god ive relised that i actauuly look forward to being depressed, casue its the only emotion i feal anymore, i get high to make my depression worse, and when i get depressed, its like the worst feeling but the best feeling at the same time. fuck this proves how fucked up i am. and i just dont know what to do anymore. ive been slipping into insanity alot these past few months, and im really scared that i might stay that way. and i dont wanna be there, but im to chicken shit to end it all, and cant afford any kinda therapy not that i would go to it, cause i dont open up to strangers, but i dont wanna go fraking cukookoo. and i always worry bout my friends, and try to talk to them, but most of the time they never answer my emails or messages and it scares me. i just dont know what to do anymore. god im fucking scared of what will happen to me. p.s. i have found myself cutting again after a 9 month quit, then b4 that was 1.5 year quit. so ya me, when i get far in quiting it i go back to it.