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Hi All
I am really stuck on to what to do with various situations in my life.
Friday/Saturday
On Friday i was at going to the art cafe (which i don’t really enjoy but i turn up for the cheap tea and coffee) and i was told by the nurse who runs it that due to my panic attack the previous week i am longer welcome as she believes I am not well enough and there’s no point in me oming in if i can’t pick up a pencil/pen and colour in a book. But thankfully she let me in after persuading her that and t I am just gonna in a corner.and read my kindle/listen to music. But in the end i ended up feeling really pissed off (excuse my profanity) i felt like a humiliated naughty school girl in primary school and brought back memories of generally being at my last special needs school. Memories i had forgotten and pushed back further into my head.
Then i was at the job-seeking group with Jenny and due to my pain in both of arms I couldn’t type and was in agony and i was feeling pretty angry with myself and felt that Jenny was saying it’s all psychological when it’s surely ain’t. (I am hyper mobile and doctors believe i am developing hyper mobility syndrome as my arms and legs are constantly in pain. So in the end I made up some excuse that i had to see my mum for a meeting at Basildon Hospital and walked out of the library.
Then I was buying a cup of coffee from Greggs (bakers) and literally couldn’t pick up a 5-ounce cup of coffee and burst into tears as I jumped on the bus and was feeling very down and anxious throughout the rest of the day. Then i got to Graham’s (my friends) and i felt so tired that i completely had no memory of getting in the door or the next 5 hours. Then finally fell asleep at 11pm to wake up at 3 in the morning in agony with my arms and spent from 3am till Saturday evening extremely up and down in mood. Graham gets to see the real me, whereas my parents see just someone who is a bit fed up but nothing to worry about.
Sunday
I was at home for a majority of the day doing coursework for my assignment for the open university ( i had read a lot of my material on the previous days despite being in pain, exhausted. So on Sunday, I was writing my assignment and i realised very late into evening that i had completely read the wrong material it was only when it was a few 30 before the deadline did i realise that i had written a huge assignment on next topic on communication that I am due to start this week. I felt completely mortified and angry with myself that i wasted all Saturday and half of Sunday for a load of shambles. Then I made a terrible mistake on an online mental health recovery forum where I said something that to a group dieters that it’s a good idea to to think to yourself ( if you are near cakes etc ) to think would some athlete eat this rubbish and i also said that i drink lots of water so i don’t binge. (8-10 glasses per day plus cups of tea) Not thinking that this a recovery site for mental health and there’s a lot of people with eating disorders on this forum. This resulted in big argument with fellow mods and friends i had made on site and i am now on the fence whether i am going to be banned for life. For making such a humiliating mistake without realising it.
Now i feel that i have lost two social places to visit (one in real life) and one online and my life is getting darker and darker, lot of few close pals online and in real life. And that i have no purpose to get up apart from to go a poxy job seeking group. i have no other outlets to use online apart from the rather boring Facebook and just my ou course which is due to stop for a few months over the summer.
I have no other friends in my life apart from you and a load of penpals and due to social anxiety i struggle to make friends, talk to people etc. I have no confidence in longer conversations with people apart from the usual good morning/afternoon etc. I struggle to even message and have meaningful long conversations with very close online friends on facebook messenger.
Do I take a few weeks away from everything and spend the week watching netflix with my iPhone off, doors locked and bolted? Pissing off my parents as I am not active enough with the constant thoughts and feelings of “you are useless, worthless, nothing in society, you are lazy, can’t be be bothered, go out for poxy walk you feel better,” and being constantly worried that I’m gonna end up massive over night and have to eat sandwiches (which i don’t like) That's the reason i turn up groups activities, not because i want to. i turn up so instead of sandwich I can have either a salad or a healthy strawberry flavour protein meal replacement. (I adore both) I kinda feel pushed out by parents, by food and that I need to control.
I am really stressing over my OU trying to cope with two modules and to be honest, i feel almost like cancelling one module this year as I am unhappy with the grades I have receieved as I feel they are not adequate for what I can achieve and don't want to end up with third over all or just bare pass. Not with all the stress, struggle and anxiety I have put my body and mind through the last 10 years.
I am also struggling to cope with my emotions in general and what I mean is that for a long time I have surpressed how I have felt (probably subconciously or due to medication that I have been on) and I can't seem to make myself realise it's okay to cry or feel upset, its natural, it's okay to laugh or enjoy a tv show etc and as result when I am to sleep and the parents asleep. I let out how I really feel in my head and that leads to quite serious thoughts and feelings, overral frustration in the day and mixed facial expressions from rather worried people and arguments with Graham and mental health team wondering whether I am pulling their leg and pretending to be mentally unwell for attention. Even though the stress of suppressing and not telling a, soul what's really happening in my life is causing my body to get really tense and this includes my shoulders, arms, legs and feet. (Scrunching etc)
I also have three very stressful interviews and one jobseeking meeting and I am starting to really worry and panic over them. The last time I was stressed I ended up not sleeping for days and having a massive psychotic episode and mental breakdown.
Please, can anyone help me and give me any advice of what to do.
