My life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bruces, Apr 22, 2015.

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  1. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    A broke insite to my existance,I've had depression and ocd since I was 15 and psoriasis since I was 21 I've probably had every therapy and medication going,I don't have a life I have an existance,I cannot bear my existance but I'm unable to do anything to harm myself as I don't have the courage and have a conscious towards my family,I've failed in every single aspect of my life school,college and my career I have nothing to offer the world sadly it's accurate to say I'm worthless and that's not me belittling myself it's fact,I've basically given up I've begun to self medicate in the last couple of weeks with a litre of vodka a night and I also consume approx 50g of tobacco a day I'd say it's also a kind of self harm as I now experience chest pains and it makes me feel good to know I'm damaging myself.
     
  2. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Hey man, haven't been on in a while~

    Psoriasis sucks and I totally get how much it affects everything, from jobs to just going outside and being with people.
    I also know what if feels like to not amount to what you think you're expected to be. I skidded by high-school on the skin of my teeth and now I'm digging my own grave in college. I don't even know if I can or even want to manage a career in the first place. I used to think that I'm just a sorry failure poorchoice-pants wasting space on the planet, but I've decided to stop blaming myself. It isn't my fault high-school-level education is so poor, or that the school I went to didn't prepare me for the real world, or that college bills you as if your degree is a luxury and not a requirement to survive in this world when it is. So it isn't my fault that I failed to succeed, and it's not my fault I didn't amount to what I was told was expected of me as a functioning member of society. I just got shit-sticked. The only way I can cope with it now is to say Fuck everything, I'm gonna do whatever makes me feel good. Today, it's sleeping in till 5 and sharing a late night with good ol' Mr. Alcohol and Mrs. Netflix. No matter what anyone tells you, you're not obligated to be a functioning member of society, so nobody can blame you for failing to be one. Being worthless to other people and being worthless to yourself are two different things. Failing to meet their expectations should never be the same as failing to meet your own. c:
     
  3. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    I love Luie's answer! It's so perfect! I agree with what he said- you can't blame yourself too much, sometimes it's society that's fucked up and not you. In this delicate time, do what makes you feel good without throwing your life away. I got so sick I had to quit graduate school. And I was going to become a mental health counselor (LOL at the irony). I also feel like I completely failed at life, but the ONE good thing about existing is that when you do fail, you have a chance to try again- either at the same thing or something else! I don't think I'll ever go back for counseling since i'm starting to think it's a completely bullshit field. Keep going and don't be too hard on yourself- this world is crappy enough already, don't be crappy to yourself :)
     
  4. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I understand your pain. You're probably about the only person that I know that is suffering as badly as I do. You just don't hear much about people who are suffering the way that we do. It's always assumed that people can always be helped with medication but some of us can't be as you already know. I really should find a way to kill myself too but it's so hard. That's the only reason that I'm still here. Living the way that I have to is bullshit. I don't have the courage to do anything drastic and don't have the resourses to do otherwise. I could just make things worse by trying something so I just keep living. Losing your mind is not a fun thing. I used to be really sharp. I never would have thought that I would ever be contemplating suicide but I want to die constantly and I want it badly. More than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I just want to go be with my relatives that have died, though I don't believe in an afterlife. I believe that when we die that it's the end and we just return to dust.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 28, 2015
  5. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I'm with you there mate,I believe some of us just arnt programmed to be active social members of society I know I certainly arnt
     
  6. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    Worst part is knowing what a let down I must be to my dad it's unforgivable
     
  7. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I didn't often think about how my illness may have affected my parents but I know that they're hurt by it. I talk to them about it, but I don't think that they really know how bad things are for me. I don't feel that I've let them down though, but I know that they feel bad for me. I do feel bad that if they ever needed my help that I wouldn't be able to do anything for them. I always figured that I would be able to help them as they got older, but I can't even help myself. I can barely function. I was always really smart. I never thought that I would ever be incapacitated this way. It really sucks.
     
  8. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I'm good for nothing as far as I'm concerned I'm lower than any murderer or rapist when I look in the mirror I mouth the words scum to myself
     
  9. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    I think it's fair to say id be better off not been here
     
  10. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    Hey Bruces, I've had to constantly work on OCD the past 20 years. If you'd like to talk to me I understand. I'd try not to hurt yourself though. There's nothing worse than feeling how you do inside while hurting physically.

    I pop in the chat now here or there but it's OK to just reply here if you like.
     
  11. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    Thanks for that I just cannot see a reason to be here I never have any joy or happiness it's just constant misery and despair I wish I could fast forward time so my life is over
     
  12. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I wish that I could do that too. I can't help but feel that I've really messed up my life even though I know that it's not my fault.
     
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