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My life story, what's been on my mind.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dahlia, Feb 20, 2014.

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  1. Dahlia

    Dahlia New Member

    Hi, this is the first time that I've posted on this site.
    It's pretty crazy when you read all the posts by everyone else, and everything that everyone else has posted sounds a like what you've always been thinking. I guess I already knew that the way I felt and the way I thought wasn't anything special or new, but it's still a little crappy to realise that I probably just sound like another broken record of depression.

    I was first diagnosed with depression when I was twelve after I talked to a teacher about being sad and trying to self-harm. I become obsessed with cutting myself for the next few years, and when I was fifteen, my mother died from Cancer. My teenage years were spent being misunderstood by the families that would take me in to look charitable in our small community for six months before kicking me out to the next family. I cut myself, barely attended school, drank a lot, tried some drugs, generally rebelled, got hospitalised twice and destroyed relationships everywhere until I had a solid group of friends before I finished year 12 {age 17}.

    My early adult years {18-20} were spent on a long roller coaster of building a life for myself then tearing it down again. I was unhappy, diagnosed incorrectly with bi-polar, and no one could tolerate me. When I was 20, I was in a long term relationship with a guy after moving to the city. He posed as a reliable guy, but he was manipulative, and he did things to me that made my personality shatter. I lost all self-confidence, all sense of my identity. I was a mess, crying every day, trying to die. I stayed with him, sought out help from professionals, believing the problem was again with me, not him. I starting working out at a gym, got a new job, made new friends, started studying, became a new person. Then I saw that it was him all along that was the problem, he would purposely poke at me, to set me off. He would trigger my episodes. So I left him, and so began 2013.

    I was poor and needed money. I was also in a new relationship. With the support of my new partner, I started stripping. I returned to the new year of my course, but things had changed within the course, and it left me feeling very unhappy. A sort of depression had crept up on me after I left my ex-boyfriend, and it lingered into the new year. I kept working as a dancer, but I dropped out of school. I began crying everyday, and I pushed my new partner away. I realised that I was getting very suicidal so I began to see a psychiatrist who had given off a distinct impression that he should have retired a long time ago, he was very uninterested in anything I had to say. The sessions cost around $350 each time, and I would describe my interactions with him as lazy. I would sit there in front of him crying and he would do nothing. He looked at me with contempt after I told him what I did for money. He recommended I see his colleague, who was a Borderline Personality Disorder doctor. I didn't though. I stopped my sessions. I decided to kill myself. On the day that I did decide this, a friend from the strip club I worked at texted me asking if I would like to do Cocaine with her that night. I thought, why not, I'm planning to die anyway. So that night began the addiction to a drug that dominated me for only a month, but a month later I was stuffing coke, and crack rocks into my nose while chomping down antidepressants and speed.

    I flew to a different state for a holiday for two weeks and came back Gluten-free and sober. I had been dealing with food allergies for a year before but it became obvious that it was time to start kicking my intolerances out of my diet. It took another 6 months to get over drugs completely, and I had to quit dancing as well as quit all of the 'friends' I had made during that time.

    Fast forward to now, and my food intolerances have been ruling my life. I react to gluten, dairy, and IBS related foods, including onions, broccoli, honey... in fact the list of what I can eat is easier to tell you that what I cannot. My depression has gotten near-unmanageable, and I have to constantly repress my mood swings, which is failing awfully. {I think I really do have Borderline Personality Disorder.} I have been seeing doctors, the first one was useless, after I tried to talk to him about my depression he referred me to another doctor after treating me like a problem. I have begun testing for stomach illnesses, and now await blood test results for scary things like cancers and infections which freaked me out.

    Yesterday with a follow up appointment with a new doctor who appears to have Aspergers, he took my BMI, and informed me I was underweight. I work out 4-5 times a week, I'm a gym junkie. You know what it's like when you have these mental disorders, you fixate on activities that distract you. Fitness is that for me. I do heavy weights, and I eat a strict, perfect diet. How can I be underweight? Especially when my reaction is that I'm still carrying a lot of body fat. The doctor begins to ask me if I've had eating disorders before.. I answer yes, when I was 15 after my mother died. So now I start to panic, and I do some looking into eating disorders. I get a lot of red flags. I think back to the last few weeks and begin to see patterns in how I eat my food, how often, how much. I became a picky eater due to how sick I got from my intolerances. I realise that I have inadvertently developed an eating problem. I spent the night crying out of shock and shame.

