my life sucks and the pain is too much tonight....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by White Dove, Aug 1, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    My life is wasted.. it sucks... I am not worth anything to anyone and you know i even gave a letter to another minister today to say that in a few i am going to do it because i have a troubled mind and spirit because there is no way to make peace with the daltons because i have tried and it has failed.. And you know what he did? he just shrugged it off i assume , cause he said nothing to me... Perhaps he thinks i wont do it??? Perhaps he dont really care at all?? Oh well , guess him and the Daltons will soon find out i did it...

    I have honestly tried to make peace and I sent several letters only to have them come back refused.. If they do not want a letter from me and refuse it then they will not speak with me either even if i did call them... I told the minister i spoke with tonight that this troubled me yet it seems so unfair... I DID NOTHING WRONG YET OTHERS BELIEVE I DID... MY NIECE DID IT AND I FEEL SO GUILTY IN MY MIND BECAUSE I LET HER USE MY COMPUTER.. IF I HAD NOT LET HER USE THE COMPUTER THEN PEOPLE WOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN HURT , ETC...

    WHY DO THEY HATE ME SO MUCH??? WHY CANT THEY SEE? WHY CANT THEY UNDERSTAND?? I WANT TO JUST DIE.. I REALLY WANT TO JUST DIE...

    DAY AFTER DAY OF THIS IS KILLING ME INSIDE... THE EMOTIONAL PAIN , THEN I GOT THE PHYSICAL PAIN OF THIS CANCER THAT IS BEGINING TO HURT MORE AGAIN CAUSE I AM NOW OUT OF THE PAIN MEDS THAT WERE GIVEN TO ME... I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE..

    i know others online here think i am strong , but i am not at all strong.. i am trying to be but the pain pushes harder and harder at me all the time... if i was dealing with one pain and one pain only then i know i could have a fighting chance but the only way to end one of the pains is for the Daltons to at least talk with me , at let me know that they do not hate me....

    WHY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR??

    WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO DO??

    THE LONGER IT GOES THE MORE HARDER THE PAIN HITS ME..

    IS THIS WHAT YOU BOTH WANT? ARE YOU ENJOYING SEEING ME HURT?

    DOES IT NOT CROSS YOUR MIND AT ALL?

    I GIVE YOU TODAY...AND THEN I GIVE UP...

    I CANT TAKE THIS PAIN ANYMORE.. I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.. I ONLY GOT PARTS OF IT AND I THINK I KNOW BUT NOT FOR SURE... MY MIND IS IN TERRIABLE PAIN BECAUSE I AM PARTLY TO BLAME BECAUSE I LET MY NIECE USE MY COMPUTER.. I AM DYING ANYWAY BY CANCER AND I AM GOING TO BE DEAD SOON SO WHY SHOULD I NOT GO ON AND END IT??? AT LEAST IT WILL GET SHED OF THE PAIN, GET SHED OF ALL MY TEARS... AND THEN YOU CAN LAUGH ALL YOU WANT TO WHEN I AM GONE AND WHEN YOU SEE MY LAYING IN THAT COFFIN

    I NEED MY MIND AT EASE BUT YOU SEEM TO NOT WANT TO DO THAT..

    i am so weak right now... weak because i do not know how much longer i can fight this... i am going to take the method with me when i go camping and if i feel drunk enough and brave enough i guess i will go on and do it.... i stayed fighting because i thought you cared... but the more and more that i look at it i can see that you and Elaine never cared at all and i can see just how a fool i was.

    I HAVE TRIED MAKING PEACE BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT GOD REQUIRES BUT LOOKS LIKE I CAN NOT DO THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO... I HAVE TRIED.. I HONESTLY HAVE TRIED.. I HAVE PRAYED MANY NIGHTS , AND MANY TEARS HAVE BEEN SHED BECAUSE I REALLY DID NOT NEED THIS HANGING OVER MY MIND AND SPIRIT BUT I CANT VERY WELL MAKE PEACE WITHOUT THE COOPERATION OF YOU BOTH AND ITS TIME I THROUGH IN THE TOWEL.

    IM SORRY.. I TRULY AM SORRY.. I SEE NOTHING BUT WHAT COMES NEXT FOR ME ANYHOW SO MIGHT AS WELL MAKE IT QUICKER AND GET OUT OF THE PAIN...

    YOU WANT ME TO STAY THEN YOU BOTH ARE GONNA HAVE TO TELL ME... YOU HAVE TODAY AT MY HOUSE OR AT THE CAMPGROUND THIS WEEKEND... I KNOW IF I GET DRUNK ENOUGH I CAN GET THE NERVE TO DO IT...

    i tried making peace.. i honestly to God tried but knowing my life and the way things always go for me i should have known it would never happen.. i should have known that you both never loved me.. i should have known not to let my niece use the computer , i should have known...... but i trusted like so many times before...

    will i do it this weekend????

    I CANT GIVE YOU AN HONEST ANSWER TO THAT BECAUSE THAT DEPENDS UPON SOME THINGS..

    1 = IT DEPENDS UPON ME GETTING DRUNK ENOUGH AND GETTING MY NERVES UP TO DO IT.

    2 = IT DEPENDS UPON RATHER OR NOT YOU CONTACT ME BEFORE I LEAVE AND LET ME KNOW THAT YOU DO NOT HATE ME CAUSE RIGHT NOW THAT IS HOW I SEE THINGS AND THAT IS HOW IT APPEARS TO ME THAT YOU BOTH HATE ME AND DIFFENTLY DO NOT WANT ME TO HAVE A PEACEFUL MIND AND SPIRIT OR ELSE YOU WOULD HAVE DONE SO ALREADY , SO I GUESS I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT...

    AND 3 = IT DEPENDS UPON HOW BAD MY HURT AND EMOTIONS COME ON AND HOW BAD THE PAIN OF THIS CANCER IS.,.

    SORRY SF , but i am not the strong dove that you think i am... i am but a weak little dove with a broken heart , a troubled mind , a troubled body and a troubled spirit... And pain that goes beyond what i can even mention here...
     
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    It hurts me to see how much pain you're in, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

    I don't want you to go. I know we will lose you to the cancer someday ((I hate that damned disease- it takes everybody)), but I don't believe that you should go on a camping trip.

    I will miss you if you go. I will miss you terribly. If you saw my reply in your other thread, I said that I believed that everything will turn out alright in the end. I honestly believe that God will not let you suffer to the end. Wrongs will be made right. The mental and emotional suffering will disappear. Amends will be made.

    :hug: I love you, hang on!
     
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    hey , i have never been camping before and it will be just me and nature.. i like to fish so maybe i will buy a 3 day lisence and fish for a while by the water... it seems to be so peaceful when i am at the water....

    amends wont be made without the willing party of another and besides i think thats what they want for me and from me... they wanted me out of their life and i stayed away.. they never called to see how i was doing yet they both knew how i thought of them.. they just wanted nothing to do with me and now well i will be out of their lifes..

    i got to do this.. i just got to and i dont know if you can even understand it but i hope you do.. ?????

    i need this for me....
     
  4. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

     
  5. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    sorry what ur going through and what u have gone through. i know what ur emotions are. hun you can fight through this trust me :)
    HAVE A LITTLE faith hun...
     
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