My Life Story

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by saint6, Feb 19, 2008.

  1. saint6

    saint6 Well-Known Member

    only covered a portion of the problems I'm facing, mainly focusing on school and people and how it made my life the way it is now...

    My Life Story....

    Well i started out as a happy cheerful young boy when i was first introduced to this world, i loved every moment of it. I was like every other boy at first when i was able to function, that i thought. Finally had to start school for the first time, everything was normal because i was to young to notice anything, i thought i was just like everyone else. As i got past those years onto later years where i can actually think for myself i started to wonder why i was shy unlike the other boys and girls, why i got nervous why my face turned red every time i had to talk. I dealt with it as i didn't know that it was eating little pieces away from my insides. I had some friends but never really "opened" up to anyone. I went through the same thing over and over and finally got to the bigger grades such as 4th, 5th, etc. i started to feel "left out" and i never really talked to anyone unless spoken to, even then i never said much. I started to feel self-conscious about myself, but i thought it would just go away. I had some nicknames called my the Teachers and students, like "Smiley" because i never smiled which i was kinda fine with because it wasn't that bad. Then came middle school, the same old shit as before, but then i was starting not to care about school or my grades. My grades started to slip away and as i look back at all of my school pictures i started out as a nice happy kid with a smile on my face but around the 6th grade when i look at my photo there is no expression on my face, just a lost young child staring at a camera. By the 8th grade i stared to get in trouble more, and start to hang around with the so called "bad crowd" but they were the only ones that accepted me and i didn't care. Started smoking during the 8th grade for the first time, getting in trouble with authority, listening to that Rebel Music, and starting to hate the government and the world i live in. Then high school started, i had little friends and even that "Bad Crowd" started to drop me because i was socially inactive and not willing to open up to anyone. This is when i finally accepted that i am really sick with depression. I never told anyone to this day as I'm scared, and not even knowing what there is to be scared of. So i started to just go to school and sit alone and come home and hang with my family. As the 9th grade passed and here came summer, i was doing better because of not having to socialize with that many people. And here came the beginning of this year the 10th grade. The same old routine as always, but now I'm starting to hate my life even more, I was just to tired of the same old pain every single day. I am and was just an outcast in society no one seemed to care and as of this year i stopped caring. All this pain all this depression that i kept bottled up over my whole life is finally being released. I started to cut a little this year, i started to think about suicide the easy way out, started to rebel against everybody. As i look back through my life i see of no way of changing what i have become today, i was born socially inactive and an outcast in a cruel world. I sit thinking about all these years and just sit here and cry, i just want to cry all of this away, but it never does. So as i sit right here right now, its still the same and it always was and i no for a fact now that it will not change. So i sit here on the edge of life and death in my own hands asking myself the same questions everyday, Should i leave this world? Will anyone care if i leave? Why am i an outcast? Why am i different? Why cant my life be better?
  2. zetaf

    zetaf Well-Known Member

    These are the thoughts that lead me to be reading this site rather than sleeping right now. I know... I feel the same way... it's terrible like this sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach. You want to believe that things will get better and people will tell you this, but it's like you know deep down it won't... just seems more realistic... this is how I feel. But on the bright side you aren't alone. And hopefully that is a bit comforting.

    I think we might both use negative reinforcement tactics which end up being self-destructive. By that I mean that we avoid certain "normal" situations because we "know better" than to let ourselves be vulnerable, when the very things we are avoiding could be aiding in our recovery... it is kinda hypocritical for me to say this because I certainly haven't made much of an effort (mostly out of fear)... but I think it's the only way.
  3. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    I tried all the time to fix my social problem, but keep failing. At least us 'social outcasts' have each other.:wink: Oh Taxi Driver is a good movie to watch.
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2008