My life story and psychological state...(LONG)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by HelpingHand, Mar 25, 2008.

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  1. HelpingHand

    HelpingHand Active Member

    Hello every one I have Asperger syndrome and ADHD (offically the doc says it is ADD). I kinda wanna know what could be up with me or if i have any other disorders. I felt I have some things i need to address here. It goes into my way of thinking and into my history and devlopement.

    This is could get a little long so please bare with me.

    When I was younger I was shy, withdrawn and insecure. I felt like I was nothing if someone messed with me I would kiss their ass and back down. I was told I was stupid and would never amount to anything, and I believed it.

    My primary school years up until 4th grade were ok but I had realized well into kindergarden that I was just not like other the other kids. I had different interests, abilities and desires. When 4th and 5th grade hit my life became a living hell. I was teased endlessly, beat up from time to time and recieved a host of bad things from everyone. I thought taking a knife to school and killing this one kid who kept giving me trouble (if he hadn't been their people probably woulda left me alone) and throwing and disboweling him and throwing his insides all over the bath room. But I didn't do it. I won the science fair three times in a row and people still called me stupid. These days I suspect I am a genius because I did some reading on the childhoods of various geniuses and have found countless things that my childhood has in common with theirs. My parents were very strict with me. Not allowing me to watch any films that had anything above a PG rating or play with projectiles (BB guns, airsoft or even stuff that shot out little soft balls).

    My 6th and 7th grade years in middle school although not as bad as my last two in primary school were rather unpleasent. I was teased and bullied a bit but I had begun to like being alone. I stole things from my classmates and parents. I would have a homicidal or suicidal thought every now and then but nothing serious. My 8th grade year was wonderful Probably the best year of my life. I had a number of friends and a few enemies. My self esteem was high at this point in my life. I developed a powerful attraction to hispanic girls and pretty much everything about them. I was placed into a school where multiculturism was overwhelming. I loved everything about it. I was found myself more attracted to hispanic girls than to girls of my own race. My life was wonderful. I was introduced to hip hop around this time and have been playing that stuff ever since. I would go to sleep overs in what was basically the hood and I loved the culture that lived in the ghetto, it was a much needed break from the all white safe suburban area i was used to. Above all else I developed a intense interest in everything military related which I have carried to this day. I hope to one day join the US military and fight for this great nation.

    During High School I was placed into a school that was completely domainated by white students. I hated the close minded suburban culture that i had been serrounded by my whole life. My first year their my being shy and withdrawn came back. My life was horrible it was hell I was getting picked on again. I started acting strangely and people began to leave me alone. People backed off after they started to think I was crazy. My second year was much better. Although a noteworthly case happened were I nailed a black girl for slapping me after we had a issue of who had ownership of a bag of chips. She happened to be pregnant at the time and my mom gave me hell. She asked me what was wrong with me because i hit a pregnant girl for trying to steal from me. I told her that animals would fight over food. She reponsed that I didn't have the right to hit her and i was not a animal. I replied that I couldn't give a fuck what kind of damage i did to her or the fetus just as long as I got my chips back. I was taken to court for assault but the charged were dropped. I got into countless fights and was kicked out of school.

    I am now homeschooled and am making good grades all As and Bs for me. My self esteem is now very high. I now carry various weapon with me after a misadventure last august in which i found myself in a fight with 3 15 year olds vs me. I have built up quiet a collect of weapons (no guns) and have been taking martial arts classes in karate since late 2006. I have developed a good relationship with some people who have really seemed to be able to understand me.

    It all started when a 13 year old girl was murdered. I went to her funerel to express my sorrows. The girls 51 year old grandmother became almost like my second mother, her 80 year old great-grandfather is a WWII and Korean War veteran who taught me countless things about being in a warzone and the military. His stories amazed me. I do plan to follow in his foot steps and serve my country as i stated before. Interestingly I fell in love with the girls 34 year old mother and loaned her some money which i havent seen back.

