My life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Stearnquos, Sep 4, 2016.

  1. Stearnquos

    Stearnquos New Member

    I'm not suicidal or depressed. I do not have a mental health disorder. I'm compitent, rational, clear headed, and very smary. However, I don't want to continue living. I feel that I've had a bad life and that it's also ruined for the future. I am not happy and never truly have been. I have one friend and no supportive family. The one friend I have doesn't fill that void for me, busy, has a life. I have felt alone my whole life. I've never had a relationship or been the butterfly of social settings. I moved around a lot, many different schools and never really settled down. I do not see joy in living. I see animals and it makes me sad and cry and smile, I feel empathy. I see humans and they make me sick. I see a lot of fake people and a lot of evil people. I don't see good. I want to be happy, I truly do. I cannot find it. I've worked many different jobs, probably 16 or so. All of which never advanced me and kept me at the bottom. Life hasn't given me the opportunity to succeed. I'm really tired of walking through life alone. I used to be really heavy and I did a lot of hard work and lost it all. However, I still cannot see myself as beautiful. I am scared and ugly, now I'm "flabby". I don't have it in me to continue. I don't have the will to live. I will not kill myself because I don't want pain and I don't want to mess up and still be here. I want to go get a DNR. I find myself praying for a <mod edit - method>, or to just not wake up, or asking God for a miracle so I can finally go home. I feel like I am forign to this world. I feel like I don't belong at all, that I'm truly not supposed to be here, and I've always felt that way. Literally since my first memories or life. I don't feel like there is a job for me. I don't feel that there is another person for me who is truly on my level and understands me as a person. I've been alone my whole life and I want to be done. I'm tired of crying and asking myself why am I still here? I'm bored, nothing excites me or makes me happy. I feel like I've done all this before and that I've done it all and had the best life has to offer. Again I am not depressed. I don't need or want medication. It just makes me sick and for real suicidal. I've talked with doctors and they agree meds aren't right for me. I can go to work everyday I can talk with people shop eat do everything normal. it's just why keep doing it why continue I'm tired of it, It doesn't work. Everything I've ever wanted I've been handed the opposite. I'm active, I eat healthy, I go for random drives, put headphones in, try new things. I can't find it, and I've lived many places, tried many things. I do not belong here, it's weird, I can't explain it, I want to go home. I want the doctors to help me go. I don't want to be here anymore and I think that should be okay. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is flashing by and all's I can do is watch and cry. Adele.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2016
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi Adele,

    Sorry you are going through this :( . I hope that somehow you find something that is worthwhile in your life. I went through the same feelings you described. I too enjoy the company of my pets over any human. I do not have friends, chose not to burden myself with that drama. Honestly, I don't miss humanity because when I reach out anonymously to this forum, or posting things on blogs, I feel that's really all I need when it comes to human interaction. I see most people in "real life" as inherently evil. Despite that, I still try to see the positive in every situation if I can.

    You mentioned that your one friend doesn't fill the void for you. In my experience the only person who can fill any void is yourself. If you rely on others for your happiness you will always be disappointed. Is there anything that you're passionate about? A hobby that you really enjoy? It took me a long time, and I tried many different things until I found that I loved to paint and write. I'm going through a hard time in my home and it really does help me to keep as happy as I can.

    I cry daily, for me it's a way to relieve stress and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Can you take a really good look at your life and figure out how you want to live it? If you can build your dream life in you head, how can you put a plan together to get what you want? It took me my 48 years to achieve what I wanted in life, but I got there one step at a time. I hope you feel better. xx
  3. Stearnquos

    Stearnquos New Member

    I really enjoyed driving but the repo man took that away along with the $10,000 I put into my $12,000 car. I would really like to not be minium wage bottom of the barrel shit. Last night I paid for a cab to take me 6 miles. I paid $38, or 4 hours of my life behind a desk at work, and more than my bar tab. This world only seems to be a disgusting disease. If I could push a button to wipe out the human race and save the earth, I would.
  4. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I used to live in negativity, anger and resentment. I hate everyone and everything around me. I don't know what happened, but one day I decided it was enough because I truly felt I was just wasting away. I decided that I hated everything about my life, couldn't rely on anyone but me and realized that it was solely up to me to change my circumstances. Trust me, I really relate to wanting to push that button too, but there are things so much out of our control that the only thing we can control is our own lives. And if we're stuck in a rut, then the only thing we can control is how we choose to live and react to things while we build a plan to change our circumstances. I used to live in a city making minimum wage. But then I moved to the suburbs and got lucky enough to find a better job after some training. Then I got my driver's license and moved to the mountains. Lots happened in between, but I slowly and gradually removed myself from humanity. That's how I pushed the button I guess.
  5. DouglasW

    DouglasW New Member

    Adele, I am so sympathetic, and so feel for you how alone you feel. And how little hope of finding happier days. I moved around constantly growing up, didn't have enough family support, and am on my own now. I know that may not help you at all, but I'm saying I know how painful it can be to feel like you don't and can't belong. I hope you will stick around.