My Life Story

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by EricKeller2, Mar 1, 2008.

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  1. EricKeller2

    EricKeller2 New Member

    Well lets start. My names Eric. I'm 20 Years old and live in Stillwater, Oklahoma USA.

    I've had an very hard life. I don't know what to do. It doesn't get better. And please don't feed me that crap that it will get better or talk to someone or talk to God.

    I've attempted suicide once when I was 16, pill overdose (36 Tylenol). I ended up being found and driven to the hospital, tube drove down my throat (worst experience I have ever had). Hospitalized for 1 Day, released to a Treatment Center (MeadowLake) and released from there about two weeks later; friends all found out, didn't make fun of me just lost some friends.

    Mom told EVERYONE I knew about it, and when something like that happens you don't want everyone knowing because they will just think your weird.

    Okay, Why would I try to kill myself?

    My mother is a single mom, Dad rarely comes to see me (havent seen him in 3 Years, left messages on his phone. He doesn't give a shit.) 3 Sister's. No Brothers. 2nd to youngest. Quiet/Shy Guy. I'm probably one of the nicest guys you will ever meet. But very shy when I meet new people so it was kind of hard to make friends. I mean I've always had friends and stuff and was never considered a loser. I was the quiet guy. But considered the Cool guy too. Dont ask me why. Well Ive had a pretty difficult childhood. My mom moved alot. Went from guy to guy. Switched schools about 20 times. The guys my mom has dated pretty much were assholes and abused me or at least tryed to. One guy went and tryed to strangle me because he thought I was talking about him. He went to jail. My mom told me to lie to the court and say I hit him first. Almost went to Juvy. My mom has always dated guys she met off of the Internet since about the age of 13. I've never had a relationship that has lasted for over 2 months. Recently found out my ex-girlfriend was pregnant. I broke up with her and she told me after 2 months. We had a great relationship but I never got to see her because she lived about 30 minutes away and worked. Ive tried everything to get back together with her, she says shes confused and dont know what to say. I cried the first time in 4 years today because we talked today and she wouldn't take me back. I've also met the girl of my dreams. We are soul mates. Her name is Amanda. We met at the "Fair" two years ago and have been friends ever since but havent really started getting to know eachother until now. It has been a week since we have started talking and I LOVE everything about her. We would stay up til 5 AM just chatting on yahoo and on the webcam. I went to see her a couple days ago and we stayed up all night talking. I cant get her out of my head. But the problem is. She has a boyfriend. And they are kind of together, kind of not. I saw her myspace today and she's listed "In a relationship" again.

    I mean we still talk and everything and say we love eachother but I cant take it no more reading her bulletins talking about him and seeing pictures of him kissing her. Its driving me crazy.

    Alright, The one thing that has destroyed my life completely.

    My mom moved in with a "Internet boyfriend" a little over 2 Years Ago. They were going to get married. He had a son and we got along really well. Was the best time of my life. I had friends. A nice house. Was about to join the Military. One day he calls my mom into the room and says "it's not going to work out, you need to leave" We were shocked beyond belief. We had gotten rid of all our furniture. Spent loads of money. Was completely broke and had no vehicle. We asked him if he would help us get a place and get on our feet. He said no and gave us a week to leave. The next day my mom called me into the room and showed me this medicine box. I opened it and it was full of cash. My mom said that we should take some before we left because we had nothing and could risk losing my youngest sister because we had no place to go. I said no im not taking it. Finally after a couple days I went and took a big wad of cash out of it. I left, he found out the cash was missing. Freaked. My mom left to get my sister out of school then took a cab to the city. I took a cab also before her.. She had no idea where I was. I was at a motel. I went out of my room and saw my mom and my sister right around the corner. They checked in at the same motel and we somehow found each other just in time. We went to a different city because we were sure he had called the cops on us. We called my brother in-law and sister and told them what happened and they came and picked us up. (they were in kansas, we were in missouri). We went and bought new clothes, a computer, etc. We found an apartment to stay at for awhile. A few days later someone knocked at the door. My sister answered it and there was a bunch of police and they served a probable cause warrant and arrested me and my mom. My little sister went with my brother in law and sister. I spent a couple weeks in jail in Kansas then was extradited to the Missouri Jail. I spent 42 Days in there and took my plea bargain (5 Years Supervised Probation and to pay back restitution) Charge: Felony Theft >500$. I had never commited a crime before, even as a juvenile. I was released and had no where to go so spent 3 Days homeless and stayed at the shelter during the nights. I finally got ahold of my "Great Aunt" and she said I could stay with her but she didnt have any money that she could send me. My probation officer felt sorry for me and actually cryed when she saw me coming in there everyday knowing that I was only 18 and homeless. One probation officer went to the bank and payed for my bus fare down here and gave me some spending cash. I took the bus home and arrived back home at Stillwater, Oklahoma. I hadn't been here in almost 3 Years. My mom was released a couple months later with probation. We got our own place etc.

