my life...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by glenfirebug, Jun 6, 2013.

  1. glenfirebug

    glenfirebug New Member

    so basically, im an 18 year old guy, always suffered with low self esteem, insecurites and no confidence, was bullied throughout school, raped by my best friend. so already im pretty fucked up, at the age of 15 i met a guy at school called tony, as i got to know him more, i discovered more problems with him, he was suffering from phycosis and schizophrenia, and tried to kill him self 5 times throught out our friendship, i would always try to help him and this one sided friendship, pretty much brought me down, right down, i was treating him like my son,i felt like i was responsible for his actions. and i punished myself whenever he cut himself, by 18, i had so much baggage and emotional trauma from tony and that friendship. i was cutting myself, and still do today, i tried to kill myself on numerous occasions, i blamed myself for him being fucked up,he gt put into mental hospital and i entered a downward spiral of depression. i met a girl called cassy, a while back (forgot to mention this) she helped me alot, made me feel liked, this internet friendship lasted for a year until i told her i loved her, she said she felt the same, we've been dating for a year now, and without cassy in my life, i think id be dead, her kind words of advice and encouragement helped me pull through. i tend to take her for granted alot recently and we get into arguments, and i get even more depressed, i end up speaking to other girls on the internet, trying to fix random strangers broken lives to try and make me feel some kind of self worth, a few actually falll for me and wanted to meet up with me, but i stopped talking to them after that. i may be lonely but i am faithful. (my structure is really bad but ill throw in some extra details i missed out) i dont speak to tony anymore, i listen to alot of depressing music now adays, hardly ever go out, wear all black clothes, totally unsociable, failed my college course and wasted a year of my life due to the fact i cant motivate myself to work. feel disapointed with my self. hate myself, want to die sometimes, girlfriend lives 9 hours away in england so i barely see her, most days are lazy and lonely, i barely even feel emotion anymore, just emptiness. anyway, sorry for dumping this. kind of feel better getting it off my chest. thanks.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 6, 2013
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There is a reason why we feel we have to take care of others, and I agree with you, most often it is to provide a sense of self worth...I hope you can work with someone to have an internal sense of self worth so that you do not have to take on others' problems as you have..I also hope you know you have no ultimate control in what people do, so their behaviors (both good and bad) are not under your control...thanks for posting and welcome
  3. glenfirebug

    glenfirebug New Member

    yeah i guess you're right, thank you for your kind words.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are welcome and please let us know how you are doing
  5. glenfirebug

    glenfirebug New Member

    aw ! i will !
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I am glad you are able to talk to someone about this. Thats the better side of the internet, it can connect a lot of people who often feel lonely with local attitudes

    I would suggest this though, other peoples actions are no-one else's responsibility but their own. Good or bad.

    As for the music/fashion tastes, that is your choice, but is depressive music/attire a comfort zone for you? If it is, try considering other styles?

    Wanting to help others is a good thing. But id recommend people spend half their time on helping themselves, so they dont 'forget about themselves'.
    To use the quote in Sadeyes signature attributed to Buddha - "you, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection"
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2013