My life = nothing

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RahDeeZea, Aug 10, 2007.

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  1. RahDeeZea

    RahDeeZea New Member

    I already posted this thread in the let it out section but since my feelings are more suicidal I thought it best to repost here, so feel free to lock up the old one.

    Hi, my name is Rob and I think it's fit (or unfit) to say that I've been suffering from depression. Most of the time I wake up in a vile mood, wanting to take out anger on anything closest to me. I find it very difficult not to lose control, and it's hard because I work in a very tight community meaning if something bad happens, the whole village will know within minutes.

    Starting from 5-6 years old, I've been bullied for nearly twenty years. Sometimes I look back and I wonder how the hell I managed to keep it in all this time. I think just after I reached twenty I just had enough. My body is hideous. It's filled with so many cuts and bruises. Sometimes I do it for no reason at all.

    I wanted to go to university as well but I heard that some people I knew from college I disliked were going there as well, so I didn't go.

    Time has gone so quickly and I just wonder if I'm destined to live forever without any friends. I used to go to the friends reunited site a lot and write messages to people but they just ignored me. I feel I've been used, chewed up and spat out. I feel that I was just a fucking stepping stone that was constantly trodden on.

    Part of me wonders if people would remember me if I died, or just couldn't care less and get on with their married lives or whatever.

    That's another thing. There was a girl I fancied really badly and now she's married. I bet she doesn't even know who I am.

    I can't even believe I'm typing all this out! I know they are millions of people out there with worse problems than me, but when you're depressed for what seems like forever, I feel I really want to be the centre of attention. I want people to recognise me. To just treat me like a friend no matter what I look like or what I sound like. At the moment I feel like everyone except me are all heartless bastards.

    All I want is friends.

    Since I've got nothing else to lose, I am going to set myself a countdown. If nothing special happens within the next two months, that's it. I AM DEAD.

    So that's me really. Happy go lucky Rob. The guy who everyone insults.

    I can just picture my gravestone.

    Some poor twat that couldn't handle the big wide world.

    the end
  2. RahDeeZea

    RahDeeZea New Member

    Having no replies after a while makes me feel embarrassed typing this in the first place.

    Well I'm going to try and die again. Knowing my luck I will probably wuss out and just end up being sick. Sometimes I just wish I had a gun. That'll solve all my problems.
  3. Teo

    Teo Active Member

    Hi Rob, have you tried making many friends?
  4. painsource

    painsource Well-Known Member

    You can try and find a depression group meeting through your county to try and meet people.The meetings should be free.I would suggest however that you take up a musical instrument.A bass would be the quickest easiest route.Just learn how to play basics,you dont have to be great!Then go on craigslist and look for a band.You'll instantly have a couple of friends if you join a band.Then the chicks will come after that.Of course they'll lead you right back that helps
  5. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Sometimes all we ever need are good, loyal friends...they can make a difference.

    Being used can provoke many negative emotions like anger, sadness, etc.

    I'm pretty sure you will make many friends on this forum. The people are friendly and don't judge.

    Best of luck.
  6. RahDeeZea

    RahDeeZea New Member

    Thanks for the replies.

    I tried making friends during the school years, but a lot of verbal abuse has made me a very shy person. Where I am now finding and making friends is very difficult.

    I'm not sure about instruments. At the moment just doing simple things like going for a walk I find difficult so I just have to try and take it one step at a time. I've never been to a depression group... though the difficult first hurdle is explaining that I'm depressed to my family.

    It'll be nice to make some friends online, especially people around my age group that has undergone the same problems.

    At the moment I'm fairly relaxed. For the good part of two years I'm usually one extreme or the other. When I'm the 'bad' type of extreme I end up doing things I regret.

    I have been alone for too long, almost to the point where I don't care... yet I do. It's hard to explain.
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Let me :welcome: you to SF. I hope you are able to find support here with us. There are many people that would be willing to discuss things with you. you might even make a few new friends. take care and i hope to see you around the forum.
  8. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    I certainly feel a part of your pain. I know what it's liked to be/feel isolated and IGNORED.. I REALLY do. It pains me to think that I'm so transparent that people seem to walk through me and not notice a thing.

    I'm somewhat like you. I tried setting a 'countdown' for myself before. 'I'll do this before 25' 'I'll kill myself if this really happens..'
    I got rid of them all, but I do have one I'm sticking to right now.
    If I tried until I turned 30 and nothing improved in my life(not just social life)
    , I would take my life and end it. So I've decided to give myself generous
    7 years.. Well, hey, we've got something in common.(rare to be common in things like this)

    I can relate to the 'vile mood' as well. But you really need to stop this. If anything, it's self-destructive to no end. All the screaming and wrecking stuff(I tried) don't do any good.

    Joining a church group(like a choir) definitely helps. taking up an instrument is a good idea, not for chicks..-_- but just something to keep your mind occupied. Guitar saved my life.

    If they hate you, at least don't let them get under your skin and interfere with your own life.
    (Go to university or anywhere you desire, don't let them ruin your life, half of it will be your fault)
    Still.. try to be nice to them abd everything. But if they happen to dislike you for no reason, you just have to move on. Just move on

    You should also work on improving yourself as a person,(to be approachable) as an individual.(discover your god-given gift, develop your skills&talents) It's a lifelong work.. I've been trying to change my personality for a long time,(as long as I can remember) and I still don't like the way I am. But we just have to work at it. There's no other way to get around the problem. Tackle it face on.

    I'm afraid of my own life right now.... 'White Dove'(RIP) took her own life but I'm not giving up just yet.(although tempted) You shouldn't either.

    Listen to some good music on youtube and cheer up! You'll make lots of friends.
  9. Interloper

    Interloper New Member

    I shouldn't be posting on this forum, as I know how truly annoying it can be when people who don't have your problems start giving advice. I only registered to make one post and will disappear soon. But ...

    I'd say that joining a sports club could be a good idea. I'm in middle age, and while I have a family, I didn't "make friends" they way I did when young. Colleagues from work weren't the same. But since I joined a swimming club, I found things improved dramatically. As well as meeting people at the regularly scheduled sessions, there are always people interested in meeting up for training. I was surprised how many "older" people were training, and how many of them were more interested in it as a hobby, rather than competition with the goals being "race wins" and prizes.

    Also, at these clubs, it's frequently the case that certain voluntary work needs to be done (e.g. holding direction signs during road running races), and too few people do it. So doing your share of this work, plus a bit more, makes you one of the "better" members, which is a bit of an ego boost in itself.
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