my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jpb, Jan 28, 2013.

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  1. jpb

    jpb New Member

    hi my name is jp, im 15 years old.. sorry if my grammar isnt good english is not my first language. Ive been depressed for a long time and this is how it all started. In 4 grade i had trouble making friends, because of that i had a group of friends very small and people considered us the loosers, thats was when my depression started. I had low self esteem and no one to talk about. I couldnt told my parents or my sisters because my house was the only place were i wasnt a looser. By the end of 5 grade i got sick of the bullying the names and stop hanging out with my friends and one day sit down on the popular table. At first they didnt like me but, they got used to me... by 6 grade i was one of them and they became my friends but, something never change i was afraid of being a looser again and i had super low self esteem. By 7 grade everyone didnt even remember my past it was the best feeling in the world. One day i saw my best friend bullying my ex best friend and i was mad i thought it wasnt fair. I wanted to stood up for him but, then more "friends" came and started harrasing him and i was afraid, afraid that if a stood up for him they would bullied me and afraid of being a looser and being alone again. The whole year was like that. In 8 grade my self esteem was at the top... it was the best year in my life, for first time in my life i felt good with myself i had a girlfriend everybody liked me and even i played in the football team but it didnt last, my two best friends were changing of school, i broke up with my girlfriend and when the new year began i was lost. In school i felt like the leftover and soon by the second month of school one of my best friends stopped talking to me everybody stopped talking to me. they spread rumors about me and people made there groups and left me alone. my local communitie had a program and my mother obligated me to go to it, it was with the people that most hated me and they harras me the whole year, then it started at school everybody knew what was happening at the program and my low self esteem returned and even worse that ever. my parent started to insult me calling me a looser and anormal cause i didnt want to hang out with the people that hated me. I was afraid of telling them the truth. I asked for psichologist and they denied it to me telling that that was for crazy people. i started to use drugs and drinking till i lost my concience. I was searching for a group of friends and i found it. they are my best friends and i love them but, I cant tell this story to them... I cant tell this story to anyone and every day i think what od im going to do with my life, my parents dissaprove everything i do, the people i care about are gone or turn their backs to me, the friends that stayed and that are my best friends think i have super high self esteem and that im coold but in the inside im dying slowly i tryed to jump once from my apartment window but i couldnt, i thinked in my sisters and my friends.. what would happen to them if im gone. Why cant i be happy is like youre dying in a desert someone give u water and then stoled it from u a leave u alone to just see u dye. I need help but no one wanna help me, each day i feel more alone and i dont know what to do about it. One day it will be over or maybe one day ill be happy again. please help me
     
  2. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Hello, it sounds like your going through a difficult time. I would say try getting support from your family if possible and developing interests that will help you make friends outside of school, sports, music etc. Another thing would be to develop your core beliefs because your "friends" who left are in a way the problem, they are what is called "fair-weather friends" they don't have principles and will leave you, just as you left your friends, when it suits them too.
    Have some patience and faith, there is so much to learn about yourself and making meaningful connections. Good Luck
     
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