My life seems so hopeless... I've come to the point where I dont think I could ever achieve what I want from life, and what I most want from life is things that people take for granted everyday. Im going to share my story. Im going to say alot of things that I have never told anyone. These are very embarassing to me and i've tried to make things better but nothing ever works. I have so many things wrong with me. I'm going to list the physical problems first. Im 22 years old, 5'9 and I weigh 125 pounds. I have the smallest bone structure... second to only one other person i've seen in my life. I can't gain weight, I hate looking like im 12 years old. I've tried to put on weight, I've lifted weights took suppliments with no gains. My mother has the same bone structure and she's 40 years old and im almost postive I'll never fill out. I have pectus evacuation or what some people call funnel chest, it's where my ribs form a bowl in the middle of my chest, its not a severe case but i'll say its very noticable. I believe it is the most common birth defect. I dont have white teeth... its not because I dont take care of them I brush at least 3 times a day, I floss, and I use mouth wash. My brother and mother both share the same teeth color. I've tried every OTC product, had the dentist do his own bleeching system and even had laser bleaching done all with no results. The only option I see to have a nice smile would be verners and those are very expensive and you have to have them replaced after say 10 years or so from what i've read. I also have dark circles under my eyes, people often say I look tired and it really upsets me. My mother and brother also have this but it does'nt look as bad on my brother because hes not as small as me. I guess some of it has to do with skin color, we have a little native american in us so we are naturally tan. I also get cold sores quite often... I artibute this to the first time I kissed a girl... I did'nt see any on her at the time but I could have picked this up anywhere. I hate going out in public when I have one, and lately i've gotten alot of outbreaks. I think that about covers my physical problems. Next is my mental state... I had someone posion me when I was 15 with a drug... it was the worst thing i've ever been through. I did'nt feel normal for a week and 2 years ago... someone laced some pot I smoked with the same drug. I again went through the worst thing i've ever been through. Dont get the idea that I was a stoner, I had only done it maybe 10 times in the span of my life as many young people experiment. This event did something to me... I started having severe anxiety attacks causing me to go to the ER several times. I've had anxiety for the past 2 years, its not as bad as it used to be but I do find myself being paranoid that someones going to do this to me again. I dont want to hang around my friends because of this, I know they dont do drugs but I still think someone will do it to me either at a party or by just being around them. I know this fear is unresonable but it still plays on my mind. Now im going to say what I wanted to do with my life... ever sense I was a child i've wanted to be in the Military. But the military wont take me because of my Anxiety. So what am I to do with my life? I cant think of anything else I would want to do. Next my love life, or sex life more though lack of both. I've had 1 girlfriend my entire life, and that lasted a week. I've talked to a few girls but nothing ever became of it. I lost my virginity a few months ago to a very pretty girl at a party, but she did'nt want anything to do with me afterwards. I live at home with my father, mother and my 2 younger brothers. Matt is 18, 6'3 180 pounds and looks like a full grown man. He has always been very popular with girls and has always had a girlfriend. My other brother Travis is 17 and has had a girlfriend for awhile now, and even has a kid to another girl. They bring their girlfriends home everyday and then theres me... the oldest son no girl has ever called the house for me, my parents have never seen me with one. Over the course of the last couple of years i've just stopped caring about the opposite sex... they dont seem to like me so why should I like them? I just dont have much of an interest in them as I used to. Im not gay its just what girl would want someone like me? My life is just so depressing... seeing my brothers keep getting bigger and growing into men and seeing them with someone it just gets me down. I guess you could say im jealous of them. I've thought about suicide sense I was 15 years old... more however in the past few years. It helps to pass the time but I know I could never do it... at least while my parents are still alive. My mother has a diease and recently found God and I know if I were to do anything, I know the loss and stress would make her turn for the worse. My father has been in rehab for the past year due to an addiction to pain medication for 10 years. I know if I were to ever do anything he would replase and I just could'nt do that to them. So im not in any danger of doing anything to myself any time soon. I know that they are the only thing keeping me back from ending it. Im sorry if I sound like im trying to find pity or whatever. But I just dont see how I could ever take care of the things that are wrong with me, not at least with a large sum of money and that is something I dont have. I hav'nt had a full time job in 2 years i've just been working a couple days a month at my brothers work place covering for people. I just dont want to go out in public anymore. After reading this do you think I could ever over come these things? Could I ever have a nice smile, fill out, and maybe someday find someone that would want to be with me?