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My life, the rollercoaster.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shatteredxhope, Apr 22, 2009.

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  1. Hey all... Found this site through google, and I really just needed to rant and talk to someone.

    I've been dealing with manic depression since I was a young child. I believe that I inherited from my mother or something, and half my family has it too....My life has been extremely hard. I am 23 years old, still don't know where I am going in my life, newly married, and feeling like I'm worth nothing. I have been molested by two people in my family, I have been brutally beaten by both my mother and an ex, and I have been emotionally scarred by every name in the book that has been thrown at me. My whole family hates me and don't even care I exist (on both sides), and I'm never goo enough for anyone else either. I have been abandoned by long term friends (And I'm talking about 5-6 people ditching me at once because of viscious lies being spead about me) 3 of them being my best friends, who prefer dick over meaningful relationships, thrown on the streets, made fun of, and harassed because I am outspoken and easily trampled on. I am often made out to be the bad guy when in fact I'm the one who tries to do right....My luck is horribly off, I can never seem to make it to the outlined shading of happiness, and it eats at me everyday. I feel that although my husband is deeply in love with me, that it is a matter of time before he leaves me because of my emotional baggage (Although he says he would never do that). I feel suicidal daily. If I wasn'r such a pussy, I would have already hurt myself. I feel useless, alone, and rejected. I feel ugly, disgusting, and unwanted. I wish all this pain would stop, I hate feeling like a loser :(
  2. loudecibels

    loudecibels Member

    Hey there Shattered. Just had to say I signed up to this service brand new myself. I haven't been through quite as much as you, but I think its safe to say once you feel suicidal, you relate to the rest of us who have been in the depths at nearly the same level. I left all of my friends, too, and I'd actually say that you're better off leaving them behind judging by how they translate your communication with them. Also, look to your husband for all the love you need in this world from here on out. Families are there to love and support, not pick on the ones they want because they don't fit their mold of what a daughter should be in their eyes. We are all humans, flawed and fragile in our own ways, and if your husband was capable of seeing through the BS that your "friends" and family have a problem with, the odds are that there are others out there who will respect you in time. Till then keep your head up and forget the rest, other than your husband.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Just wanted to agree with loudecibels..Hold your head high.. There are always assholes out there who want to drag you down because they are insecure themselves..Focus on your husband and the love he has brought along with him..You will make new friends.. Just write the old ones off, you don't need them id they can't be supportive and caring...
  4. I really appreciate the kind words. Some days I just feel like crying until I have nothing left inside of me. I just feel like I'm such an outcast, but I know that I have so much to give. People often misunderstand me, and I just don't know why. Sounds pretty bad, but sometimes I hate people so much that fury engulfs my whole body, and I want to inflict harm on everything. I just don't understand how people get such pleasure in hurting people for nothing. Ugh.
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest


    I can relate to the family thing at least on some level. I wrote off my sister a long time ago.

    I too suffer from manic depression, so we have something else in common.

    You will find a lot of people here, that while not going thru exactly the same issues, are or have been suicidal at one point or another.

    You can and will meet new friends. People come in and out of our lives. Dont worry about that for now. I agree to seek the love of your hubby and lean on us!

    that's why we are here! :biggrin:
  6. It's good to know that people at least understand what I am going through. Sometimes it's hard to rely on individuals with my feelings. They are quick to back stab ya, lol. I'm really starting to think I am cursed. Ugh. However, I am supposed to move to FLorida in six months, so hopefully I can meet more people there. *shrug*
  7. loudecibels

    loudecibels Member

    I think an important key that I left out was to just be yourself and stick with those who accept who you are. Sometimes we're quick to judge ourselves too harshly as being the problem in a group of people who often cut us down, and we forget what our worth was. Use this trip to just let loose and try your best to use good judgement on the people around you and you'll see yourself grow over time. Best of luck!
  8. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    added to all the PPs, remember u have a husband who luvs u dearly for what u r!! so concentrate on that first.

    reg the friends, well, were they reallyfriends?? no hun.. friends dont drag u down. they always pull u up. so no point fretting about them.

    hang in there.. and wait for the move to florida. and u can start with a clean slate there!

    and no, u r not cursed. we all meet a lot of 'screwballs' on the way. some of us happen to meet more than the others. u just have to identify those n move away from them.

    and hun if ur husband is ur biggest strength, u will have to bcome his. just drink from his positivity and start feeling better. its so difficult to find someone to luv n cherish u. so forget those that cause u pain n hang on to those that want to give u happiness

    take care n b safe
  9. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi...welcome to the forum.

    you have been given some top-notch advice and positive support! all of it is very sound, and the biggest thing that sticks out, to me, is yes, BE YOURSELF.

    surround yourself with ONLY people who will accept you as you are.
    family can truly suck sometimes. you were treated horribly. leave them behind and move on with your life with your husband.

    create the kind of life you want - the one you truly deserve.

    i hope you stay here, and lean on us for support. . . feel free to pm if you want to talk
    we care what happens to you - :hug:
  10. You guys are right. I guess the reason why it hurts so bad is because I invested so much time into these people, doing everything I possibly could to be the best friend I could possibly be, and then they just turned around and trashed me. I suppose it really hurts my ego, and it doesn't help that my 43 year old mother hangs out with them and bad talks me :/ I'm just sick of being called a liar, when in fact I'm always being honest! I miss the old times where families were important and stuck close together. Now it's so hard to find a family that will stick strong no matter what. Oh well. Just was having another bad day, hope all of yours are good!
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