    Total money stolen: 8,400 (didnt realize it was that much til we counted it)

    Court Cost + Restitution etc.

    Me: 9,000$ (estimated, don't remember)
    Mom: 11,000$

    Fee's every month.

    Me: 100$, 40$ Probation
    Mom: 200$, 40$ Probation

    The money and furniture they seized upon our arrests.

    About 2,000$ Cash, about 3-4,000$ in New furniture, appliances.

    The officer I wrote my statement too also promised that I would recieve a deferred sentence which means that It would go off my record once I served my probation sentence.. Nope they gave me a Suspended Sentence which means FOREVER.

    Job Search.


    No one will hire me, I mean Im smart, very good at interviews but soon as they pull up my record = (sorry we cannot hire felons).

    I went and got my G.E.D too see if it would help me find jobs. Nope. Didn't help me at all.

    I've got my permit, Issued in 2004, Mom wont take me out to teach me how to drive even though ive got my permit. Sometimes I will sneak off with the car to teach myself. But stopped that since I got pulled over and got a warning. Went to go get my license the other day and one of the lights didnt work on the trunk so I couldnt take my test.

    Another thing that really put a struggle on my life is when we moved to California. We got kicked out by her boyfriend after a few months. My sister's husband said the army would take our stuff back to where he lived. They were living with us at the time and he had just re-enlisted and was going to say that all our stuff was their stuff. He lied. They never came and got it and we lost everything we had ever owned. I have no childhood pictures, nothing. So we basically had to start over right before we moved to Missouri (where we got into trouble at).

    I probably will be sent to prison soon because I still cant find a job. I did find one as a Data Entry Clerk because I lied about having a record. It was a very good job. But got fired because they found out about my record after 3 Months.

    I've got Osteo-Arthritis in my Spine, lower back and neck. I get extremely painful stomach aches everday. So I can only get a desk job somewhere and even so it is extremely painful and hard to concentrate. No medical insurance. Nothing.

    I have nothing.
    People dont care.
    Wont be even able to take care of my kid.
    Probably gunna have to pay child support soon.
    Still live with my parents and just turned 20.
    No stable job history.
    Cant join the military.
    No Car.


    I think I am going to commit suicide soon. I mean life is just too hard for me. I'm one of the nicest guys you will ever meet., tryed as hard as I can to better myself. Prayed. Went to church.

    Im sure most people wont read this because it is very long but for those of you who have read all of it. I appreciate it. And would like some feedback. I dont know what youre supposed to say to me. bah whatever. reply lol. :wink:
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Wow, it seems like life has not been kind to you at all. I'm not really sure what I can say, I'm not too good at the whole advice thing, but my PM box is open if you need an ear, or an eye, in this case.
  3. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Hi mate, I read all of your post. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles and the predicament you find yourself in. That is really harsh man, you sound like a really nice guy, I'm sorry things haven't been going better for you.

    How come you can't join the army, is that because of the criminal record, if so that is ridiculous.

    Life is really a struggle sometimes.

    I hope you find a company that gives you a chance with your criminal record, I mean everybody makes mistakes in life it is a shame that it is affecting your employment prospects as you're obviously a caring & smart person. I don't know what it is like in the US but over here most companies won't check the criminal record, only for certain types of job. I do data-entry work myself sometimes and it is very uncomfortable, I get a really bad neck when I'm stuck on a computer all day. You've already stated you've got medical problems with your spine so could you get on any sickness benefit or is it all insurance based over there.

    Life is cruel and unfair, you have had a very difficult life growing up but we have to try to deal with it as best we can and move forwards on our own path.

    You'll have meaningful things in your life, the love for your child, the love of your girlfriend and the love of your family. You just need to be able to support yourself now and make the best future for yourself that you can.

    Don't give up on this life, I know it is fucking shit sometimes but don't let it grind you down, be strong and resilient. You have had a lot of bad luck in your life, so now there must be some good luck due for you.

    Take care & good luck with everything, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and I'll even say a prayer (even though I'm not religious).

    I hope things improve for you soon.
  4. EricKeller2

    EricKeller2 New Member

    Wow I cant believe you read all of it. Thank you very much, I appreciate the insight.

    Well I've contacted recruiter's and they say I have to have completed probation and payed back all pending court fee's.

    That's 8,000$ that I don't have. I have very poor - no credit at all so a loan is out of the question. If I do end up getting it payed off I will be released off probation though. At least I think so. Missouri is really harsh with their laws. At 17 you as charged as an adult no matter what. Well yeah some dont check backgrounds, but it is my responsibility to check yes on "Felony Charges" on the application and they have to know I'm on probation so it's pretty much useless. If I did lie. My probation officer could call down there anytime to check if they knew I was a convicted Felon. My mom got's a job but she did lie and she has ALOT of work experience and co-worker's with whom she's worked for in the past. I have basically no experience working and Im 20 years old so they think I am not a "solid" worker.

