something don't know how you call it in english because it's a dutch word XD like van leeuwenhoek (the microscopy guy )

    we uses a lot of api's and stuff and dna fingeprints.

    but i also love virology

    i'm also try to get my degree in pdk in english it would mean test animalscare and science.
    (do not bitch me about it anyone if you give me 1 reason why not test on animals i give you 10 back why we should it's usefull and saves lives.)

    still fights at home
    went out to get bread my mom is upset about my style
    i'm sort of emo/goth/ punk combi
    without tattoo's or piercings because i may not where or let them be placed because the infection hazard .

    so left big walking kind boots , hard music black shirts , cargopants and studd bracelet (that was this fight bout this time)
    no black hair anymore :(
    my chain that i always put on my pants my mom threw it away

    please do not''t teach me english gramar
    goot dyslectia and i'm dutch so it's already a big handicap xd
    i speak/ write dutch , belgium thing xd , german , english
    bit latin and lot's of medical terms so my head is to full of alpha stuff i need to get hardcore beta science in it now XD

    going to learn for my exam in couple of weeks

  4. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you're on the right track with school. As far as I can tell, your word "reinstrijk" translates to "streaking for isolation" - it's the way you streak the plate to get isolated bacterial colonies, right? That's a huge skill to perfect. As you have already probably experienced, a good isolation streak will make a huge difference on your culture workup. Especially as you get into real clinical cultures, sometimes the pathogen is overgrown by normal flora or in the case of something like a young Haemophilus, it can be really hard to see. Or finding that one pale Pseudomonas spot underneath all the bright pink E. coli on your MacConkey plate. But that Pseudo colony workup could be lifesaving for a cystic fibrosis patient.

    What have you done in Virology so far? I've done a little bit of viro - things like CMV shell vials, DFA staining, respiratory cultures, a little bit of reading for CPE - but not a whole lot. Mostly straight bacteriology and mycology. I think you'll really enjoy mycology. The moulds are so beautiful to look at. Very delicate structures some of them while others are these huge things under the microscope. After a while, you'll become good at telling what they are just by looking at the colony.

    As for the animal testing - no problem here - they are treated very humanely and the in vivo information we get from them saves lives. A lot of people have no problem poisoning rodents or killing them in other ways if they find them in their homes, but then get all upset when you start talking about humane medical research. I do have a problem with harsh cosmetic testing - things that are really painful for the animal.

    And don't apologize for your English - it's 100% better than my Dutch (which is nonexistent, lol!) I've got a bit of old and dusty French somewhere in my brain, but that's about it.

    It sounds like your mom is just being a mom. Some mothers can be controlling, especially when their idea of fashion and what's acceptable is different from yours. But know that somewhere inside she means well and just wants you to be successful in the world. I'm not going to mind-read, but if it were one of my daughters I might be concerned that people in the professional world might be put off by the goth look, but it's not harming anyone and it's how you feel comfortable in your own skin, so I would definitely need to take that into consideration. Hang in there - at some point she'll understand that you're an adult and can make your own decisions about the way you want to live your life. She may be concerned for your safety in terms of any depression you might be experiencing (which to be honest, she'd have a point there, seeing as you're here at SF, right?) - just try to give your mom a little slack (even if she doesn't give any to you - I know - it's hard some days when you feel like you're being harassed) - and just focus on the awesome work you're doing in school. It'll all be okay.
  5. Timo716

    Timo716 Member

    thanks about the advises

    i have done loads off elisa's for virology got a soar hand of it XD
    we filled 10 plates of 96-wells by hand in 1 day

    we also did some cultures and rota/noro virus screening
    mostly theory

    those moulds look cool saw some agardishes pass me by about week ago.

    Streking for isolation i will keep it reinstrijk much shorter XD
    i mostly do 4 or 5 streaks because my sweep cultures look like they have been to long in the incubator

    now stugulling with an e.coli k12 which can off an emb agar like big colonies
    now tiny white hard to see dots on normal BA agar.

    i still in love with the bonte rij (the row of 12 test tubes with different agars in it to do the gram neg rod identification

    we played soccer with a rat but that was we where with 6 people in a kitchen like room
    like 2 meters by 1.5 meters and the rat was walking on the floor so it was accidental and he bit 1 guy out my class :D

    i have finished 3 out off the 12 powerpoints the planning was doing 4
    but i un through my notes saw 4,5 and 6 looks the same and are 90% the same so i will do those tomorrow
    now off to the online shooter

    thanks bye

    btw :are you still an micro biologist?
  6. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    I used to work in an Immunology laboratory (same company as micro, different department) doing all sorts of ELISAs and Western Blotting. Did you have to fill the microtiter plates with a single-tipped pipette or a multi? Doing 96 wells with a single-tipped one would be torture, lol! Eventually we got automated plate processors - omg, those were nice! They'd jam every now and then and that was a headache, but it would inoculate the plates and put in your conjugate and substrate as well! We'd just have to wash, incubate, and read them ourselves. That was about eighteen years ago, so I'm sure things have changed a bit since then.

