Just want to end this now. I've been stuck for years. I know i can make good things happen if i try. That will take effort, and i dont want to feel happy and remorse for the past. My past is a very lone one. I have been angry or depressed half the time. The other half im mindless, empty. Every time inconvenient or bad things happen, i blame myself, felt worthless. I cant get any help because im so damn disspointed on everything, i think i gave up sometimes back. Now i think i need a gun. I dont want to live like this anymore. I have no money no job, so i cant buy one yet. Part of me still want to live, but is dissapointed, things that i thought i important like friendships and relationships with women seem foreign to me right now. I feel if i open up to somebody i will drive them away, thinking im sad and pitiful. I isolated myself and thought i will came through. Its been years and i dont really care anymore. If i have a gun i will do it. Im tired of thinking of the past, it seems all i wanted and i can do. My present is worthless, i've been stuck in same place, same situation, same helpless hopeless envirenoment for so fukiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing long, my happy days seemed like three lifetimes ago. Im a total stranger to myself. If someone something kill me already! i want a sure and quick way to go, and hopefully in death all of this shit never happened, and i will not live another fukcing life ever.