My Life

#1
Hey there everyone, I'm a 17year old girl. To be honest I dont really know what to write, i was just googling ways to die and stumbled upon this site. I just need someone to talk to and get all of this out of me that's why i signed up.


My story is a very pathetic one. Im usually a shy person and i open up rarely to people. A few years ago i learnt that I was a test-tube baby and since then it has been troubling me a lot. Ive been having huge existencial issues, panic attacks and severe depression because i thought i was just an experiment and not destined to be here. But i had only one hope, that of getting a child of my own one day.


Then one day i met someone who changed my life. I usually love weird movies like Cloud Atlas which everyone finds boring. But when i talked to this person it was as if both of us could relate to each other. We had same likes & dislikes, shared our theories about parallel universes, our dreams and everything. It was like "falling in love". I remember saying to myself that i'd never be grateful enough to have encountered such a person cause i believed he was " magical". Then on New Year he told me he had something to say and that's when he confessed his love for me. I dont think in my entire life i've been so happy than at that particular moment.


From that day onwards we dated and it was beautiful and i was simply happy like genuinely happy. I remember on the 1st week itself he wrote paragraphs about how much he loved me and he said we were going to get married and get babies. Can you imagine this? Babies. My dream would finally come true and we were both so enthusiastic about all of it. He became my best friend and whenever i had my anxiety attacks or crisis, he stayed up late on the phone and told me how much he loved me, how much our babies would love me and that I had to hang on.


We had a perfect relationship with no fights at all. Everyday i woke up to romantic paragraphs, we used to talk for hours on end, he sang to me when i was sad and promised he'd take me away from my abusive dad. He did everything to make me happy and he genuinely cared about it. He is the only person i could discuss weird things with and share my equally weirder passions and thoughts. He would call me and sing my favorite song while bathing and skype me when we went to bed so that he was sure i was sleeping peacefully. I remember one night he cried with me because he said that a lifetime was not enough and that he needed eternity to love and stay with me. And i remember calling him a dramaqueen but it turned out he was very serious and he got insecure about me leaving him so I had to reassure him for hours. In our country, it's a "taboo" to be in a relationship before 20 but one night i was really sad and to make me happy, he told his parents about us and they took it well. This was the boldest move ever and even our friends evied us. All his family knew about me and he also talked to my mom and said he was a good guy etc.. He wrote a little book about us where he described his future daily life with the babies and I and said he'd read it to the kids at night. We even had designed our future house in every possible detail and we were so excited to have it one day. We also believed in "soulmates" and we believe are both soulmates. We talked about what we would do when the babies would be born, how we'd love and play childish games with them, how he'd hold our first baby's pinky finger and cry because we believe that our baby would be simply otherworldly cause it'd be a fusion of both of us. And nothing made me happier than hearing him talk about that.


We dated for nearly a year then in December we had a little basic fight but he suddenly said he was confused and we broke up. I was totally devastated. However he asked me to go out with him to the movies cause he ddnt want to end it badly. When i went he said he was sorry and that we should be together. He also did sexual things to me that day and because i was so desperate to have him back, I allowed him to touch me. Now I feel filthy and unworthy of anything. According to him, we are still together but he ignores my texts and replies after hours and talks with loads of other girls. Since three months, ive been crying literally all day long and having panic attacks every night ending up in more crying. The first weeks i slept in my cupboard cause i could bare sleep on the same bed where every night we had called and were so in love. I began talking to my pillow. Plus this year i chose to do physics as main subject cause of him as we already had planned universities together. However my parents dont talk to me anymore cause they say i shouldnt have taken physics and im totally confused and hopeless to what I am doing with my life. I bunked all classes and sat crying because it hurts so much and just slept all day long at home. My grades are dropping and my parents will surely be mad. I dont have any motivation nor any reason to live now. I know it seems pathetic but having a family of my own with the person i love, meant everything to me, it meant the whole purpose of my existence. Now i just dont know what to do anymore and i cant handle all these things by myself because i feel so alone and i know i wont be able to love anyone nor even think of havimg a family with someone else. Im really really exhausted and i dont want to be here, i tried killing myself two days ago but it failed and now i dont know what to do.


