My life needs a ending soon

Just want to end this now. I've been stuck for years. I know i can make good things happen if i try. That will take effort, and i dont want to feel happy and remorse for the past. My past is a very lone one. I have been angry or depressed half the time. The other half im mindless, empty.
Every time inconvenient or bad things happen, i blame myself, felt worthless. I cant get any help because im so damn disspointed on everything, i think i gave up sometimes back.
Now i think i need a gun. I dont want to live like this anymore. I have no money no job, so i cant buy one yet.
Part of me still want to live, but is dissapointed, things that i thought i important like friendships and relationships with women seem foreign to me right now. I feel if i open up to somebody i will drive them away, thinking im sad and pitiful. I isolated myself and thought i will came through. Its been years and i dont really care anymore. If i have a gun i will do it. Im tired of thinking of the past, it seems all i wanted and i can do. My present is worthless, i've been stuck in same place, same situation, same helpless hopeless envirenoment for so fukiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing long, my happy days seemed like three lifetimes ago. Im a total stranger to myself. If someone something kill me already! i want a sure and quick way to go, and hopefully in death all of this shit never happened, and i will not live another fukcing life ever.

 

overwhleming please try to find another way, I'm sure there are things you like in your life, you just have to hold on to those simple things and remember that there will be someday when you figure out something worth living for.
I thought about killing myself last year yet I stand here today happy I didnt because I met a wonderful person who taught me life is more than just grief, just hold on and don't forget you aren't alone.

 

My mother, is a demon in disguise, she've been kept insult my self-esteem for years. I dont want to deal with this any more and other problems. I want die. But she told me to go to kill myself. If i comit suicide is like she wins. Damn it, i dont want a fukin moron like her to feel like she own me! Dont know what to do now. Im tired of my life.

 

Well that was mildly confusing..... the happy days are over you say? Well keep in mind that you have actually had happy days as opposed to some.

I have never known a relationship or happiness... so I can empathize with yor misery. It is not easy, I am not going to tell you you are wrong for to do so would be hipocritical. All you can really do is keep going until it all ends...

Or you can look back on your expereinces and see what and how you accomplished things and try to mimic those things and happiness may come back.

 

Do you live with your mother?
If you do try to talk with her about that but do it softly don't start screaming or anything keep it calm and simple, try to explain how you feel when she does that, and maybe she will understand.
If not you can always leave your house and go off to some of your other relatives house.
The main thing is don't give up, it will get better some time.

 

Im alone in a foreign country. My mom would never understand, she thinks shes always right. I mean what i say: she never thinks anything else! My family have no one, no friends, my parents are pathetic. My mother took out anger on me cuz im the ONLY one available, she like to blame me for my problems, telling me im an idiot, that im a moron that when i will leave home i will suffer with no jobs no friends that i will never marry cuz no one will want me etc. My dad basicaly has same attitude, we never spoke avoid each other whenever possible. Not that matters cuz im not fond of them at all, not if i was hanging on the cliff and they want save me by give me a hand, i would instead let go of the grip then have to feel owe them. I've no money right now basically stuck at home and depressed about everything. I already half gone, live through many loneliness anger disappointment and pointless of it all.
If i set out on the world, meaning leave home i will be all alone like when i was a kid, im not sure i want to relive some of those memories... Dont know what to do now.

Anyway, thx for the listening to my problems.

 

wow sorry to hear that, but still don't give up, keep trying, keep trying to get a job, someday you will have one and you will have money to get your life right and maybe who knows you will get a lot of friends at work, maybe someone who loves you etc etc.
It will be hard but thats life i guess