My Life So Far...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chrizze, Jul 2, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Chrizze

    Chrizze Member

    Hello,.. I wanted to share my life story at least with someone... So here it goes.. I'm 34 years old male,and have a diagnosis of "Borderline personality disorder" ..It was diagnosed,when I was 10 years,or so. I had pretty hard time in school,but I managed anyway...Fortunately,at that time,there was a special class for people like me.After that,I haven't managed do all that much in my life..I am in disability pension today..been for 10 years.First time suididal feelings came up so powerfully,that I realised them as such,was something around -97,... and I'm not sure if they ever disappeared. I don't think they do.Those of you,who had heard about "five stages of dying",I believe that they can be triggered by Perceived vicinity of death as well...In my case,back in -97,when first addressed the issue of suicide,and therefore mentally "accepted" this as one possible outcome in my life.. I came out of closit as a gay seven years ago,and that solved some past problems,which were because of denied or nonrealised identity...but new problems became as well... Being this old,and with no achievements in life,it's hard to get boyfriend... That's a one thing.Other thing is,that I tend to do drugs,because they seem to be the only "working" medications with that BPD,since there is no medication for that really.So my suicidal feelings consist of many things: generally feeling wortless,like being a "surplus people",which many of us are,in this industrialized world..... Being happy only while in high....but inability of maintain that indefinitely... Newest thing is,that I tend to practice unsafe sex.
    I believe,that this is my subconscious way to try to commit suicide.I would not try it with any "faster" method,because they are too fast,and could leave you injured for the rest of your life...and other people would know,that it was suicide,this way,I insist to myself,they wouldn't.
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :hug: Sorry to hear you are struggling. It always sucks when feelings we had come back. This has happened to me when my ex left me. In many ways I do nit think suicidal feelings ever go away we just find ways to cover them.

    I am on a quest to find a new girlfriend myself. I cannot say I have been trying the hardest however hearing you talk about accomplishments made me think. If your life accomplishments really matter that much. How is it that all the low class people who are on Jerry Springer and other such shows keep reproducing or for that matter keep having sex? The answer is that people play the field with the tools they have. You need to find the things that make you unique. You need to find the things you excel at. Most of all you need to go out there and learn. It is too bad you are a male. I do not know bow to impress guys. :p if you were a female I could recommend some reading to you.

    As for how you feel. On another forum, a guy pointed out to me that happy people are more attractive. He said that happy people work out more often, dress themselves better, smoke more. They hold an overall better vibe. As where with depressed people like us we just frown and cry. We give off a vibe of sadness. That will do the opposite of attract people, we even repulse people of a similar mindset. For me I hate myself because of my body. So I am working to change That. Find one thing you hate about yourself that can be changed. With that which cannot be changed learn to live with it and control it. This will not be easy.

    I hope this helps a bit. Feel free to pm me or just keep posting here I would like to help.
  3. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time and are still struggling. :( I don't have much advice unfortunately, but I hope you continue to use this forum to get your feelings out. My thoughts are with you. :hug:
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    If there is hope for me I know there is hope for you as well. Yes, unsafe sex is a way people can try to die, Hallelujah I did not die that way even though I tried. I am glad you are still alive as well. I was diagnosed with BPD and IP, and Bipolar since the age of 16 I am 28 now. There is hope. Do not give up life!! Blessings..
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Chrizze. Being gay can definitely bring additional challenges for one to deal with. Many people are homophobic and are unwilling to accept homosexuality as a sexual orientation. The gay pride parade is happening this weekend over here in Toronto if you can come down. I think that you should be using protection when engaging in sexual activity to avoid contracting STD's. :hug:
  6. Chrizze

    Chrizze Member

    Thanks for inviting to Pride....:) I had to upgrade my details,.. I live in Finland,and we had Pride too in this weekend... Yes,being gay really adds some problems,but to me,not in traditional way,thought... I haven't had any problems with relatives to accept me.... but i believe,that somehow I may suffer about that "retroactively"... my mind has probably recorded all gay bashing remarks it has heard from people along all these years....and now taking them personally.who knows...
  7. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Chrizze,

    I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you now. You have been through so much. Few could cope as well as you have and that's to your credit. PLEASE don't think of yourself in negative ways. I believe we are all here because the world needs us here. Maybe your post here hashelped sso many people already and your strength and courage has insopired others here. We are allneccessary and that's why we are here. PLEASE don't have unprotected sex. It's bad for all involved. You don't want to influence others in a negative way. Why not make it a happy expereince instead of a way to hurt. Do you get a chance to socialize? Why not join a support group or 12 step group. Others have been where you are and are looking to help. And you could help others who are where you've been.

    We are so happy you are here and we care. YOu sound like a great person. You may have internalized others criticisms and attack yourself because of it. But the people who put you down failed. They put theor burdens on you because they were too weak. You are a strong and valuable person and we need you and want you here. Try to replace your negative habits with positive ones and see how you feel. Make sure you are around people that are sympathetic. As I said support groups. There are many people who will want you in their lives they have to get to know you. So share yourself with them!!!!

    Write if you like,

  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    One more thing Chrizze. Since you were having unprotected sex with many guys, you might want to get yourself tested for STD's, just to make sure that you are clean. If you have been infected with HIV (God forbid), you need to know so that you can get treatment early.
  9. Chrizze

    Chrizze Member

    Thanks for positive comments :) Now I had have time to think about issues,and perhaps I am able to go on again... Good thing in this is,that usually situations are not going that critical after all,... it's more lika a "Nausea",in Sartrean sense... Situation has been in my life for long,and changes are not going to be that fast.... But when I consider last ten years,or so,there has been many improvements,sometimes they are not easy to notice,because they advance gradyally... I'll keep this as my main thread,and get back to writing about things,when I feel that way.
  10. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    You sound great!!!! I'm so happy! We are always here for you. Sending love and happiness to you!!!!
  11. Chrizze

    Chrizze Member

    My borderline personality disorder is steadingly deteriorating.....feel bad,.....and that aforementioned unsafe sex practice is continuing too....I'm just too tired with life,could not care anymore where it leads me.....I am expecting to have HIV in couple of years.....thru this unsafe sex.
  12. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hun, why are you so sad? Why are you so focused on death? You are too young to be feeling this way. You have a lot to live for. You have many gifts and talents to share with the world. Don't think so may sad thoughts.:hugtackles:
  13. Chrizze

    Chrizze Member

    I honestly don't know, why I am so fixated about death.... would help much, if I do..perhaps I fear loss so much,that I want to gain something that cannot be taken away.... Death. ...Dunno.
  14. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hun, you really want to live, to be happy and for things to go OK. You really don't want to die.
  15. Chrizze

    Chrizze Member

    I know,but I do not know,what would stop the process...My doctor said,that The main problem is,that my psychic defences,are for some reason,perhaps from chilhood,nobody can know,they are tuned to withstand hate,negligence,rejection,,that my life has improved,I have friends more than ever,etc,people who care,etc...doc said,that this all is "attack to my psychic defences",for they are not tuned to receive love,care,things like that,...and because of that I am feeling miserable.made perfect sense to me,and this doc has all my pyschic papers since chilhood in his deck,and he read them,I should be able to re-adjust psychic defence mechanisms...who could one do that??
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.