I'm not suicidal or depressed. I do not have a mental health disorder. I'm compitent, rational, clear headed, and very smary. However, I don't want to continue living. I feel that I've had a bad life and that it's also ruined for the future. I am not happy and never truly have been. I have one friend and no supportive family. The one friend I have doesn't fill that void for me, busy, has a life. I have felt alone my whole life. I've never had a relationship or been the butterfly of social settings. I moved around a lot, many different schools and never really settled down. I do not see joy in living. I see animals and it makes me sad and cry and smile, I feel empathy. I see humans and they make me sick. I see a lot of fake people and a lot of evil people. I don't see good. I want to be happy, I truly do. I cannot find it. I've worked many different jobs, probably 16 or so. All of which never advanced me and kept me at the bottom. Life hasn't given me the opportunity to succeed. I'm really tired of walking through life alone. I used to be really heavy and I did a lot of hard work and lost it all. However, I still cannot see myself as beautiful. I am scared and ugly, now I'm "flabby". I don't have it in me to continue. I don't have the will to live. I will not kill myself because I don't want pain and I don't want to mess up and still be here. I want to go get a DNR. I find myself praying for a <mod edit - method>, or to just not wake up, or asking God for a miracle so I can finally go home. I feel like I am forign to this world. I feel like I don't belong at all, that I'm truly not supposed to be here, and I've always felt that way. Literally since my first memories or life. I don't feel like there is a job for me. I don't feel that there is another person for me who is truly on my level and understands me as a person. I've been alone my whole life and I want to be done. I'm tired of crying and asking myself why am I still here? I'm bored, nothing excites me or makes me happy. I feel like I've done all this before and that I've done it all and had the best life has to offer. Again I am not depressed. I don't need or want medication. It just makes me sick and for real suicidal. I've talked with doctors and they agree meds aren't right for me. I can go to work everyday I can talk with people shop eat do everything normal. it's just why keep doing it why continue I'm tired of it, It doesn't work. Everything I've ever wanted I've been handed the opposite. I'm active, I eat healthy, I go for random drives, put headphones in, try new things. I can't find it, and I've lived many places, tried many things. I do not belong here, it's weird, I can't explain it, I want to go home. I want the doctors to help me go. I don't want to be here anymore and I think that should be okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is flashing by and all's I can do is watch and cry. Adele.