my life.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by painfulbliss, Aug 1, 2008.

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  1. painfulbliss

    painfulbliss Well-Known Member

    god ive relised that i actauuly look forward to being depressed, casue its the only emotion i feal anymore, i get high to make my depression worse, and when i get depressed, its like the worst feeling but the best feeling at the same time. fuck this proves how fucked up i am. and i just dont know what to do anymore. ive been slipping into insanity alot these past few months, and im really scared that i might stay that way. and i dont wanna be there, but im to chicken shit to end it all, and cant afford any kinda therapy not that i would go to it, cause i dont open up to strangers, but i dont wanna go fraking cukookoo. and i always worry bout my friends, and try to talk to them, but most of the time they never answer my emails or messages and it scares me. i just dont know what to do anymore. god im fucking scared of what will happen to me.

    i have found myself cutting again after a 9 month quit, then b4 that was 1.5 year quit. so ya me, when i get far in quiting it i go back to it.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Painfulbliss,
    Do you get out of the house? Aren't there any of those friends you can talk to and do things with? You sound fairley young so you have alot to see and do in your life time. I have been to five different countries and have hitch hiked across the USA a couple of times(that was back in the '70s when it was fairley safe).
    That wasn't my idea, my parents kicked me out because I was getting stoned all the time. Hell they took my car and sold it, they also kept the money from the car. Anyhow I was just giving you an idea of what is out there. Continue your education including college because you need that diploma to land a good job. Once you get one crack down with it and save your money so you can get out there and travel. There is nothing like it you feel free. Please don't harm yourself, give life every oppurtunity to get better.
  3. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Hey, I understand what you mean, I like to wallow in it as well, if you get me. 'the worst feeling but also the best feeling' bit really got to me. I can't explain why this is really. I suppose it's better than just feeling neutral, like to feel sad, to cry, to feel spaced out, to think intensely, to feel rage. It's like expression, it helps you find yourself in some way. Sometimes I try to make myself feel sad on purpose because it's like its all there, under the surface, subconcious and I have to get it out, even though I don't really think that when I do it. Self harm's a lot like that as well, its for the same purpose, expression of feeling, in some way.

    It's crap how you can't afford therapy, maybe some kind of free service exists where you are...? I don't know. But I get what you mean about not opening up to strangers well, I'm the same way. I don't really think therapy is going to help me, but yeah. Maybe some other kind of expression? Art is good. Drawing, music, writing, whatever. Or even exercise helps somewhat. Running until your legs give out helps you exert yourself in some way.

    It hurts that your friends aren't answering your calls and stuff. Some people just have their own issues but its awful when you really need help and they're not there for you. Maybe try and get their attention by telling them how awful you feel, even that you have suicidal thoughts.

    Stranger's suggestion is good as well, just leave and travel around for a bit. Try and find yourself.

    Hope you feel better soon.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with Stranger1.
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