My life my struggles

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memyselfand1

University Student
#1
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Hi All

I am really stuck on to what to do with various situations in my life.

Friday/Saturday

On Friday i was at going to the art cafe (which i don’t really enjoy but i turn up for the cheap tea and coffee) and i was told by the nurse who runs it that due to my panic attack the previous week i am longer welcome as she believes I am not well enough and there’s no point in me oming in if i can’t pick up a pencil/pen and colour in a book. But thankfully she let me in after persuading her that and t I am just gonna in a corner.and read my kindle/listen to music. But in the end i ended up feeling really pissed off (excuse my profanity) i felt like a humiliated naughty school girl in primary school and brought back memories of generally being at my last special needs school. Memories i had forgotten and pushed back further into my head.

Then i was at the job-seeking group with Jenny and due to my pain in both of arms I couldn’t type and was in agony and i was feeling pretty angry with myself and felt that Jenny was saying it’s all psychological when it’s surely ain’t. (I am hyper mobile and doctors believe i am developing hyper mobility syndrome as my arms and legs are constantly in pain. So in the end I made up some excuse that i had to see my mum for a meeting at Basildon Hospital and walked out of the library.

Then I was buying a cup of coffee from Greggs (bakers) and literally couldn’t pick up a 5-ounce cup of coffee and burst into tears as I jumped on the bus and was feeling very down and anxious throughout the rest of the day. Then i got to Graham’s (my friends) and i felt so tired that i completely had no memory of getting in the door or the next 5 hours. Then finally fell asleep at 11pm to wake up at 3 in the morning in agony with my arms and spent from 3am till Saturday evening extremely up and down in mood. Graham gets to see the real me, whereas my parents see just someone who is a bit fed up but nothing to worry about.

Sunday
I was at home for a majority of the day doing coursework for my assignment for the open university ( i had read a lot of my material on the previous days despite being in pain, exhausted. So on Sunday, I was writing my assignment and i realised very late into evening that i had completely read the wrong material it was only when it was a few 30 before the deadline did i realise that i had written a huge assignment on next topic on communication that I am due to start this week. I felt completely mortified and angry with myself that i wasted all Saturday and half of Sunday for a load of shambles. Then I made a terrible mistake on an online mental health recovery forum where I said something that to a group dieters that it’s a good idea to to think to yourself ( if you are near cakes etc ) to think would some athlete eat this rubbish and i also said that i drink lots of water so i don’t binge. (8-10 glasses per day plus cups of tea) Not thinking that this a recovery site for mental health and there’s a lot of people with eating disorders on this forum. This resulted in big argument with fellow mods and friends i had made on site and i am now on the fence whether i am going to be banned for life. For making such a humiliating mistake without realising it.

Now i feel that i have lost two social places to visit (one in real life) and one online and my life is getting darker and darker, lot of few close pals online and in real life. And that i have no purpose to get up apart from to go a poxy job seeking group. i have no other outlets to use online apart from the rather boring Facebook and just my ou course which is due to stop for a few months over the summer.

I have no other friends in my life apart from you and a load of penpals and due to social anxiety i struggle to make friends, talk to people etc. I have no confidence in longer conversations with people apart from the usual good morning/afternoon etc. I struggle to even message and have meaningful long conversations with very close online friends on facebook messenger.

Do I take a few weeks away from everything and spend the week watching netflix with my iPhone off, doors locked and bolted? Pissing off my parents as I am not active enough with the constant thoughts and feelings of “you are useless, worthless, nothing in society, you are lazy, can’t be be bothered, go out for poxy walk you feel better,” and being constantly worried that I’m gonna end up massive over night and have to eat sandwiches (which i don’t like) That's the reason i turn up groups activities, not because i want to. i turn up so instead of sandwich I can have either a salad or a healthy strawberry flavour protein meal replacement. (I adore both) I kinda feel pushed out by parents, by food and that I need to control.

I am really stressing over my OU trying to cope with two modules and to be honest, i feel almost like cancelling one module this year as I am unhappy with the grades I have receieved as I feel they are not adequate for what I can achieve and don't want to end up with third over all or just bare pass. Not with all the stress, struggle and anxiety I have put my body and mind through the last 10 years.

I am also struggling to cope with my emotions in general and what I mean is that for a long time I have surpressed how I have felt (probably subconciously or due to medication that I have been on) and I can't seem to make myself realise it's okay to cry or feel upset, its natural, it's okay to laugh or enjoy a tv show etc and as result when I am to sleep and the parents asleep. I let out how I really feel in my head and that leads to quite serious thoughts and feelings, overral frustration in the day and mixed facial expressions from rather worried people and arguments with Graham and mental health team wondering whether I am pulling their leg and pretending to be mentally unwell for attention. Even though the stress of suppressing and not telling a, soul what's really happening in my life is causing my body to get really tense and this includes my shoulders, arms, legs and feet. (Scrunching etc)

I also have three very stressful interviews and one jobseeking meeting and I am starting to really worry and panic over them. The last time I was stressed I ended up not sleeping for days and having a massive psychotic episode and mental breakdown.

Please, can anyone help me and give me any advice of what to do.
 

Baicha

Well-Known Member
#2
Thats a lot to have on your plate in one go!
Have the doctors 'done' anything to help the hyper mobility? It's not something I know very much about, but I thought (?) an exercise programme/pain killers were usually prescribed?

Do you feel you need to shut yourself off for a week in front of Netflix?

