My life, such that it is

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jrr, Sep 14, 2010.

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  1. jrr

    jrr New Member

    I've never been actively suicidal but I've always sort of seen it at the end of my road. I'm currently in my early twenties and I guess I've been depressed since I was in third or fourth grade and have probably been severely depressed since I was 14 or 15.

    I remember as a child I was picked on for being been fat. It honestly wasn't very bad, I was big enough to discourage anything beyond simple name calling and being ignored by the "cool kids", but it absolutely destroyed my self-esteem. Honestly looking back I wasn't fat growing up, I was tall for my age, I had big shoulders, and a little baby fat, but I always felt like I was fat. Since then I've gotten fatter, intellectually I know I'm not grotesquely obese, I have the body type of a linesman, but I feel that way.

    I'm a single child and my parents have always been slightly nomadic, neither of my parents, separated before I was old enough to remember, could stay in one place for very long without getting restless. I've moved seven times during K-12. I was never popular in elementary school, but I always had at least one friend to hang around with, I generally became the sidekick to someone else though.

    My mother raised me by herself. She was always independent and outgoing, the type of person who could go into a room full of strangers and come out with lifelong friends. She was easily my best friend growing up. She always treated me like an adult who had his own thoughts and feelings instead of like a kid who wasn't old enough to have opinions on things and should do as he was told, which made her to my young eyes the most awesome person in existence.

    When I was eleven she was diagnosed with cervical cancer.

    She was very upfront with me about it, she didn't try to hide it. She explained exactly what was wrong with her, that it was potentially fatal but was one of the more survivable cancers, something like a 80-90 percent 5 year survival rate.

    She got the tumor removed and started on radiation soon after. After the radiation they couldn't tell if they got it all so they did an exploratory surgery which reveled that it had since spread and they would have to do a complete hysterectomy then restart radiation. She didn't tell me and I didn't ask but I believe that at this point she turned down chemotherapy against medical recommendations as she was a bit new agey didn't like the thought of flooding her body with poison.

    After the second round of radiation she had been battling cancer for the better part of a year and things weren't going so well. She got pretty fed up with the doctors and the radiation sickness and started started looking for alternative medical solutions. She found some place in Ohio that had some experimental treatment which I've since come to realize was probably just a big scam. She went there with my grandma for about a month if I recall correctly while I stayed with my dad because of school. It was pretty much down hill from there.

    At the time I don't think it really sunk in how bad she got. I knew she was getting worse but she was my mom, there was absolutely no way she wouldn't find a way to pull though. Even when she was completely bed ridden and the only medical assistance she was getting was hospice I still thought she would end up making it. She ended up dieing a few months before I turned 13. The way her final hours were explained to me was that she slipped into a coma some time early in the morning then died within a few hours. She was conscious the night before, and she had a home morphine drip, and had been very depressed towards the end, so while I don't know for sure, I think she may have committed suicide.

    After she died I never really got sad or weepy I just sort of stopped caring. I'd moved around a lot as a kid and really my only confidant died so I guess I took to heart from that was that people are temporary and it hurts less if you just don't form attachments to them.

    My dad, who was involved in my life but I was never very close with, took me and I drifted though middle school. I started spending all of my free time playing an MMORPG that shall remain nameless, for the most part I ignored my homework in favor of said MMO. I have always been smart and at this point I started getting "[name] is intelligent but does not apply himself." and "[name] is a pleasure to have in class but needs to work on getting his homework turned in." written all over my report cards. The only homework I turned in was the stuff I finished in class or study hall, I really only passed because I could do so well on the tests without studying.

    My dad was in his late fifties at the time he took me in and had already raised two children into adulthood, plus he was always a little bit of an emotionally distant guy so even though he tried his best to get me to apply myself in life it was a little beyond his capabilities, especially after my mother's death.

    At this point I still had friends I hung out with but I kept them at arms distance. Things stay much the same until halfway though my freshmen year when my dads restlessness kicks in he moves us again. It was the first switch of school districts since my mother's death and I just didn't try at all to make friends. I read novels though boring classes and played the MMO at home. I would keep in contact with my old friends though IM and would visit occupationally but I had already been keeping them at arms length and we just drifted further and further apart.