    My struggle is this: to all of the people, that read the posts of people with depression and other mental health problems, what can you say when I challenge all of the things that you recommend?

    Despite the amount of obvious self destructive behaviour I have done to myself in the past, there were times, where I did EVERYTHING that we are told to do to maintain mental health.
    Take a class, or join a group. CHECK.
    Research some hobbies or enjoyable activities. CHECK.
    Engage in some exercise every day. CHECK.
    Eat healthily. CHECK. [I have been eating healthily for 3 years now, my food allergies have only gotten bad since I did drugs 1 year ago, so 2 years of healthy eating without any allergies before then.]
    Surround yourself with a support network. CHECK. [Best friends who left me, ridiculed me, judged me. I now LOATHE people.]
    Reach out to your doctor or mental health specialist. CHECK. [Omg. The immense dissapointment I have from the YEARS of being treated awfully by the mental health system, doctors, counsellors, psychiatrists, and psychologists. I could write a book on the awful experiences I have had, which has made it impossible for me to go get help now.]
    Work on improving the way you think, replace negative thoughts with positive ones. [Yeah I have done this.. I have also read a bunch of Buddhism books, and become spiritually enlightened and done yoga. It's a load of crap. You can only be pushed so far every day. It's another 'temporary solution to a permanent problem'. I have had a real crap life and these positive thoughts are meant to help. They don't. If I get hit with a thought or a repressed memory, and I'm about to flip, all I can do it pray I don't smash something that I like.]

    There was a very long period of time where I did everything in the above that I was supposed to do. Yet I still ended up a drug addict. I still ended up crying everyday. I still ended up snapping, and self harming, after being clean of it for years. Where I am now, is an awful place. I have no future, I am sick, I spend everyday in bed, and then I occasionally work at some crappy job selling shoes. Society is disgusting and vain, and I was rejected by it long ago. Everyone is obsessed with the internet, and taking selfies. What is this crap? I have no friends or family, and I just feel so isolated and alone.

    So please, recommend to me what I can do? I continue to start over all the time, I always do all of the recommended things, but in all honesty, I don't think that the mental health doctors know what they are doing. My mind is very sick, and I am miserable, and I THOUGHT that after I left high school and all of the pain of those earlier years, life would get better, but somehow, every year has gotten worse. I'm so tired of fighting for nothing. I'm 22 this year, and I am still acting like a child. I feel like this will never end.

    Thank you if you managed to read this whole thing.
  2. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I'm not very good at replying at the moment to others, so I am sorry in advance. It probably goes without saying, but here on this site you will find that you are not alone and you don't sound like a broken record or a child...you sound like a human being and I admire you for opening up about your life....that takes a lot of courage.

    Like you, many people here ( including me) have or are currently dealing with a lot of pain and malice and like you, some of us ask the question, what's the point of going on? I often turn to self harm as well. I think i do so because so many things people have said and done have hurt me so bad, and I can't lash out at them, and I just take out my anger on myself. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but, yeah...

    For me, I try to make an effort to stay productive. My situation is that I had to leave college five years ago, and as much I want to return, I feel stuck. It also doesn't help that I don't have a steady job and while my family has done much for me over the years, they are also very toxic and lack the foresight to see some of the harm they cause.

    And I definitely can understand what you mean about the mental health system. While I feel the world needs such a system, it needs a serious overhaul. there are way too many burnt out "professionals" whose job is to help people deal with their problems who just don't give a damn. I mean there are people who work at fast food restaurants that show more passion for their job.

    I feel like a hypocrite if I tell you not to give up on life.....that's because I am slowly entering that dark place. But I think there are still options. I will send you a private message of a site that has helped me a little this week.

    I'm sorry I couldn't address everything you opened up about. Nevertheless, welcome to the forum.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2014
  3. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Thank you for posting and sharing your thoughts and feelings. I wish I had some great advice for you but I do not. All I can really say is that have done some of those positive things to get better only to fail again and wreck the progress that had been made. I hope you can find some comfort here as I have which has helped me to continue on. I am 39 now and it is a battle. It sucks to have to continually fight your own mind, I know. Sending you all the comfort and strength that I can to help you through this. We do care here and I hope you can feel that. Keep posting. By the way you are not acting like a child. Wishing you did not have to feel this pain. :hug:
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