my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ryan., Jan 10, 2013.

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  1. ryan.

    ryan. Well-Known Member

    Hello, my name is Ryan. I'm 20 years old and a university student. I'm going to be blunt: I suffer from dysthmic depression, suicidal tendencies (I'm also a cutter) and I abuse drugs, mostly alcohol and am (or on my way) to becoming an alcoholic. I hate myself, this world and existence. Most night when I fall asleep the last thing which runs through my head is how I hope to not wake up in the morning and when I eventually open my eyes for the first time in the AM my usual thought is fuck.

    Where to begin. While I didn't know it at the time, depression first began to take hold of me when I graduated highschool, that was about 3 years ago, although it wasn't till fairly recently when I got my first diagnosis. It was really an eye opener for me, because I could never figure out why I felt the way I did, or what was wrong with me; I thought it was just the way I was. I don't want to sound insensitive or hurt anyone with this following statement (and am really speaking out of ignorance, since I don't have MDD) but I am envious of the people who have MDD. With dysthmia it's really the monotony of existence which is so unbearable, there are no crazy highs and crazy lows (I crave those swings) its simply the same feeling over and over and over.

    A while ago I began to take active steps in my recovery. Things were seemingly going good: I found a therapist that I liked, I began taking meds. In retrospect, for me personally, meds were a horrible decision. They made my suicidal thoughts 10x worse and I began cutting myself. I had literally never even entertained the idea of cutting myself before, until one day, almost randomly I got up and went and broke open a razor. 2 days after stopping taking my meds, I felt as if I was alive for the first time in months. I realize other people may have different opinions on meds and I realize it takes alot of people many different tries till they find what works for them, but the whole experience soured my opinion on them. I won't ever take meds again.

    While I am a recreational drug user (never had any issues or addictions forming) I do get high sometimes to deal with my problems (or not deal with them). However my alcohol intake is my real coping mechanism. I can't seem to stop and it (alcohol) seems to be the only thing which temporarily, albeit, lessens the pain. Nothing that I have ever tried numbs you and removes the ability to think about your issues like alcohol. I've been on a heavy drinking binge for probably over a year now, going most nights (there have been a few spaces in between where I wasn't drinking, but probably 5 days at the most) drinking myself to sleep.

    On most days, unless I am engaging in escapism (reading, playing music, watching movies) the only thoughts that run through my head are how much I hate myself and how I should kill myself. I've never actually attempted, although I've came close in the past. Death literally never leaves my mind and if it was up to me I wouldn't have ever gained consciousness in the first place. My mother would of been better off having an abortion. My parents were too young anyways.

    I hate the person I am. I know that I'm not being the son, brother, boyfriend, friend or student that I can be. I'm scared of the effects my drinking is going to have on my body if I continue down this road and in all honesty, I don't see myself ever stopping to drink (which is why I have to get it under control if I'm going to live). I just really want this shit to end. I'm sick of life and sick of not being able to trust my own head; its a scary and sobering realization once you realize that you can't trust your own thoughts. If I owned a gun I wouldn't be here today, the main reason I haven't killed myself is due to the fact that I can't figure out how the hell I can do it. Who would of thought it could be so hard?

    I just want it to end. Depression (even if I learn to manage it better) is something I'll have to live with my whole life, its never going away. I don't want to let the mental illness beat me, but at the same time I'm tired. Tired of fighting it, tired of disappointing myself and those who for some reason see something in me beyond the fuck up that I am, tired of existence. Even if I choose to not end my life in the foreseeable future, I've always thought that I'd end up killing myself later in life anyways; its my inevitable conclusion. Anyways I'm going to stop ranting now cause I'm tired of typing and want to lay down.
  2. jnick

    jnick Well-Known Member

    I can relate to so much of what you say. I am 35 and have seen alcoholism eat my career and relationships apart. With that said you have time on your side and recovery is possible, you just have to want it. Therein lies the problem for most of the dually diagnosed (mental illness and substance abuse). We know we need to stop but see no light at the end of the tunnel due to the depression, so we do not "want" sobriety for it just sounds like a more acute depression is coming once we sober up. Well, the good news is that it is very possible and you can live a very fulfilling life if you so choose. The tough part is you must get your alcohol consumption under control to address the depression. It is a two headed beast and I completely understand. I used to drink to slow my head down, which only exacerbated the problem making me feel worse and convincing me that I needed to drink more. It is pure insanity to keep drinking and drinking. We know this but we continue. The cycle has to be broken at some point if any light is ever to be let in.

    You seem to be a very articulate person and I know we have discussed writing and other things before. Don't waste that talent, you can use it to help others and to accomplish whatever you like in life. Give yourself a chance Ryan, you deserve it. Perspectives can drastically change, and however far fetched that may sound to you at the moment, i'm telling you that its true. Hang in there man.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2013
  3. ryan.

    ryan. Well-Known Member

    That actually raises a great point I think Joshua. I've always considered my drinking a by product of my mental health issues. I was really never much of a drinker until before I got depressed and I used it as a way to cope with what I was feeling. I kinda always thought that my drinking would slow down after I successfully dealt with my mental health; however as you said its probably best to get my alcohol consumption under control so I can then take on my depression. I'm not going to be very good at dealing with my depression when I'm smashed every night. I definitely do realize that this cycle has to be broken, it's a vicious one at that.

    Thanks for the compliment and the encouragement. I do plan on using my writing as not only a tool to help with my depression but also an outlet to potentially help others. I can think of a few different books which helped to make myself feel less 'weird' or 'crazy' at times; 'notes from the underground' comes to mind. I've been planning on documenting my mental health issues for a creative non-fiction contest being put on through CBC in Canada at the moment. Hopefully I start to tackle that one of these days, which will hopefully be cathartic.
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