I ddnt intend to write so much. I guess i just spilled out everything. If you read it till here, then thank you, it means an enormous lot to me.
 
#3
Hey there everyone, I'm a 17year old girl. To be honest I dont really know what to write, i was just googling ways to die and stumbled upon this site. I just need someone to talk to and get all of this out of me that's why i signed up.


My story is a very pathetic one. Im usually a shy person and i open up rarely to people. A few years ago i learnt that I was a test-tube baby and since then it has been troubling me a lot. Ive been having huge existencial issues, panic attacks and severe depression because i thought i was just an experiment and not destined to be here. But i had only one hope, that of getting a child of my own one day.


Then one day i met someone who changed my life. I usually love weird movies like Cloud Atlas which everyone finds boring. But when i talked to this person it was as if both of us could relate to each other. We had same likes & dislikes, shared our theories about parallel universes, our dreams and everything. It was like "falling in love". I remember saying to myself that i'd never be grateful enough to have encountered such a person cause i believed he was " magical". Then on New Year he told me he had something to say and that's when he confessed his love for me. I dont think in my entire life i've been so happy than at that particular moment.


From that day onwards we dated and it was beautiful and i was simply happy like genuinely happy. I remember on the 1st week itself he wrote paragraphs about how much he loved me and he said we were going to get married and get babies. Can you imagine this? Babies. My dream would finally come true and we were both so enthusiastic about all of it. He became my best friend and whenever i had my anxiety attacks or crisis, he stayed up late on the phone and told me how much he loved me, how much our babies would love me and that I had to hang on.


We had a perfect relationship with no fights at all. Everyday i woke up to romantic paragraphs, we used to talk for hours on end, he sang to me when i was sad and promised he'd take me away from my abusive dad. He did everything to make me happy and he genuinely cared about it. He is the only person i could discuss weird things with and share my equally weirder passions and thoughts. He would call me and sing my favorite song while bathing and skype me when we went to bed so that he was sure i was sleeping peacefully. I remember one night he cried with me because he said that a lifetime was not enough and that he needed eternity to love and stay with me. And i remember calling him a dramaqueen but it turned out he was very serious and he got insecure about me leaving him so I had to reassure him for hours. In our country, it's a "taboo" to be in a relationship before 20 but one night i was really sad and to make me happy, he told his parents about us and they took it well. This was the boldest move ever and even our friends evied us. All his family knew about me and he also talked to my mom and said he was a good guy etc.. He wrote a little book about us where he described his future daily life with the babies and I and said he'd read it to the kids at night. We even had designed our future house in every possible detail and we were so excited to have it one day. We also believed in "soulmates" and we believe are both soulmates. We talked about what we would do when the babies would be born, how we'd love and play childish games with them, how he'd hold our first baby's pinky finger and cry because we believe that our baby would be simply otherworldly cause it'd be a fusion of both of us. And nothing made me happier than hearing him talk about that.


We dated for nearly a year then in December we had a little basic fight but he suddenly said he was confused and we broke up. I was totally devastated. However he asked me to go out with him to the movies cause he ddnt want to end it badly. When i went he said he was sorry and that we should be together. He also did sexual things to me that day and because i was so desperate to have him back, I allowed him to touch me. Now I feel filthy and unworthy of anything. According to him, we are still together but he ignores my texts and replies after hours and talks with loads of other girls. Since three months, ive been crying literally all day long and having panic attacks every night ending up in more crying. The first weeks i slept in my cupboard cause i could bare sleep on the same bed where every night we had called and were so in love. I began talking to my pillow. Plus this year i chose to do physics as main subject cause of him as we already had planned universities together. However my parents dont talk to me anymore cause they say i shouldnt have taken physics and im totally confused and hopeless to what I am doing with my life. I bunked all classes and sat crying because it hurts so much and just slept all day long at home. My grades are dropping and my parents will surely be mad. I dont have any motivation nor any reason to live now. I know it seems pathetic but having a family of my own with the person i love, meant everything to me, it meant the whole purpose of my existence. Now i just dont know what to do anymore and i cant handle all these things by myself because i feel so alone and i know i wont be able to love anyone nor even think of havimg a family with someone else. Im really really exhausted and i dont want to be here, i tried killing myself two days ago but it failed and now i dont know what to do.