    After that I just didn't care about school at all and I started skipping and just staying home at least once a week. Halfway though my sophomore year I became aware of a new online high school for home-schooling and convinced my dad to sign me up. He did and I think I logged on to the thing once. So by by the end of the year I was officially a drop out. At some point after dropping out I got bored with the MMO and started just spending my time surfing the net, reading, watching tv and sleeping. I've been doing that ever since. I've spent the better part of five years in my bed with a laptop. We have since moved closer to my friends from middle school and high school so I shower and get out of the house one night a week to hang out with them.

    Now I'm a dropout in my early twenties with no marketable skills and absolutely no work experience and my dad recently lost his primary source of income so we are soon to be broke, our only income coming from his social security checks. My self-esteem is completely nonexistent and really the only end I've seen for sometime is death. In the past it's always been some point not terribly far into the future, possibly when my somewhat frail dad kicks it, but now we are running out of money and, I just don't know...
  2. Tome811

    Tome811 Member

    Since you're built like a linebacker, one job you might try to look into is working as a corrections officer in the local county jail. If you haven't been involved with drugs and can pass a polygraph, you might get work there. Or, for starters, work with the food supplier to the jail(s). I worked for a company within the jail and it was one of the most interesting jobs I'd ever had. I couldn't do the polygraph as I'd done drugs in my past. Some places might not be as strict as to you having NEVER been involved with drugs.

    Good luck to you finding work soon.
  3. jrr

    jrr New Member

    Thanks for the reply, unfortunately I have a rather submissive personality which I wouldn't think would fit well in a jail.
  4. fallingangie

    fallingangie Well-Known Member

    I can understand. Try getting jobs and join some college all over again for a can take loan for the fees. As for the self-esteem, try visiting councellors..might help. You need to be more positive and believe in yourself at this point in life, in order to make things better for yourself and family. Quit thinking about the past or the negative aspects of your life, but rather focus on life as a positive opportunity that is willing to provide you with education, career prospects, maybe finding true love and making lots of great friends.
    Remember one thing, we all have our ups and downs in life, but if we only choose to look at the downs, then the good stuffs might never come. The real looser is not the one who fails, but is the one who never trys. Keep trying..tell yourself that you are going to change for the better, and work on it.
    God bless and Cheers!
  5. Ripx

    Ripx Well-Known Member

    i can relate somewhat. i havent lost a parent as you have, but ive always been a self isolating person, so my relationship with anyone, including my parents, is pretty much nonexistent. im also in my early twenties (turned 24 last month) and have no work experience, no skills, and ZERO confidence. the only positive thing in my life is that my sister recently got married, and is now pregnant.... how that affects my life? well, it doesnt, but im happy to see at least someone in this failure called a family might have a semblance of normalcy in their life.

    I really admire your ability to cope with the loss of your mother, i always told myself (at the age of 13) that if my mother died on me, i would most certainly kill myself. She's in her mid fifties now, and a former breast cancer patient. she is also very prone to emotional instability, and is on meds now because of it. she takes SO MANY pills, in so many different forms, that i simply do not see her living into a ripe old age. God i hope she does, and i hope she outlives me. i love her.

    anyways, sorry to babble. just curious, were about do you live?
  6. Monsieur

    Monsieur Well-Known Member

    It's a jarring dichotomy in life. To either face a frightening and uncertain future which may hold progress but still turmoil, or to retreat back to a safe, comforting isolated existence of stagnation. You sound like a smart guy jrr. Trust me, I've seen some college students with some rather atrocious writing. It doesn't have to end this way man; you don't have to take giant leaps such as getting a GED and then community college, but to the very least perhaps you can start with setting a routine for yourself, get out of the house once in a while. Eventually you could get a part time job to help get some extra cash for your family. Just one step at a time. I hope things better for you.

    Take care.
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