    I've applied at job's with the most least requirements e.g. "Macdonald's" to the most high top job's that require a resume. I've attended Work Shop classes to help improve my job searching and interviewing. I tried to attend "JobCorp" and they said they could not enroll me there because I was still on probation and had pending court fee's.

    My probation officer is very strict and often lies to me saying she has plenty felon's working for a company and I go apply there and they shoot me down. She just doesn't understand that I am trying my HARDEST to get my life straight and it is just not her that is pounding on me everyday to get a job. I get tired of people always saying "Get a job, Eric" "you're lazy, get a freaking job" "Stop living off your parents". !!! It drives me crazy..

    There is nothing that can help me. I have been to every program, done hours upon hours of research. My life just sucks. That's the bottom line. Yeah im sure it's not as bad as living in some countries but It is still hard. Especially in America. You're expected to be someone. You're expected to finish high school, college, get married, have kids, and work the rest of your life until you can retire.

    The only step I have completed is High School. I've already got a kid on the way. Child Support probably. May go to prison soon if I dont have a job. It's just too damn stressful, you know? I dont think I have the guts to kill myself because I would worry too much about ending up brain dead or getting sent to a facility like before and losing friends. Even though you shouldn't lose friends, you should gain them and have people be caring and nice to you, but that's not the way it is anymore.

    I just miss being a damn kid and not having anything to worry about except your mom's boyfriend trying to beat you up or him molesting your sisters.

    Im not trying to make people feel sorry for me so please dont. I just wanna get some of these things out of my system that's been bothering me for years and years.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 1, 2008
  5. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Hi Eric

    Man, I just don't know what to say.

    That is really harsh, I didn't realise how much a criminal record affects job prospects and can also determine whether you goto prison or not.

    I can relate to how you feel, my life isn't going great either.

    I don't really have any wise words or nothing, all I can do is lend an ear and offer my friendship.

    It makes me angry that society isn't giving you the chance you deserve.

    Life really sucks sometimes but please don't give up hope.

    Take care & best wishes

  6. EricKeller2

    EricKeller2 New Member

    Yeah no problem man. Wasn't expecting much of anything from anybody as there is not really much to say. Ha. Yeah it really affects anything you do nowadays. Thanks for reading and for your prayer =]
  7. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Hi Eric

    Most people on these boards have there own problems and as such can relate to the difficulties you find yourself in. They can offer you support, we can all help each other through these hard times.

    Just know that people do care about what you're going through.

    I haven't said a prayer since I was at school but I'll say one for both of us tonight even though I'm agnostic.

    Here is something which somebody else posted on the boards a while back.

    Click this

    I think you know nobody has any magic spells on these boards to help you, they only work on World of Warcraft. Ultimately the only person that can really help yourself is you, but I know it seems like the world is against you sometimes.

    Take care my friend, I hope you get a job soon, PM me if you ever want to talk
  8. EricKeller2

    EricKeller2 New Member

    I found this on my son's history a day after he committed suicide. Never knew he felt this way, he could of came to me for help.


    Eric Keller
  9. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    omg I'm so sorry, I wish I would have chosen wiser words.

    I fucking hate the pressures of this society, it is so unfair.

    You will be missed Eric, when I get to heaven I'm gonna come and find you mate.

    RIP Eric Keller

    I'm sorry I failed you
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    to eric's mom - i'm so sorry to read about your loss. such a tragedy.

    mark- your words were kind and thoughtful. don't blame yourself if you were unable to reach eric. he was struggling hard with this. your compassionate, understanding words seemed to be of some comfort.

  11. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Thanks catherine, I tried but failed, I think my approach was wrong, he was not unsavable but unfortunately I was not upto the job.

    Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking hell, fuck this shit world in which we live.

    Eric, I hope you are at peace my friend, I will not forget you, may God rest your soul.
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Mark, sent you a PM.
  13. Sylar

    Sylar Well-Known Member

  14. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    What a cruel world we live in.

    There is not enough caring in society.

    The human race needs gene therapy or there is no hope for mankind.
  15. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    I don't think I'd make a good suicide counsellor :doh:

    I really should have done better, I had a chance to make a difference in somebodies life and I failed miserably with words offering no practical advice whatsoever. I have high expectations of myself, and needless to say I'm disappointed even though I know there was basically nothing that I could have done. I really connected with the way Eric was feeling, I wish we could have been friends longer.

    I respect your decision though Eric, you must have had a lot of pride and been a honourable person, it must have took a lot of courage, and I admire that.

  16. peapod

    peapod Member

    RIP, I cant believe it
  17. oxygenidia

    oxygenidia Well-Known Member

    Don't blame yourself, the important thing is that we are all here for eachother, nobody has any magical words that are going to keep a stranger from killing himself if he really wants to....

    Anyway, this made me very sad to read. There is somehow a feeling of wanting to be there for a person even though you didn't know him.

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