    This girls mother was everything I had ever wanted in a female, not shy about her body, tough, a stripper, ruthless and opened minded, her native american blood made her look hispanic and she was older than me. I have always wanted to be with a older women and I thought it was happening. She has a very rocky relationship with her mother whom i lost contact with after her phone went offline. She made me feel real special even promising me that she would come and dance for me and better yet allow me to touch. Yet she started paying me no attention for a period of about 2 weeks her new asshole boyfriend decended to fuck with me when i came to speak with her. Threatening to beat my ass despite the fact he had gotten his ass kicked by the girl me and him were fighting over. He had told her grandfather (her dead daughters great-grandfather) a HUGE amount of lies about me which led to her grandfather banning me from his property. he had been leaching off the girl and her grandparents living in their house and being a leech. My "second mother" is the one person who could really help me but she isn't around.

    As of now I have managed to quit smoking and make some progress to finishing my home schooling. I have been feeling sickly off and on for the past two months. I have done many nice things for people in the past and have donated much money to funds to help the needy over the course of my 18 years of life. However I tend to believe I think like a animal. I believe that i gotta watch out for myself which is why I carry weapons. I will personally go to great extermes to achieve my ends. I often don't feel diconnected from other people. Once i was told when i was little that if raped i had a duty to protect others by going forward. I was thinking "why do that? it would be embrassing and wether or not that predator hurt anyone else was his intended victims problem." I have done a good job of helping people when they are down as people have countless have stated. I just have a way of thinking that will always put my needs and desires above the needs and desires above everyone else despite this i have done some very selfless things in the past. I view myself as a barbarian in a civilized world. I believe I have a special place and destiny and kinda see myself as basically the only person that can save the world in some future war in which humanity is at stake.

    Yet despite my admitingly egoistical and somewhat selfish nature I often thing in terms of what i can do for those i care about rather than what i can do for myself. My needs are ver basic:

    1. water
    2. food
    3. house
    4. computer
    5. TV

    and that is pretty much it. However god help anyone who dares threaten my hold on any of the above. I don't steal anymore or looking or looking for ways to hurt or victimize others for what they have i simply hold onto what i have and refuse to yield anything i have.

    My guess is that a psych doctor would have a field day with me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 25, 2008
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi helpinghand, and welcome back.

    you mention wanting to know if you have other disordres, but i don't believe you can get a proper diagnosis over the internet, there are just so many things that go into understanding someone. you have been through alot, but sounds like things are balancing out for you right now. you know, we can never control what people say about us (your friend's grandfather for instance) but just concentrate on being a good person.

    is there anything in particular upsetting you at the moment?

  3. HelpingHand

    HelpingHand Active Member

    Hi, Sorry for taking so long to reply. I just feel like I have been hollowed out. And yes, there is something troubling me at the moment. I had become great friends with the family of the dead 13 yo girl. I am very pissed off at her punk bf for telling her family lies about me which got me kicked off the property. He also threatened me (the only thing that kept me from ripping into him was I didn't wanna look like the bad guy to the girls grandfather). He even came to my house and told my dad a bunch of lies. What REALLY pissed me off was the fact my dad pushed me back inside instead of allowing me to fight him. My dad said he didnt want me to get into a fight with him. I wanted to fucking destroy this little shit and my dad go in the way. My dad treated me like a little kid instead of like the man i am I am 18 years old! I was fully prepared to take whatever legal shit that resulted. And that little prick called the cops ON ME!!

    I loaned her money and haven't seen it back. she told me she was gonna buy medicine with it when in truth she bought weed. I still want to be with her and I care about her. She promised me she would come and do a strip tease for me but never did. I don't know whats real any more I wonder if the person I am seeing is her is real or just a mask she created in order to bleed me. I just don't know.

    I also have been sick lately and trying catch up on my home schooling. I am trying to find myself a job but have had no luck. Basically nothing thus far has gone my way. I havent had a smoke in 29 days and don't have enough money to buy any. I am trying to use this to quit. I want to join the military and get out of my boring little town. I just wish things could be more interesting.

    Another reason for my stress is probably because I have been dealing
  4. HelpingHand

    HelpingHand Active Member

    I just feel like im spinning on worn out wheels. I have spent the past few weeks doing nothing but sit in my room, surfing the internet and watching tv aside from school work that is pretty much all I have been doing.
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