Hello, my name is Ryan. I'm 20 years old and a university student. I'm going to be blunt: I suffer from dysthmic depression, suicidal tendencies (I'm also a cutter) and I abuse drugs, mostly alcohol and am (or on my way) to becoming an alcoholic. I hate myself, this world and existence. Most night when I fall asleep the last thing which runs through my head is how I hope to not wake up in the morning and when I eventually open my eyes for the first time in the AM my usual thought is fuck. Where to begin. While I didn't know it at the time, depression first began to take hold of me when I graduated highschool, that was about 3 years ago, although it wasn't till fairly recently when I got my first diagnosis. It was really an eye opener for me, because I could never figure out why I felt the way I did, or what was wrong with me; I thought it was just the way I was. I don't want to sound insensitive or hurt anyone with this following statement (and am really speaking out of ignorance, since I don't have MDD) but I am envious of the people who have MDD. With dysthmia it's really the monotony of existence which is so unbearable, there are no crazy highs and crazy lows (I crave those swings) its simply the same feeling over and over and over. A while ago I began to take active steps in my recovery. Things were seemingly going good: I found a therapist that I liked, I began taking meds. In retrospect, for me personally, meds were a horrible decision. They made my suicidal thoughts 10x worse and I began cutting myself. I had literally never even entertained the idea of cutting myself before, until one day, almost randomly I got up and went and broke open a razor. 2 days after stopping taking my meds, I felt as if I was alive for the first time in months. I realize other people may have different opinions on meds and I realize it takes alot of people many different tries till they find what works for them, but the whole experience soured my opinion on them. I won't ever take meds again. While I am a recreational drug user (never had any issues or addictions forming) I do get high sometimes to deal with my problems (or not deal with them). However my alcohol intake is my real coping mechanism. I can't seem to stop and it (alcohol) seems to be the only thing which temporarily, albeit, lessens the pain. Nothing that I have ever tried numbs you and removes the ability to think about your issues like alcohol. I've been on a heavy drinking binge for probably over a year now, going most nights (there have been a few spaces in between where I wasn't drinking, but probably 5 days at the most) drinking myself to sleep. On most days, unless I am engaging in escapism (reading, playing music, watching movies) the only thoughts that run through my head are how much I hate myself and how I should kill myself. I've never actually attempted, although I've came close in the past. Death literally never leaves my mind and if it was up to me I wouldn't have ever gained consciousness in the first place. My mother would of been better off having an abortion. My parents were too young anyways. I hate the person I am. I know that I'm not being the son, brother, boyfriend, friend or student that I can be. I'm scared of the effects my drinking is going to have on my body if I continue down this road and in all honesty, I don't see myself ever stopping to drink (which is why I have to get it under control if I'm going to live). I just really want this shit to end. I'm sick of life and sick of not being able to trust my own head; its a scary and sobering realization once you realize that you can't trust your own thoughts. If I owned a gun I wouldn't be here today, the main reason I haven't killed myself is due to the fact that I can't figure out how the hell I can do it. Who would of thought it could be so hard? I just want it to end. Depression (even if I learn to manage it better) is something I'll have to live with my whole life, its never going away. I don't want to let the mental illness beat me, but at the same time I'm tired. Tired of fighting it, tired of disappointing myself and those who for some reason see something in me beyond the fuck up that I am, tired of existence. Even if I choose to not end my life in the foreseeable future, I've always thought that I'd end up killing myself later in life anyways; its my inevitable conclusion. Anyways I'm going to stop ranting now cause I'm tired of typing and want to lay down.