I ddnt intend to write so much. I guess i just spilled out everything. If you read it till here, then thank you, it means an enormous lot to me.
It's not really a pathetic story. Everyone always says that about their life story because they don't like feeling or showing themselves being vulnverable. I can tell you to stay strong and wait it out. I can sort of empathize with you. I haven't felt something like that in years. It's almost a non existent memory. The present always sucks in those heartbreak stories because your whole life is in disarray. All i remember doing is just looking forward for the next day. After that the next day. It feels like an eternity in hell but trust me it always fades away. That is what time does. You'll definitely be able to stabilize. Also you should never be pressurized to do something you don't want to do out of pure desperation. It never ends good. Try to look at the big picture. He wasn't and isn't your whole world. You have so much ahead of you to change and better yourself. Good luck kid
 
#4
Dear Laelina, I am so thankful that you spilled out everything...it is obvious that you are hurting in a powerful way. I am so sorry that you have been hurt. I understand the kind of pain that you are feeling, so please know that I empathize deeply with you. I imagine that learning the truth of your conception must have been hard. Have you considered the idea that your parents wanted you so badly that they went to those extremes to bring you life? But more than that, you were always part of God's plans? You are not "just an experiment" that came to be, but someone created by an amazing creator who loves you deeply. Even more than your former boyfriend? I am praying for you, for the healing of the hurt you are feeling now, and that you would come to fully know your worth and value as a beautiful part of creation.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#5
Hi there. Just wanted to let you know that we're reading. Lots of us empathize with how you're feeling right now. You're young, you're in love, you feel things deeply. I assure you that this likely won't be the last man you ever love if things don't work out with this one though. Please hang in there, your life has barely begun.
 

AmboySlim

Well-Known Member
#6
Woah I feel for you after reading this. Hang in there. You don't need your boyfriend, grades or your perceived "filth" to define you. I don't think this is the end of your story. Everyone's life has a lot more potential than you think. Oh and seriously Cloud Atlas? Really? Just kidding. Enjoy what you want
 
#7
Dear Laelina, I am so thankful that you spilled out everything...it is obvious that you are hurting in a powerful way. I am so sorry that you have been hurt. I understand the kind of pain that you are feeling, so please know that I empathize deeply with you. I imagine that learning the truth of your conception must have been hard. Have you considered the idea that your parents wanted you so badly that they went to those extremes to bring you life? But more than that, you were always part of God's plans? You are not "just an experiment" that came to be, but someone created by an amazing creator who loves you deeply. Even more than your former boyfriend? I am praying for you, for the healing of the hurt you are feeling now, and that you would come to fully know your worth and value as a beautiful part of creation.
Dear Laelina, I am so thankful that you spilled out everything...it is obvious that you are hurting in a powerful way. I am so sorry that you have been hurt. I understand the kind of pain that you are feeling, so please know that I empathize deeply with you. I imagine that learning the truth of your conception must have been hard. Have you considered the idea that your parents wanted you so badly that they went to those extremes to bring you life? But more than that, you were always part of God's plans? You are not "just an experiment" that came to be, but someone created by an amazing creator who loves you deeply. Even more than your former boyfriend? I am praying for you, for the healing of the hurt you are feeling now, and that you would come to fully know your worth and value as a beautiful part of creation.
 
#8
Dear Laelina, I am so thankful that you spilled out everything...it is obvious that you are hurting in a powerful way. I am so sorry that you have been hurt. I understand the kind of pain that you are feeling, so please know that I empathize deeply with you. I imagine that learning the truth of your conception must have been hard. Have you considered the idea that your parents wanted you so badly that they went to those extremes to bring you life? But more than that, you were always part of God's plans? You are not "just an experiment" that came to be, but someone created by an amazing creator who loves you deeply. Even more than your former boyfriend? I am praying for you, for the healing of the hurt you are feeling now, and that you would come to fully know your worth and value as a beautiful part of creation.
 

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