Salad instead of sandwiches? whats wrong with that?

If you are honest with your mental health team, why should they think your faking how you feel? Do you have a trusted counsellor you could open up to and explain your life struggles, even take a copy of this post for them to read?

The interviews & jobseeking meeting - stuff like this is always stressful, I try to do lots of 10 minute blocks of controlled breathing and meditations, burn incense sticks, listen to music, take a walk - anything that works to lower my stress levels.
 

memyselfand1

University Student
#3
In regards to the hypermobility the exercise makes no real difference to it, i could walk 6-12 miles day, run marathons and whatnot and pain would be still be there aching every minute on my shoulder and elbows, hands etc. Medication i am looking to it and i have really got consider lots of options when I am formally diagnosed.

Salads and sandwiches I ain't really bothered about it's healthy, what more can i say? parents jsut have to accept i don't eat bread unless it's a "treat"

Mental health team, i am going to print off this email (the one with the corrections and extra content) the reason they often think people fake symptoms is because there's couple of women that do it regularly and they assumed i do and when i have spoken to them i am always polite, manners learned from childhood etc. I kind of surpress how i truly feeling/thinking a majority of the time as i am often to scared, frightened and embarrassed. Plus i landed myself in circle/cycle where i don't let my mental health show to anyone in public and wait till 11pm and thats when i am bed really wanting to rip my skull apart. it's kind of been my coping mechanism for years. Plus a majority of the time, i write/blog about how i feel and i what have done, so no-one really understands how i am. Even though i have desperately wanted to sleep pernamently and never wake up. Just to escape my brain, my life going nowhere and constant feeling of rejection from society. Rejections from so-called friends (that have disappeared one by one, rejection from jobs, social actvities. I have constantly gone to places and the group have stopped half through the year due to funding(okay that can't be helped, lack of people turning up and i have had years of complete utter misery. That i just don't see the point in fighting my own head and battles anymore. I have run out of energy to cope with life. But life goes and i plod along, struggle get by and get through each minute of the day. i have put myself out there, i have tried to make myself feel more attractive, i have tried to enjoy activities and look interested but it's all fake. It ain't the true real me.
 

memyselfand1

University Student
#4
i look for jobs daily like there's no tomorrow,i apply online give my cv out etc and endless repeitive, boring and gets abolsoutely nowhere at times. I go for job interviews and sometimes I dont know why i even bother. It's not like my cv/working history stands out, they must think "here comes another stupid idiot with learning difficulty, how long will she last, a day, twenty minutes, lets take a bet. Even though i have had jobs lasting over 3+ years. I just can't stop thinking, they won't employ me, i am too stupid, too fat even though only mildly overweight (not obvious) Then there's the constant nagging in the back of my skull of didn't try hard enough, that 99% ain't good enough even though i have pushed my body and mind to extremes in order to get work done. (lost sleep as i thought, oh well i dont deserve sleep, sleep ain't gonna get you a job, u lazy useless f word.]How can you get a job sitting on your ass, put some f effort in it useless xxxxxxxx
 

Baicha

Well-Known Member
#5
.... But your reply tells me that you're anything but worthless, it also shows a lot of strength and perseverance.
I know it's hard to show people the real you, I very rarely take my mask off, it hides who I am and makes me feel safer, less anxious. That said, your mental health team need to know how you feel, even if it's just your mask talking to them. Hopefully they will understand that your problems and struggles are genuine.
Jobs are not easy to come by no matter who you are, all you can do is try and keep trying, as tiring & soul destroying as it is. Hopefully you'll find something soon.
Take care
 
#6
I have hypermobility but with arthritis, a lot of people do and don't realise it as it doesn't cause them problems. Because the joints over stretch you need to be careful of the types of exercise you do as constant over stretching of the joints is what causes the pain. Even little things I wasn't aware I was doing made it worse, like the positioning of your feet when sitting, the way your sleeping etc. Also maybe a referral to rheumatology to check for arthritis. It's a lengthy process of tests but it's worth it to get on the right medication to help. Co-codomol help me, I get an inflammation injection too. Definitely worth a quick blood test to check your inflammation markers as those make the pain worse.
Not sure where about you live but there are a few places in the uk who provide employment help if you have disabilities. The one I've used before is Remploy, they helped me find a job, met with my employers to ensure that everything was in place for my needs, and made sure I was treated fairly. I think the charity Scope do too. It's worth a quick google check to see what's available where you are.
 

memyselfand1

University Student
#7
Thank you so much for your comments, your comments are really apprieciative how a lot of things have happened the past few days since i last posted on here in early April. Well last Thursday i went for a job at local housing association named GenHA and I was thining it went well and was quite postitive that i could potentially get the job however I was keeping my hopes to high and putting too many eggs in to one one basket. But it paid off and I finally have a job it's been a long time coming and I am finally employed. I am absolutely chuffed mental health is quite all over the place at the moment and I am physically stressed out. (tense muscles) I still cannot believe that I will be starting work officially on the 1st May 2017. I am still getting my head around it all.
 

memyselfand1

University Student
#9
Thank you much, i tried to reply your message earlier during the weekend, however I was on my friend's rather awful windows 7 computer that's a million years out of date and out of touch with reality. It was stupidly slow so typing a short message felt like I was running a marathon. And he tells me he's got high speed internet access.
 

memyselfand1

University Student
#11
I just can't believe that i am going to be starting work officially on the 1st/2nd May in one week. I still don't think my mental health will ever be cured though.
 
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