My life story....a "short" story.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by imyouroldman, Aug 19, 2011.

  1. imyouroldman

    imyouroldman Well-Known Member

    A few days ago, I busted into this forum from somewhere and spewed..... I had been waiting all weekend to tell someone about where I was at concerning suicide. So yeah I Nothing has changed in me in the past few days other then a feeling of peace.

    But now to the boring :)

    I am a 54 yo man who lives in northern New England. I have no living relatives that I actually know(phone numbers, addresses, etc..) I have no friends other then the people I see at work. I do not socialize and when I am not working, I sit in my small 1 bedroom apt.
    I work in a manufacturing plant driving a fork truck. The job sucks. The company sucks. The pay sucks. The benefits suck.

    But I am trapped here now due to socio-economic conditions. I would so love to leave and return to the World. This has been an Evil place for me ever since I arrived here in the late 90's. This Evil place has sucked the Life out of my Soul.

    I use to have a career I loved. Senior Systems Analyst for a major independent telephone company. I was an expert in my field. To be more specific I was one of the leading experts nationwide for a particular software package that ran on an IBM Mainframe. I got outsourced in 2002 and even though that wasn't the start of my spiral into oblivion, it really turbo-charged and changed the direction I thought my life was taking.

    I have had and have lost, in just the past 10 years, 2 ENTIRE family's complete with wife and 2 children each. *poof* GONE!

    Oh and in 1999 I inherited a multi-million dollar portfolio of stocks. Most of it in "old family" oil. Today, I own nothing more then a few clothes, this laptop and a minimal amount of a "buy here" "pay here" car. My bank acct is actually at -743 dollars. That's right negative. I had overdraft protection and maxed it out to 500 bucks. The rest is overdraft fees etc.
    I have nothing. I am 1 paycheck away from being homeless. The thing I have feared the most since my early 20's.

    So here I sit, a broken man, trapped forever? I may not be able to leave this god forsaken place, but I can LEAVE this god forsaken place.

    "Live Free or Die,
    There are worst Evil's in this world then Death!"

    Even if you are Pro-Life don't you give in to "the Humane" calling when it comes time to put the family dog down rather then let her suffer on in pain and agony? I am pretty sure my pain and agony are much worse then anyone's family dog. So PLEASE and I'm smart enough to put myself down, please let me go....I beg whatever god rules the Universe, to just let me go.......
    Sorry it's long and probably not allowed in the rules but I got no one else to listen to me. It's just to much freakin sorrow...and I use to be a strong one.

    Nosound - Fading Silently

    I'm just tired of staying here
    oppressed by time going by and growing old
    I'm just not smiling since too much time
    waiting to leave or to die
    and joy is gone weeping away cracks of time
    all this pain I embrace inside
    going up the river of time
    I'm waiting to become a child
    and I'll hold on in this dark noisy room
    and I'll clean up this fucked mind
    there's just too much darkness in my disease
    looking for happiness into the falling leaves
    I would smash this starkness with the hope for the future
    encountering me in a sunny day
    "Hello how're you?" I would say
    all me shining inside
    like when I was a boy

    omfg.....who the fuck did I piss off? What did I do that was so wrong to be treated like I wasn't even human? I spend HOURS and HOURS thinking about that.... and it boils down to just one thing....SHIT HAPPENS

    In a former life I owned and drove a semi-truck all over North America. Mostly coast to coast and I use to love this time of morning(I dread it now). Felt like I was alone in the world. Those nights driving where that feeling was the strongest was in the western desert, the Empty Quarter, the Great Basin, the high plains. That place were very few people live. That's where I belong.

    I could survive there and live. Because I would truly be alone. My problem now is that there are way to many ghosts here and too many people that can't even see me. But I only have one option to escape from this prison that my life has become.

    I am a VERY strong person. I can do ANYTHING i set my mind to do.
    Thanks for the bandwidth! :)

    Nosound- Lightdark

    now I'm thinking again
    at your poison in vein
    at the days passing by
    now I'm lost in the night
    I can see you in the dim light
    and this house is so quiet
    I can hear you walking outside
    I still see you falling asleep
    you left winning your fight

    I remember the light
    when we walked in the night
    and the cold on the street
    all the food you won't eat
    and the silence you broke
    with the sound of your steps
    all the dreams that we made
    all the times that we played

    then that morning arrived
    I was ready to go
    but you failed to start
    I just knew what I saw
    I was feeling my legs
    disappearing like yours
    sliding down on the floor
    trying to reach for the door

    you were lying on the floor
    can't standup anymore..
    now I'm walking alone
    and the nights are so long
    but we'll meet in the skies
    and I'll look in your eyes
    I still cry in my bed
    wish you here with your smell

    it's the lightdark
    it's the lightdark

    Need to go. I've got to get some things done in the am.(and if you made it this far, send me a msg, reply etc. lol! This is a major life event obviously(planning suicide) and I live and breathe this 24/7. Sure I go to work 5 days a week, but what do you think I'm thinking about for 8 hours driving around on a fork truck? Pretty hard to think of anything else really at this point in time. Just remember I'm on here late night early mornings...peace.

    Oh yeah, my hair is really long, almost down to my ass. I've ALWAYS been a hippie! lol later.

    Oh and I'm back to using drugs hardcore again. What's it gonna do, kill me? lmao
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I made it to the end... Just letting ya know. :hugtackles:

    Also, you were wondering if this post is within the guidelines; I don't see anything wrong with it! ;) Take care, man.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    No words of wisdom other than to say, I am here should you want to is truly easier knowing there are ppl there to support and care about you..please PM me if I can be there for you...also, I love your avatar..when I was at Cape Cod 3 yrs ago, someone made similar sand art which was displayed on the peer..Great memories...thanks
  4. LordIceman

    LordIceman Active Member

    Sadly if you want things to happen for you in life you often have to make them happen . It can be difficult though to find the motivation when life gets you down. I noticed though that you are very poetic and I say why not nourish that creative side and use it to take your life in a more desirable direction. Get some books on creative writing out of your local library and try to get some poems published by Reader's digest or something similar. If nothing else it might help take your mind off of shit. I understand what you mean about putting the dog down to ease its suffering. Yet I expect that if you really wanted to die that dog would be in the ground now. What you want is the life you deserve. You used to be a strong one and you might find that you still are. Now for one last Herculean effort. Fight. Also my hair used to be way down my back to. Then after years of bullying I cut a lot off and now it just goes past my shoulders. I'm growing it back. Sometimes all you need is time for your inner Sampson to gain strength to topple the towers of your incarceration. Fight . 4
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I read your post, and there's nothing in it that goes against the guidelines.

    I wish there was something I could say that would help, or make you feel better. All I can do is offer a listening ear, someone to talk to if you ever feel like it. I'm around a lot, and you can contact me anytime.