so basically, im an 18 year old guy, always suffered with low self esteem, insecurites and no confidence, was bullied throughout school, raped by my best friend. so already im pretty fucked up, at the age of 15 i met a guy at school called tony, as i got to know him more, i discovered more problems with him, he was suffering from phycosis and schizophrenia, and tried to kill him self 5 times throught out our friendship, i would always try to help him and this one sided friendship, pretty much brought me down, right down, i was treating him like my son,i felt like i was responsible for his actions. and i punished myself whenever he cut himself, by 18, i had so much baggage and emotional trauma from tony and that friendship. i was cutting myself, and still do today, i tried to kill myself on numerous occasions, i blamed myself for him being fucked up,he gt put into mental hospital and i entered a downward spiral of depression. i met a girl called cassy, a while back (forgot to mention this) she helped me alot, made me feel liked, this internet friendship lasted for a year until i told her i loved her, she said she felt the same, we've been dating for a year now, and without cassy in my life, i think id be dead, her kind words of advice and encouragement helped me pull through. i tend to take her for granted alot recently and we get into arguments, and i get even more depressed, i end up speaking to other girls on the internet, trying to fix random strangers broken lives to try and make me feel some kind of self worth, a few actually falll for me and wanted to meet up with me, but i stopped talking to them after that. i may be lonely but i am faithful. (my structure is really bad but ill throw in some extra details i missed out) i dont speak to tony anymore, i listen to alot of depressing music now adays, hardly ever go out, wear all black clothes, totally unsociable, failed my college course and wasted a year of my life due to the fact i cant motivate myself to work. feel disapointed with my self. hate myself, want to die sometimes, girlfriend lives 9 hours away in england so i barely see her, most days are lazy and lonely, i barely even feel emotion anymore, just emptiness. anyway, sorry for dumping this. kind of feel better getting it off my chest. thanks.