Hi All
I am really stuck on to what to do with various situations in my life.
Friday/Saturday
On Friday i was at going to the art cafe (which i don’t really enjoy but i turn up for the cheap tea and coffee) and i was told by the nurse who runs it that due to my panic attack the previous week i am longer welcome as she believes I am not well enough and there’s no point in me oming in if i can’t pick up a pencil/pen and colour in a book. But thankfully she let me in after persuading her that and t I am just gonna in a corner.and read my kindle/listen to music. But in the end i ended up feeling really pissed off (excuse my profanity) i felt like a humiliated naughty school girl in primary school and brought back memories of generally being at my last special needs school. Memories i had forgotten and pushed back further into my head.
Then i was at the job-seeking group with Jenny and due to my pain in both of arms I couldn’t type and was in agony and i was feeling pretty angry with myself and felt that Jenny was saying it’s all psychological when it’s surely ain’t. (I am hyper mobile and doctors believe i am developing hyper mobility syndrome as my arms and legs are constantly in pain. So in the end I made up some excuse that i had to see my mum for a meeting at Basildon Hospital and walked out of the library.
Then I was buying a cup of coffee from Greggs (bakers) and literally couldn’t pick up a 5-ounce cup of coffee and burst into tears as I jumped on the bus and was feeling very down and anxious throughout the rest of the day. Then i got to Graham’s (my friends) and i felt so tired that i completely had no memory of getting in the door or the next 5 hours. Then finally fell asleep at 11pm to wake up at 3 in the morning in agony with my arms and spent from 3am till Saturday evening extremely up and down in mood. Graham gets to see the real me, whereas my parents see just someone who is a bit fed up but nothing to worry about.
Sunday
I was at home for a majority of the day doing coursework for my assignment for the open university ( i had read a lot of my material on the previous days despite being in pain, exhausted. So on Sunday, I was writing my assignment and i realised very late into evening that i had completely read the wrong material it was only when it was a few 30 before the deadline did i realise that i had written a huge assignment on next topic on communication that I am due to start this week. I felt completely mortified and angry with myself that i wasted all Saturday and half of Sunday for a load of shambles. Then I made a terrible mistake on an online mental health recovery forum where I said something that to a group dieters that it’s a good idea to to think to yourself ( if you are near cakes etc ) to think would some athlete eat this rubbish and i also said that i drink lots of water so i don’t binge. (8-10 glasses per day plus cups of tea) Not thinking that this a recovery site for mental health and there’s a lot of people with eating disorders on this forum. This resulted in big argument with fellow mods and friends i had made on site and i am now on the fence whether i am going to be banned for life. For making such a humiliating mistake without realising it.
Now i feel that i have lost two social places to visit (one in real life) and one online and my life is getting darker and darker, lot of few close pals online and in real life. And that i have no purpose to get up apart from to go a poxy job seeking group. i have no other outlets to use online apart from the rather boring Facebook and just my ou course which is due to stop for a few months over the summer.
I have no other friends in my life apart from you and a load of penpals and due to social anxiety i struggle to make friends, talk to people etc. I have no confidence in longer conversations with people apart from the usual good morning/afternoon etc. I struggle to even message and have meaningful long conversations with very close online friends on facebook messenger.
Do I take a few weeks away from everything and spend the week watching netflix with my iPhone off, doors locked and bolted? Pissing off my parents as I am not active enough with the constant thoughts and feelings of “you are useless, worthless, nothing in society, you are lazy, can’t be be bothered, go out for poxy walk you feel better,” and being constantly worried that I’m gonna end up massive over night and have to eat sandwiches (which i don’t like) That's the reason i turn up groups activities, not because i want to. i turn up so instead of sandwich I can have either a salad or a healthy strawberry flavour protein meal replacement. (I adore both) I kinda feel pushed out by parents, by food and that I need to control.
I am really stressing over my OU trying to cope with two modules and to be honest, i feel almost like cancelling one module this year as I am unhappy with the grades I have receieved as I feel they are not adequate for what I can achieve and don't want to end up with third over all or just bare pass. Not with all the stress, struggle and anxiety I have put my body and mind through the last 10 years.
I am also struggling to cope with my emotions in general and what I mean is that for a long time I have surpressed how I have felt (probably subconciously or due to medication that I have been on) and I can't seem to make myself realise it's okay to cry or feel upset, its natural, it's okay to laugh or enjoy a tv show etc and as result when I am to sleep and the parents asleep. I let out how I really feel in my head and that leads to quite serious thoughts and feelings, overral frustration in the day and mixed facial expressions from rather worried people and arguments with Graham and mental health team wondering whether I am pulling their leg and pretending to be mentally unwell for attention. Even though the stress of suppressing and not telling a, soul what's really happening in my life is causing my body to get really tense and this includes my shoulders, arms, legs and feet. (Scrunching etc)
I also have three very stressful interviews and one jobseeking meeting and I am starting to really worry and panic over them. The last time I was stressed I ended up not sleeping for days and having a massive psychotic episode and mental breakdown.
Please, can anyone help me and give me any advice of what to do.