    That's strange about your E. coli not growing well on the BA. Just to be sure, are you sure it's not a CNA? I've done that before (oops!) and then wondered why my bugs weren't growing properly. Some Gram negs will grow on CNA, they're just not happy about it. Those gel agars are pretty cool, aren't they? We used them to screen out enteric pathogens on stool cultures. Any non-lactose fermenter got set up to a gel battery. Then if they had certain characteristics in the gels (H2S+, K/A, etc) we'd set them up on the automated ID analyzer.

    As for me, I am no longer working as a microbiologist, or any sort of Medical Technologist for that matter (I've done it all - chemistry, hematology, blood bank, immuno, and micro/viro). I have pretty severe bipolar disorder and am on government disability. You know what though? I'm okay with that now. I first went on disability back in 2000 and was on it for three years. I was extremely sick back then and almost went into a State Hospital (typically reserved for the most chronic and sickest patients). Then I finally got on the right medication and became well enough to work again. I worked for the next seven years and only had two hospitalizations during that time (which was very good for me). But then I got sick again in 2010 and my doctor, husband, and I decided that it would be best for me to stop working at that point. But I feel good about what I have been able to accomplish, despite my illnesses (I also have a dissociative disorder that can be very disabling at times). I was a damn good tech and I was able to help a lot of people. I also enjoyed teaching very much - the lab I worked in was affiliated with a University with a medical school, so we got all sorts of students coming through. But now it's time for me to step back and just try to stay healthy. I have two kids whom I care for - they're teen/tween aged now, but they still need their mom. That's also what keeps me going when I feel like I'm at the end of it all and want to give in to the suicidal thoughts. They need me and I have a lot to live for. So I keep going and do what I need to do to stay safe. Sometimes that's something as simple as coming here to talk to others, sometimes it means a med change, and then other times I need to be in the hospital, but so far so good! :)

    It's been nice talking to you, Timo. I wish you well in your studies. And like I said - hang in there with your mom. Things will be okay. :hug:
  7. Timo716

    Timo716 Member


    now we had to do mostly with single tipped pipet
    after 3 or 4 wells plates some one brought the multi channel

    we had ruined all sorts of equipment already
    i broke over 500 euros in glass.
    we drowned the hplc of 10 grand
    someone dropped an pcr machine

    so now we don't got good stuff

    but it's all cool

    and i'm 1000% sure its no cna agar
    because the lab assistents poured it all 5000 of agar dishes
    it's enormous xd

    we do it all by hand
    the university is poor xd

    and thanks i will try my best

    off to sleep now its 15 past midnight xd
  8. Timo716

    Timo716 Member

    broken by sleepness something

    learned 4 chapters today
    going to bring my book with me tomorrow

    i patched the biohazard on my bag :D

    and got some more music on my phone :p

    go to shower and sleep bye
  9. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Oh no! Those poor pcr and hplc machines. Did they make you pay for the glassware? I'll bet that biohazard patch looks good on your bag. I love stuff like that. When I was in school, I found a comic strip of a vampire at an ATM bank machine, only it dispensed bags of blood like the kind they give in hospitals. The caption read "all night blood bank" - I put it on my BB notebook. It's the little things that can just give you a little lift when you're feeling down. :)
  10. Timo716

    Timo716 Member

    yes indeed ppor machines
    no i payed 75 euro a year volentairi but not more :p

    some guy in my class droppes a box of glass sterile pipets
    15 were broken and shatered 5 were still in one piece
    they are worth 20 euro each O__o i now not feel that bad xd

    and lol love the bloodbank comic xd

    now doind home work for tomorrow
    it's so much :(

    i had safteyclass to day we needed to take the freshmans exame.
    but i was the guy wo did nothin the teacher hates me.

    my mentor maild him
    he saids she didn't mailed him
    she said he did repleid.

    another teacher said that the first teacher hates me xd
    he wanted to get me out of that class in the first place

    i feel trolled and played and stupid

    maybe i may take 1 or 2 exams tomorrow and friday max to 5
    it would be great

    just because i have autismthe teacher hates me.
    i want to troll him and say it to the : threat them equal board xd
  11. Timo716

    Timo716 Member

    Back here so hello.

    It is not that good I have been up and down.
  12. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Welcome back, sorry you have been up and down, but glad you have come back to try and get that help and support you need.
  13. Timo716

    Timo716 Member

    Thank you.
    Yes at home it is still not good only worse.
    I can't hold on much longer.

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