I'm eighteen. I've been browsing these forums on a weekly basis since I was fifteen or so. I feel guilty when I blame my endless depression on my current situation, because I know there are people who are far less fortunate. After all, I am in a home with food. I even have a car. Not everyone can claim that. The truth is my life fucking sucks, and I think I have good reasons why. If I'm wrong, please let me know. I'll go back to the psychiatrist and actually fill my Prozac prescription, numbing my emotions into oblivion. My life sucks because: 1. I suffer from a skin condition that makes me develop a rash from heat. This can be triggered by something as simple as laughing. The solution? Load up on a minimum of four pills of Benadryl for a few hours relief. There is no cure and I've had this for years. 2. I've become completely dependent on Benadryl for the mellow feeling it produces in high doses. I take far more Benadryl than I need to in order to control my skin problem. This is probably destroying my body and my brain, I've been doing this for years. 3. I'm an eighteen year old virgin who has never had a girlfriend, or even a hug, from the opposite sex. I doubt I ever will. I think just a hug would feel so incredibly good. At the same time I fucking hate people because they are transforming the Earth into a global shit hole. 4. I'm a senior in high school. I was bullied in elementary school, middle school, and still am today. 5. As a result, I have zero confidence and extreme social anxiety to the point I tremble constantly around people. I have to struggle to keep the muscles in my neck and my hands from shaking uncontrollably. This makes a job seem impossible. 6. Now I shake even when alone and I don't know how to make this stop. 7. I'm fucking ugly and have had an acne problem over my face, back, and arms for years. No medications or obsessive cleanliness has helped. I'm pale because I never go outside. 8. Every school day, I will myself out of bed at 6 AM and drive to my high school in the freezing cold dark. There I go to overcrowded classes in trailers and I am watched by black security orbs in the hallways. Barbed fence surrounds the gates. Call it a school but it's a prison. 9. I smoke and drink daily because these activities give me a little bit of relief from my terrible life. I know smoking is probably killing me, but the fact is I don't care. That would be permanent relief. 10. I've completely lost my faith in any God but for some reason still believe in Hell. 11. I am paranoid of going insane and I am afraid I already have. 12. I've watched the area I grew up in be transformed from a small neighborhood into nothing but row upon row of subdivisions and lanes of traffic. Light pollution has made the sky a murky grey, there's construction everywhere, and frankly this place looks like Hell and I'm sick of it. 13. I have only a small handful of friends and I fear they are only my friends because they pity me and don't want to see me kill myself. 14. Suffered from insomnia for as long as I can remember and I am constantly sleep deprived. My siblings have dropped out of school so I am the only one set to receive a diploma at this rate. One has considered suicide and is now on antidepressants and counseling. Both my parents have to work all day to pay our rent even though they are well in their fifties. I don't think they will ever retire. This planet is Hell for the vast majority of people. Even in the "wealthy" industrialized countries we work our entire lives. CEO's earn six hundred times what the average worker earns. We work for a year to go on vacation for a weekend and experience life the way it is supposed to be. I've been suicidal for years and the only reason I don't kill myself is the pain it would cause my already fucked family. My future will be nothing but more of the same shit in college followed by being a lonely wage slave until I die just like everyone else.